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The North Pole was hit with a series of devastating mass lay-offs yesterday when throngs of elves, some of whom had been working in the workshop for hundreds of years, found themselves locked out of the candy-coloured wooden entrance of Santa’s Toy Factory.
The United Nations Security Council, hoping to stem the tide of refugees moving into neighbouring Jeff’s place, passed an emergency resolution calling for a roster of chores to be drawn up – a directive thus far ignored by the feuding flatmates. “The UN roadmap quite clearly states that Ray is supposed to have vacuumed by now,” Maluna said.
An emotionally troubled sperm whale has had repeated attempts to kill himself thwarted by well-meaning but misguided activists. “Every time I find myself a nice warm beach to grant me sweet relief, I get swamped by fuckwits with dreadlocks covering me in giant wet sacks,” the depressed cetacean said.
New inmate Paul Neville Smith, 27, of Burwood, has told fellow prisoners that, with the benefit of hindsight, he should not have provided police with the crucial information that led to his arrest for armed robbery. “The police asked me to come down to the station not long after I knocked off the local service station,” Smith explained. “They didn’t have enough evidence to charge anyone, but just wanted to ask me a few questions. I felt it was my duty to help out.”
Regular churchgoer Miles Carruthers, of Pennant Hills, has always believed that God cares about him, and has a special Plan for his life. On the evidence to date, however, God’s design for his servant Miles is clearly for him to live a life of mind-numbing drudgery and ongoing, spirit-crushing failure.
Mick Orton is proud of his heritage, and isn’t afraid to show it. The former laborer sports a prominent Celtic tattoo on his shoulder as a reminder of a lost past, expressing his deep sense of connection to the culture of the early 1990s.
“I spent so long studying to be a ninja,” said the group’s leader Leonardo, who recently opened an upscale art gallery-cum-bakery in the Meatpacking District.”What if I’d put that energy into going to art school, so I could have become a great painter instead of merely being named after one?”
Heroin addict James Sheffield, 37, found himself in difficulty today when he was exactly two dollars short for the train fare to Frankston. The journey, Sheffield explained, was work-related, and of an urgent nature. ”Yeah I got a job interview at 4, right, but they only told me fucken two hours ago. So I’m like – fuck, I gotta get up and get to fucken Frankston,” he said. “It’s bullshit.”
Occasional outdoorsman Don Feist has spent an entire “get away from it all” weekend trip trying to regain contact with the outside world, friends report. Minutes after his arrival at a remote campsite, the thirtysomething IT manager began asking whether his companions didn’t have any reception either, and after a token effort to set up camp was soon wandering around the fringes of the clearing, holding his handset aloft.
With precious few months to go before summer, Wollongong resident Scott Barton has instituted a health regime to reduce his weight. “I’ve heard all these stories about blokes hitting the gym too hard and having heart attacks,” he said. “So I’ve decided to focus on diet – from now on, I’ll be eating Subway instead of Macca’s and snacking on Pizza Shapes between meals.”