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Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting put in a typically pugnacious but uninspired performance today, declaring his captaincy at an end long after the result was beyond doubt. “I’ve had no tap on the shoulder from anybody,” said Ponting, after he was tapped on the shoulder by the selectors and the entire Australian cricket community.
Ricky Nixon’s footballers are complaining their manager has taken more than the 20% share of sex scandals he is allowed under their contracts. “As AFL players, it’s our job to behave like dickheads and ruin our reputations, not Ricky’s,” said one of Nixon’s clients, who asked to remain anonymous until he is caught drink driving or involved in a sex scandal.
Socceroos coach Pim Verbeek has hit back at criticism of his decision to field a team with no strikers for the team’s 4-0 World Cup loss to Germany. The Socceroos’ game coincided with the announcement of Queen’s Birthday Honours for people who have made a significant contribution to Australia. There were no Socceroos on the list, although Pim Verbeek has received a medal for services to German football.
The Boulder Blue Wings, a local peewee hockey team, suffered a cup final loss to their arch-rivals the Falcons this Saturday. The devastating result ends a season marked by a combination of luck, team spirit and a never-say die attitude, all of which deserted the team in the face of superior and ruthless opposition
The Australian cricket team has taken exception to Harbajhan Singh’s
alleged comments about Andrew Symonds being a monkey, and told the
Indian tourists in no uncertain terms that in this country, racial slurs are unacceptable
when uttered by anyone other than Tony Greig.
Rugby League fans were shocked this week, by the
unbelievable revelation that an overpaid, understimulated sportsman with plenty
of free time had experimented with drugs. "I can’t believe it," said Newcastle
Knights fan Bill Adams. "Who would’ve thought a footballer would be anything
but a moral paragon?"
Iraq’s football team has won its first ever major trophy after
defeating Saudi Arabia in the finals of this year’s Asian Football Cup,
and ecstatic Baghdad residents diverted their regular gunfire into the
air in celebration.
The Australian Government's call for Ricky Ponting's side to abandon
its tour to Zimbabwe has been echoed by their opponents. "We've
suffered enough in this country without having to get thrashed by
Australia again," captain Prosper Utseya said. "In my view, being made to face Brett Lee when you've only made the
team because of a racially biased selection policy is cruel and unusual
punishment."
Fresh from his
work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian
Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to
design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new
range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal"
branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any
other situation where people need their performance enhanced."
After learning of an Al Qaeda plot to kill the Australian cricket team
during last year's Ashes series, many former and fringe Test players
have come forward to offer their willingness to step in if something
untoward were to happen. Former Test batsman Darren Lehmann said he
would have been willing to play in England if the selectors'
first-choice team had been murdered. "If Australia doesn't field a
team, then the terrorists win," he said. "That's almost as bad as
England winning."