The Chaser

The Chaser’s letter to Her Majesty The Queen

We are unable to proceed with The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary as planned this Friday because of restrictions placed on the footage by the Royal Family. It’s traditional for condemned people to appeal to the monarch for a stay of their execution, so we have written a letter to the Queen.

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Marrickville admits Israel sanctions pointless: plans full nuclear strike

Marrickville mayor Fiona Byrne has conceded that her council’s plan to impose sanctions on Israel will have no impact on its troubled relationship with Palestine. But Byrne remains committed to the Palestinian cause, and has threatened that unless Israel complies with UN resolutions, Marrickville will launch an atomic assault on it. Byrne admits that her decision to launch a nuclear war will come into conflict with another previous pointless resolution making Marrickville a nuclear-free zone.

Ponting declares too late, as usual

Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting put in a typically pugnacious but uninspired performance today, declaring his captaincy at an end long after the result was beyond doubt. “I’ve had no tap on the shoulder from anybody,” said Ponting, after he was tapped on the shoulder by the selectors and the entire Australian cricket community.

Mark McInnes gets new job: secretary role proving hard to fill

Disgraced former David Jones boss Mark McInnes says he is looking forward to returning to work as the chief executive of Premier Retail, a sentiment not echoed by the company’s female workers. Less than a year after he was forced to resign from David Jones in a sexual harassment scandal, McInnes will receive a lucrative $5.2 million dollar per year salary package, including base salary, car and $4 million a year to settle lawsuits.

SBS completes testing of pattern

It was a staple of late night TV for decades, but this week the Special Broadcasting Service announced that its test pattern has been taken off air, the testing finally concluded. the network has been investigating what would happen if somebody broadcast an incomprehensible assortment of multicoloured squares and shapes on national television for one hundred thousand hours, and finally it has an answer.

Ricky Nixon takes 20% of AFL footballers’ sex scandals

Ricky Nixon’s footballers are complaining their manager has taken more than the 20% share of sex scandals he is allowed under their contracts. “As AFL players, it’s our job to behave like dickheads and ruin our reputations, not Ricky’s,” said one of Nixon’s clients, who asked to remain anonymous until he is caught drink driving or involved in a sex scandal.

UN called in to resolve washing-up stalemate

The United Nations Security Council, hoping to stem the tide of refugees moving into neighbouring Jeff’s place, passed an emergency resolution calling for a roster of chores to be drawn up – a directive thus far ignored by the feuding flatmates. “The UN roadmap quite clearly states that Ray is supposed to have vacuumed by now,” Maluna said.

Queensland braces for worst disaster yet: Justin Bieber tour

Still reeling from the floods and Cyclone Yasi, Queenslanders have already begun preparations for an even more cataclysmic event: the visit of pop starlet Justin Bieber in April. And just as they did during Yasi, thousands of Queenslanders will once again pack themselves tightly into shopping centres for 24 hours, in the hope of getting an autograph from the singer.

Suicidal whale constantly frustrated by hippies

An emotionally troubled sperm whale has had repeated attempts to kill himself thwarted by well-meaning but misguided activists. “Every time I find myself a nice warm beach to grant me sweet relief, I get swamped by fuckwits with dreadlocks covering me in giant wet sacks,” the depressed cetacean said.

Rapper chooses bikini-clad ho theme for upcoming video

When it came time to express the themes of his new opus Bang Thang visually, Compton-based singer/songwriter Dyzzee Phuq faced a complex aesthetic choice. The song’s passionate themes and explicit lyrics could have lent themselves to an irony-tinged Spike Jonze dreamscape, or a self-contained narrative short. But after some of the finest minds in hip-hop shared their creative vision, the song’s essence was distilled into a single, recurring image: bikini-clad hoes.

Bin Laden captured after checking-in on Foursquare

Al-Qaeda leader and amateur short filmmaker Osama bin Laden has been captured after ‘checking-in’ to a social networking application while visiting a butcher in Peshawar, Pakistan. Foursquare offers badges and special offers for members who alert other users to their location, although the rewards are paltry compared to the $25 million bounty on bin Laden’s head.

Crim regrets “assisting police with their enquiries”

New inmate Paul Neville Smith, 27, of Burwood, has told fellow prisoners that, with the benefit of hindsight, he should not have provided police with the crucial information that led to his arrest for armed robbery. “The police asked me to come down to the station not long after I knocked off the local service station,” Smith explained. “They didn’t have enough evidence to charge anyone, but just wanted to ask me a few questions. I felt it was my duty to help out.”

Vampire claims ‘Twilight’ is ruining his afterlife

The fearsome vampire Duke Stefan von Brunheim, originally of Bucharest, Romania but now resident in Adelaide, says that the phenomenal success of the Twilight series has destroyed his pleasure in feasting on young women. “As soon as I bare my fangs and move to rip out their jugular, the girls look me passionately in the eye and offer to be my soulmate,” he said. “And I can’t stomach it – all that ‘love beyond time’ bullshit really puts me off my dinner.”

God’s plan is for man’s life to suck

Regular churchgoer Miles Carruthers, of Pennant Hills, has always believed that God cares about him, and has a special Plan for his life. On the evidence to date, however, God’s design for his servant Miles is clearly for him to live a life of mind-numbing drudgery and ongoing, spirit-crushing failure.

Mutant Ninja Turtles now experiencing mid-life crisis

“I spent so long studying to be a ninja,” said the group’s leader Leonardo, who recently opened an upscale art gallery-cum-bakery in the Meatpacking District.”What if I’d put that energy into going to art school, so I could have become a great painter instead of merely being named after one?”

Matthew Newton to play Matthew Newton in new ‘Underbelly’ series

Troubled actor Matthew Newton plans to resurrect his career playing troubled actor Matthew Newton in the next instalment of the hit true crime series Underbelly. The fourth instalment will be a compelling cautionary tale of one man’s descent into drugs, crime and violence, and will resume shooting as soon as Newton has bounced back from his descent into drugs, crime and violence.