LATEST
POPULAR
Leaked: The Peter (Dutton) Papers

Peter Dutton says he’s “proud” of last weekend’s announcement that he has removed children from detention centres. However, the evidence suggests otherwise. The following is leaked email correspondence that The Chaser has obtained under the Freedom of Satire Act between Immigration Minister Peter Dutton and his communications consultant Andreas Wunder. They are presented unedited and unredacted. Suck on that for a juicy leak, International Consortium of Investigative Journalists. (From Chaser Quarterly – Issue 2)

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Andreas,
The boss asked me to see where you’re going with the rebranding of Nauru and Manus. With the success of the Christmas Island commemorative thingy over the break, he is keen for us to get on with the job ASAP.
Also mate, thanks again, those Mindfulness CDs you loaned me have been really calming. I’m coping with the aftermath of that recent bullying episode by Amnesty International much better. I now realise that human rights advocacy groups are generally made up of lawless thugs from broken homes. You’ve got to pity them. They really need to step back and have a good hard look at themselves and let those of us trying to improve the world get on with it.
Peter
PS – I could never understand why Philip Ruddock wanted to be seen wearing an Amnesty label badge; it beggars belief!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Peter,
The ideas that came out of today’s brainstorming session were criminally good. It should be a breeze to sell Nauru as an island vacation. We’re just dealing with a minor perception problem.
While I’ve drawn up a list of agencies, I strongly feel that Ogilvy Parker Bruce should get the gig. Who would have thought that migrating red crabs (Gecarcoidea natalis), barbed wire and Santa holding a baton could be so sweetly juxtaposed? Re: this announcement about sending 72 kiddies back to Nauru. It just needs to accentuate how lucky they are to be going on holidays to the tropics. As for Ruddock and that Amnesty lapel badge — he wore it to piss them off. Just to drive those tedious petition-junkies insane.
Best
Andreas

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Andreas,
I missed your email the other day and went ahead with that official announcement regarding the repatriation of the children to Nauru. Just thought I should get it out there before the High Court meddled with it.
Love the idea of the other 70 children on Nauru being desperate for some playmates. Could you shape the press release for me along the lines of making sure there are enough numbers in the camp to learn how to play cricket properly? Would be cruel if the kids in the camp didn’t have the same access to sport’s education as the average Aussie kid. Let’s face it: we do have a responsibility to make their indefinite incarceration as fun as possible.
Regards
Peter

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Dear Peter,
The detention centre cricket comp should go down well with the public and get us some brownie points. Hell, the government is spending so much on the camps as it is, we may as well send them some stumps and a couple of bats, although better make them out of foam. Anyway it’s a safer bet than the surfboards you sent last year. I hate to bring it up, but Border Force freaked when those reffos peroxided their hair and set off for New Zealand. Silly fuckers. Talk about desperate.
Best
Andreas

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Dear Peter,
About that query you had last week, unfortunately ‘deeply traumatised’ is, in fact, not a euphemism like ‘collateral damage’, like you’d hoped. I know it seemed that way in that report in The Guardian. As for the return of that pregnant Somali slapper, Ubah, it comes down to what you define as rape. The Transfield camp commandant told me that she was raped by three of her common law husbands and just wanted to come to Sydney for a test to determine paternity. Ubah then struggled with the Sydney winter and began yearning for palm trees and the tropical heat. All the abortion noise was just nonsense.
Andreas

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Andreas,
Thanks for clearing up the euphemism quandary. Language can be so opaque, can’t it?
I was thinking the other night about new locations. How about Mururoa Atoll? Think about it, Christmas, Manus, Nauru and Mururoa. You could make a fab jingle like one of those Beach Boys songs where they name all the cool places to surf. Feelers have also gone out to Tuvalu. Sure it’s a bit damp in places, but it’s got a big thumbs up from the lads, so watch this space.
Peter

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Peter,
Reporteur does just mean reporter. You were pretty close with your ‘foreign intelligence stooge’ guess. Either way, cancelling the UN visit to Nauru was ace strategising. It would have just provoked riots and protest among the inmates.Have you had a chance to digest that Wikipedia brief on the United Nations? It seems that Australia is a signatory. Worse luck.
Andreas

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Dear Andreas,
You really are a wunderkind. I’ve been feeling down lately about this being likened, in the popular press, to a Brussels sprout. What you said about human beings cultivating members of the brassica family, from right back into antiquity, cheered me up some. Kirilly loves it when I cook them although she always makes me sleep on the sofa if I’ve had a feed as they can cause a bit of wind. It’s when I’m lying out there in the living room at night that I feel like I know what it must be like to be a reffo away from your family. It’s actually not too bad.
Peter