Oh, how I love the wowsers of this world. The ones who belt around like there's a five alarm fire every minute of every day, insisting that we remove the sharp corners of the world in case someone happens along and, god forbid, hurts themselves.

I happened upon a website this morning called W.A.T.C.H - World Against Toys Causing Harm . Never before, in the history of global nannyism, has there been a more retarded site. Ever. I'm serious. These people are the ultimate Wrap-Everything-In-Cotton-Wool-As-Long-As-It's-Hypoallergenic tinfoil-hat wearing worriers.

So here, just in time to suck every available ounce of fun out of Christmas, is the complete set of warnings about how insidious and potentially lethal all toys are. These guys have had a peek inside Santa's workshop ("Proudly Accident Free since 1998!" but still full of non-union, scab labour elves) and they've clearly had a heart attack.

Words in bold are the warnings from W.A.T.C.H. The comments that follow are merely my attempt to understand what the hell these people are on about.

Watch Out for Toys marketed on the Internet: This, presumably, includes every toy ever made. I've seen a lot of toys on the internet. According to the experts, I am now in imminent danger of being killed at any moment.

Watch Out for Battery Operated toys for Children Under 8: Especially the ones that vibrate. They're nasty.

Watch Out for Toys with "Hair" or "Fur": Apparently, Tickle Me Elmo promotes inappropriate touching, and live animals pose much less risk of attack than your average teddy bear.

Watch Out for Toys with Small Removable Attachments: Translation - DO NOT send your child an email this Christmas.

Watch out for Projectile Toys: I'm looking at you, Tennis Ball.

Watch Out for Toys with Pointed Tips, And Blunt or Sharp Edges: ie, please be careful with any toy that has a discernible shape. Shapes are outrageously dangerous.

Watch Out for Toys with Strings Longer than Six Inches: "Johnny - we're taking your shoes and belt because we think you're a suicide risk"

Watch Out for Crib and Playpen Toys: The ceiling was fun enough for me, it'll be fun enough for you.

Watch Out for Toys Marketed with Other Product Lines: Any toy sold with a book is clearly subversive. Burn them all.

Watch Out for Toys made of Flammable Material: "L'il Junior's Barbecue Bricks" are now off Santa's list. As are the "Fully Poseable C4 Explosive Twins" dolls.

Watch Out for Realistic Looking Toy Weapons: Wielding a plastic axe will probably get your six-year-old shot in the head by over-vigilant police. Especially in Victoria.

Watch Out for Toys which Require Electricity: Electricity is Witchcraft and clearly the Work of the Devil. That means NO MORE TV. EVER.

Watch Out for Toys with Small Parts: Mr Potato Head and the Talking Horse from Toy Story are reported to be severely disappointed that they're off the Xmas list.

Watch Out for Long Handled Toys For Children Up To 4 Years Of Age: Dude. What on earth does this even mean? Johnny! PUT THAT TOILET BRUSH DOWN RIGHT NOW! Etc.

Watch out for Toys with Toxic Surfaces or Components: Especially if your child is a former KGB agent who has turned to Journalism and has a fondness for sushi.

So, having read through the list and made some approximate sense of the warnings, I have spent days scouring the known universe for a toy that doesn't need batteries or electricity, is bald, cannot be used as a projectile, has no readily identifiable shape or form (especially if the cops might think it's a real gun), is devoid of handles, strings or attachments, has small parts (both toxic and non-toxic), can burn, fit in or on a crib or playpen or is marketed in conjunction with any other product.

Hence, I would like to announce the formation of my own company. We're called "Gregor's Amazing Sea Sponge Company" and if these W.A.T.C.H. morons get their way, we will be the sole provider of Xmas toys within five years.

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