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Al-Qaeda leader and amateur short filmmaker Osama bin Laden has been captured after ‘checking-in’ to a social networking application while visiting a butcher in Peshawar, Pakistan. Foursquare offers badges and special offers for members who alert other users to their location, although the rewards are paltry compared to the $25 million bounty on bin Laden’s head.
After Burma’s military junta finally ended her house arrest, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi began her long-awaited freedom by stacking fifteen years’ worth of rubbish outside her Rangoon home. As she piled several hundred cardboard boxes on her doorstep, the leader of the National League for Democracy thanked her supporters for their constant support, and Guido’s Pizzeria for its constant deliveries.
The marauding armies of Genghis Khan have encountered their first strong opposition, being stopped at the border by the customs officers of the neighbouring Tangut province. ”We forgot to apply for a visa 90 days before our invasion,” said one disappointed General in Khan’s army. “So we will have to wait here and pay extra for an expedited visa.”
A two-year-old Indonesian boy, Ardi Rizal, made headlines around the world when it was revealed that he smoked up to 40 cigarettes a day. But it’s now been revealed that the child has not cut out his cigarette consumption, only his willingness to pay for them.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has created a firestorm of controversy by demanding "some face time" with screen siren Megan Fox. "We must improve Italo-Megan Fox relations at once," Berlusconi announced to a parliament consisting largely of ex-Playmates. "Italy cannot afford to lapse into a Cold War with one who has such dangerous curves."
A recent earthquake has shifted New Zealand 30cm closer to Australia, the second phase of a long-term plan to connect the two islands and their social security systems. The first phase of the plan, where New Zealanders were sent to Australia to seek welfare assistance one by one, has given way to a more expansive, nation-based dole bludging plan.
The Grand and Ancient Order of Freemasons has taken over the European Union for a three year period, in a move observers say will only expand their web of control and terror. Supreme Mason Sir Alfred Hinman began his period of tyrannical rule with an acceptance speech that preceded the traditional black mass.
Jerome “Red” Fox, Jr, is trading in his diesel-fueled juggernaut for a mammoth, semi-electric super truck. “In my job, the dangers we face are very real. But no death-dealing machine has terrified me as much as the threat we face from climate change – hell, that’s a demolition derby for the planet,” he said.
More than 5000 men and three women, clutching dog-eared
rulebooks and dice, have gathered outside Dungeons & Dragons creator
Gary Gygax’s Wisconsin home this
week, after learning the American game designer had died at the age of 69.
Although official reports have blamed a heart attack, archmage Mordenkainen is
claiming responsibility and demanding experience points for the kill.
Bowing to pressure from fellow Republicans, conservative media pundits
and his numerous spouses, devout Mormon Mitt Romney announced he was no
longer contesting the presidency. “If I’d stayed in, I’d have made it
easier for Senator Clinton or Barack Obama to win. And in this time of
war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to
terror,” he said. “Also, my third wife is trying for another child, and
I really need to be around the compound when she’s ovulating.”