I went to Singapore a fortnight ago and it sucked so much that I’ve decided to condemn its Prime Minister to death. Here’s why…
1) The Beatings To Death
If you import heroin into Singapore, you get hanged. But if you torture then kick to death your Indonesian maid, you only get 18 years – as happened to one poor Singaporean master in 2002.
And if you order your maid out a window to hang washing and they selfishly fall to their death, they could cost you as much as three months jail or a $150 fine.
At least 147 maids have died since 1999. At least in Australia we have the decency to lock up our desperate migrants for years in the desert.
2) The Barbarism
When you flick on the TV over breakfast, you don’t expect to see a heated debate on whether rapists should be castrated or simply jailed and whipped. But that’s what you get in Singapore. Kochie would be appalled to see such an unvacuous discussion taking place before 9am.
A phone poll of viewers found 69% favoured castration after considering the issue over their Weet-Bix, while 20% opted for the soft option of jailing and whipping.
3) The Embarrassing Patheticness
The place is a teacher’s pet’s paradise. While I was there, the government issued a new order for the police to pull over more cars. Nothing unusual about that, you might think, given what we know about the Singaporean police state. Except they were pulling people up to give them “courtesy tickets” for good road behaviour. It’s hard to imagine anything more embarrassing.
4) The Exploitation
The enormous wealth of Singapore is built on its huge pool of exploited foreign labourers. Foreign maids, for example, are specifically exempted from the Employment Act which provides minimum days off and maximum weekly hours. In fact, last month a huge debate exploded over whether maids should be entitled to one day off a month. Some maids are not even paid. But on the good side, at least we know where Howard got his latest workplace changes from.
5) The Bullying and Rudeness
The first thing you notice in Singapore is that everyone wants to order you around. I got busted surreptitously eating a nut on a train when a plain-clothes inspector stepped out from among commuters. And there are bossy signs everywhere. I decided to photograph them.
According to rumour, the Holy Grail of bossy Singaporean signs is the one that tells you the penalty for not flushing the toilet. I couldn’t find one, though because even in the cruddiest places the problem has been solved: Singaporean toilets flush themselves, and without warning – often giving your genitals a soaking. And it seems many individuals have adopted the state’s arrogance. Things are rudely put to you as a fait accompli, in much the same manner as a mandatory death sentence. If you speak to a manager, you simply cop more passive aggression where you are told exactly the same thing, but with a contemptuous grin.
6) The Conmen
Thieves, charlatans and conmen are the employees of choice in many shops. Getting their attention and even the most basic information on products is the first challenge. When you finally do, you are given an elaborate theatrical display with calculators and false ledger books. While waving a carbon copy of a receipt in my face, one guy showed me how the camera he was offering for $400 was a bargain because he’d just sold one for $1600. I didn’t believe it was real, but if I did, was I supposed to be more at ease because he’d just ripped someone else off?
And when you pull your wallet out the price suddenly starts rising – with this tax and that levy. Then, when you get fed up with the snide abuse, the pressure selling starts. One guy dropped an iPod price from $375 to $300 because I walked out of the shop – but insisted on cash. When I returned with the money, the price had suddenly leapt to $345. He’d tried to get me committed by withdrawing cash – and then couldn’t even look me in the eye.
Sure, in Australia we encounter the same kind of people when we buy a house or car – but at least you can let your guard down in Harvey Norman and Woolworths.
7) The Philistines
Singapore is a cross between a hospital, a workplace and a shopping centre. The place has no soul – it’s like Canberra, but even more sterile. There is a monied middle class, but nothing that usually goes with it in the modern world. Singapore is like medieval England with more gadgets.
There is no culture, no spontaneity, no organic grit, no sophistication, no cosmopolitanism, no body politic, and no alternative ideas. But it gave me an excellent taste of what 1950’s Australia was like.
8) The Fourth Estate
Singaporean papers never get stuck into the government. When I arrived, the front page lead story in the country’s leading newspaper, The Straits Times, was about how a disgruntled taxi patron had asked for a $10 refund. The rest of the paper was full of nonsense about crime and celebrities – in other words, a lot like the Murdoch press.
The degree of censorship is so absurd that even a book for quadriplegics called Fun In Bed was banned.
9) The State Racism?
I hate to get back to the maids. But another interesting fact is that only maids from certain countries like the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka are permitted to take those jobs. Chinese (the ethnic majority in Singapore) aren’t. It seems that only darker-skinned people are deemed worthy of this demeaning work. I’m sure they’d even get a better deal working for middle-class families here in Australia – perhaps in places like Cronulla?
1) The Beatings To Death
If you import heroin into Singapore, you get hanged. But if you torture then kick to death your Indonesian maid, you only get 18 years – as happened to one poor Singaporean master in 2002.
A traditional Singaporean welcome
At least 147 maids have died since 1999. At least in Australia we have the decency to lock up our desperate migrants for years in the desert.
2) The Barbarism
When you flick on the TV over breakfast, you don’t expect to see a heated debate on whether rapists should be castrated or simply jailed and whipped. But that’s what you get in Singapore. Kochie would be appalled to see such an unvacuous discussion taking place before 9am.
A phone poll of viewers found 69% favoured castration after considering the issue over their Weet-Bix, while 20% opted for the soft option of jailing and whipping.
3) The Embarrassing Patheticness
Tim thinks the tourism bureau is aiming too high
4) The Exploitation
The enormous wealth of Singapore is built on its huge pool of exploited foreign labourers. Foreign maids, for example, are specifically exempted from the Employment Act which provides minimum days off and maximum weekly hours. In fact, last month a huge debate exploded over whether maids should be entitled to one day off a month. Some maids are not even paid. But on the good side, at least we know where Howard got his latest workplace changes from.
5) The Bullying and Rudeness
The sign that forbade Tim's nut consumption - and the durian he had stuffed down his pants
According to rumour, the Holy Grail of bossy Singaporean signs is the one that tells you the penalty for not flushing the toilet. I couldn’t find one, though because even in the cruddiest places the problem has been solved: Singaporean toilets flush themselves, and without warning – often giving your genitals a soaking. And it seems many individuals have adopted the state’s arrogance. Things are rudely put to you as a fait accompli, in much the same manner as a mandatory death sentence. If you speak to a manager, you simply cop more passive aggression where you are told exactly the same thing, but with a contemptuous grin.
6) The Conmen
Hand-made signs that ban things are a traditional Singaporean handicraft
And when you pull your wallet out the price suddenly starts rising – with this tax and that levy. Then, when you get fed up with the snide abuse, the pressure selling starts. One guy dropped an iPod price from $375 to $300 because I walked out of the shop – but insisted on cash. When I returned with the money, the price had suddenly leapt to $345. He’d tried to get me committed by withdrawing cash – and then couldn’t even look me in the eye.
Sure, in Australia we encounter the same kind of people when we buy a house or car – but at least you can let your guard down in Harvey Norman and Woolworths.
7) The Philistines
Singapore is a cross between a hospital, a workplace and a shopping centre. The place has no soul – it’s like Canberra, but even more sterile. There is a monied middle class, but nothing that usually goes with it in the modern world. Singapore is like medieval England with more gadgets.
There is no culture, no spontaneity, no organic grit, no sophistication, no cosmopolitanism, no body politic, and no alternative ideas. But it gave me an excellent taste of what 1950’s Australia was like.
8) The Fourth Estate
And finally Singapore's most popular sign - it just bans everything
The degree of censorship is so absurd that even a book for quadriplegics called Fun In Bed was banned.
9) The State Racism?
I hate to get back to the maids. But another interesting fact is that only maids from certain countries like the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka are permitted to take those jobs. Chinese (the ethnic majority in Singapore) aren’t. It seems that only darker-skinned people are deemed worthy of this demeaning work. I’m sure they’d even get a better deal working for middle-class families here in Australia – perhaps in places like Cronulla?
So what’s the conclusion for Singapore? Well it’s clean, but morally and culturally it's filthy. The virtual dictatorship that has brainwashed and stifled the people and built the country on exploitation is to blame. And those responsible – the ruling party and their cronies – should be held accountable using methods they’ll understand. They all deserve the noose.
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