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Contracts That Should Exist: Indigenous Footy Players

The booing controversy that followed Adam Goodes all the way into retirement underscored the fraught relationship between Indigenous Footy Stars and Media Commentators. The Chaser asked its legal team to come up with a deed of arrangement between the parties, which will no doubt prevent this sort of thing ever happening again.

AGREEMENT

PARTIES

The Indigenous Players of the AFL
And
Media Commentators

RECITALS

A The Parties acknowledge that Indigenous Players enrich the game
of Australian Rules football.

B The Parties acknowledge that racism is a blight on the game.

C The Media Commentators are resolved to end racism, so long as it
requires no effort and nothing changes.

DEFINITIONS

“War Dance” includes any goal celebration by an Indigenous Player which is not an Acceptable Goal Celebration. This includes, but is not limited to, any intimidating, hate-filled display which does not Celebrate Australia. For the avoidance of any doubt, a “War Dance” can also be used to describe a fun goal celebration invented by well-meaning teenage football players.

“Celebrating Australia” does not include acknowledging racism, finding fault, or suggesting that anyone should do anything different.

“Australian of the Year” includes someone who you can say hates Australia if they do anything other than Celebrate Australia.

“Acceptable Goal Celebration” includes, but is not limited to, flipping off the crowd, shouting in an opposition supporter’s face, shooting an imaginary gun or guns, offering a jailhouse salute to your mate who got done for buying meth from an undercover cop, generally being a Bloody Legend.

“Bloody Legend” includes anyone who is True Blue and not Ruining The Game.

“Ruining The Game” includes promoting your PC Agenda Gone Mad.

“PC Agenda Gone Mad” includes thinking it’s not okay to tell an Indigenous Player to go back to the zoo. For the avoidance of any doubt, anyone promoting a PC Agenda Gone Mad is not True Blue.

“True Blue” includes being Dinky Di.

“Indigenous Player” is a made up term to get Andrew Bolt in trouble for no reason because really, if you’re noticing whether people are Indigenous or not, aren’t you the real racist?

“Media Commentator” includes Eddie McGuire (when commentating Collingwood games), Tim Watson (when talking about Essendon), and anyone who eats a pie and sauce while wearing a scarf.

“Victim of Racism” includes any person who is subjected to a War Dance.

“Umpire” includes ‘maggot’ and someone who makes Mistakes.

“Mistakes” include that Holding the Ball decision in the first quarter.

“Holding the ball” is defined in sections 1, 17, 44, 133A, 133AB and Parts XI-XXXVIII of the Rules of AFL – Miscellaneous and Contentions Decisions Relating to Balls and Their Uses in Sporting Contests Interpretation (High Tackles and Other) Regulations 2008

– 1 –

 

1.1 Indigenous Players

1.1.1. For the purposes of this provision,

1.1.2. An Indigenous Player shall not do anything that suggests, whether overtly or through implication, that they are an Indigenous Player. This includes:

a. Throwing an imaginary spear;
b. Eating an imaginary meal;
c. Dancing, with the exception of the following Approved Dance Moves:
i. The Robot;
ii. The Worm;
iii. The Macarena;

d. Having dark skin.

1.1.3. Subject to clause 1.1.4, if an Indigenous Player must do any act that is remotely Indigenous in nature, the Indigenous Player shall:

a. Give at least seven (7) days’ notice to a Media Commentator, and to at least one of the following: Eddie McGuire, Barry Hall, or Jonathan Brown;
b. Give us some context;
c. Help us understand the situation.

1.1.4. Clause 1.1.3 only applies to Bloody Legends who haven’t refused to Celebrate Australia.

1.1.5. The Media Commentators reserve their rights to denounce or criticise any act done by an Indigenous Player, despite the provisions of clause 1.1.3, if:
a. The Media Commentator feels, reasonably or otherwise, that his masculinity is threatened;
b. They don’t want or care to understand;
c. They have heaps of mates who call themselves ‘mussies’ so what’s the big deal, especially since people also make fun of them for having a big house in Toorak;
d. They feel like it.

1.1.6. Despite any of the previous provisions of this section, an Indigenous Player must never do anything that reveals themselves to be Indigenous during Indigenous Round.

2.1 Media Commentators

2.1.1 For the purposes of this provision,

2.1.2 In consideration of the above, the Media Commentators agree to:
a. Call it how they see it;
b. Not be held back by the PC Agenda Gone Mad;
c. Nothing else. My pie is getting cold.

3.1 Breach of Agreement

3.1.1 If an Indigenous Player breaches any part of this Agreement, then that Indigenous Player is liable for one or more of the following;
a. Damages;
b. Booing;
c. Cyber-bulling;
d. Racial slurs;
e. Questioning whether that Indigenous Player is Dinky Di;
f. Claims of reverse racism;
g. Reparations.

3.1.2 If a Media Commentator breaches any part of this Agreement, then that Media Commentator is liable for any of the following;
a. A claim that the Media Commentator in question is a Victim of Racism, as defined in s 7 of the Andrew Bolt Act 2015 (Cth).

4.1 Warranties and Releases

4.1.1 The Indigenous Players guarantee that, despite any clause in this agreement, the AFL may still use their images and stories to showcase the tolerant, nurturing and inclusive nature of the AFL.

4.1.2 The Media Commentators guarantee to limit their use of the words ‘magic’ ‘exciting’ and ‘natural ability’ when describing Indigenous Players to twenty (20) times per broadcast.

4.1.3 Clause 4.1.2 does not apply to any broadcast featuring both Bruce McAvaney and Cyril Rioli.

 

SIGNED BY THE PARTIES

 

____________________________

Gillon McLachlan

____________________________

Eddie McGuire

 

IN THE PRESENCE OF

 

____________________________

Keith Windshuttle

____________________________

Mark Latham