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Print Media Prepares Two Different Apocalyptic Front Pages for Wednesday

In an effort to get ahead of the game, major newspapers around the country have prepared two different versions of Wednesday morning’s post election headlines.

The leaked headlines prescribe a world that is inevitably thrown into chaos regardless of who is elected President.

White House correspondent for the LA Times Kim Wilson says they need to be prepared.

“Look, all we are saying is that the race is close. We want to be sure that matter who wins on Tuesday, we can continue to report negatively into the future.”

According to other sources, headlines for a Hillary Clinton election are likely to play up her continued cronyism of corporate sponsors and campaign contributors, as well as focussing constant coverage of ISIL’s inability to be thwarted.

“Oh, we will be brutal on a President Clinton. Beheadings. Massacres. Drones strikes. It’s gonna be brilliant.”

The eventuality of a Donald Trump victory has prompted a strangely positive tone. The Wall Street Journal’s Wednesday front page leads with “Trump Stock Soars, People Keep Buying iPhones”, while The New York Times’ editorial of President Trump’s win simply reads “We’re sorry, sir”.

Washington Post editor Des Quomo is proud of his faltering paper’s attention-grabbing headlines.

“There is a long history at the Post of telling the real story. Rest assured, the American people can trust that no matter what history throws at us, The Post will be there to tell the most terrifying parts of it.”

And the tabloids aren’t immune to this strategy either. The New York Post took to social media on Sunday, posting a hint of one possible front page reading “Trump insider: Should Melania run in 2020?”.

“This shit writes itself,” a source told the Chaser.

While other mediums of the news have publicly distanced themselves from such forward planning, there is evidence many might be experimenting. A leaked Buzzfeed draft article began to list “9 Ways to Make Your Nuclear Bunker Feel Like Home”.