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Marrickville mayor Fiona Byrne has conceded that her council’s plan to impose sanctions on Israel will have no impact on its troubled relationship with Palestine. But Byrne remains committed to the Palestinian cause, and has threatened that unless Israel complies with UN resolutions, Marrickville will launch an atomic assault on it. Byrne admits that her decision to launch a nuclear war will come into conflict with another previous pointless resolution making Marrickville a nuclear-free zone.
Disgraced former David Jones boss Mark McInnes says he is looking forward to returning to work as the chief executive of Premier Retail, a sentiment not echoed by the company’s female workers. Less than a year after he was forced to resign from David Jones in a sexual harassment scandal, McInnes will receive a lucrative $5.2 million dollar per year salary package, including base salary, car and $4 million a year to settle lawsuits.
In the wake of a string of technical mishaps and near-disasters, the company known as ‘Qantas’ is to be investigated for fraudulently trading as a passenger airline, the AFP announced today. The organisation is alleged to have duped thousands of Australians into believing they were purchasing efficient, safe and comfortable air travel with a reputable carrier.
Searchers say they have found controversial historian Keith Windschuttle living on a sparsely populated atoll in the Pacific Ocean, apparently unaware that the culture war has been finished for years. While they are yet to contact the scholar directly, his dishevelled form has been spotted in heavy jungle, and rescue parties have found apparent attempts to construct a rudimentary think-tank. Survival experts say his food supplies have run out, and he may be surviving on pure spite.
Prime Minister Julia Gillard has attempted to appeal to both left and right in the refugee debate by playing a dog whistle and a bongo drum at the same time. Speaking at the Lowy Institute, she outlined a plan to process refugees in East Timor without demonising them in the process. ”Now is not the time to blame all our ills on refugees,” she said. “That time will be slightly closer to the election.”
Kevin Rudd will shortly face a Caucus vote on his leadership, having had his career Bill Shortened. It is now expected that Julia Gillard will become Australia’s first ranga Prime Minister. Shocked by the spill, Kevin Rudd has declared that Gillard has launched “the greatest immoral challenge of this generation.”
The Australian Labor Party is bracing itself for a difficult election year, after internal research identified Prime Minister Rudd’s policy failures and backdowns as a bigger moral challenge than dealing with climate change. ALP polling also shows that for Labor, Kevin Rudd is now a bigger cancer on democracy than political advertising.
In a final show of his respect for Foreign Minister Stephen Smith, the Israeli diplomat expelled by the Australian Government has left the country on a forged Australian passport. “I may even kill a Hamas leader on my way home while wearing an Australian flag and singing your awful anthem,” the unnamed diplomat claimed at Customs.
Maverick Queensland Senator Barnaby Joyce says he would be willing to join up to the National Party “if they’re willing to fall in line with my policies.” Joyce stressed he would require unconditional support from the Nationals even when he changes his position without notice during media interviews, although he later backed away from that stance on The 7pm Project.
Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.