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Trump Campaign Press Release: Yet another woman admits to grabbing Donald Trump’s hand with her vagina, breasts
LUCAS JACKSON / Reuters
Sexual assault victim and hope for America Donald Trump

According to a press release from Donald Trump’s campaign office today, another woman has come forward with allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards the billionaire presidential candidate.

According to the statement, the woman has explained in detail an event in 1995 when she allegedly sexually assaulted Mr Trump at a party in Chicago by “grabbing his hand with her pussy”.

In a statement dense with incredibly lewd language, the woman is quoted by the Trump campaign to admit that she couldn’t help herself. “It’s like a magnet. Every time I see Donald [Trump] I just need parts of my body on his teeny tiny hands. I don’t even wait.”

This follows a string of admissions released by the Trump camp in recent days from women all across the country who have alleged similar assaults towards unsuspecting victim Mr Trump, with the events spanning the last few decades.

The accounts began to surface after leaked audio from an Access Hollywood shoot in 2005 recorded a clearly upset Donald Trump recount a graphic tale of sexual assault against him to well known psychologist Dr Billy Bush.

In a press release today Donald Trump’s campaign lamented the worsening situation.

“It is tragic that our country has reached this point in its attitude towards wealthy men. And to think that so many frighteningly similar assaults can happen to one victim over the course of many decades. It just seems incredibly unbelievable.”

Mr Trump’s campaign manager was clearly upset when she spoke with The Chaser.

“The language this abuser uses is disgusting. Donald’s hands are huge. I mean really. They’re tremendous. And these hands with such a valuable future were almost ruined by just 20 seconds of action… It’s terrifying.”

Mr Trump himself was unavailable for comment as sources confirm he was too distressed at having the traumatic events from his past replayed in the media to face his usual campaign trail commitments. And his pain is telling: at a local rally in Ohio this morning his speech lasted just under three hours.