For the first time in the history of blogging, I’ve done a writer’s commentary of thoughts about the piece.  So hit play, toggle back to this screen and enjoy.

First, download the amazing audio file here. Then YOU can enjoy an overly long 15 minutes of outstandingly irritating analysis of this article, complete with real-life examples of aggravation. Hear Tim's patented braying donkey sounds and annoying singing! Recorded in monaural IrritAudio - enjoy the wildly varying audio levels!!

 

Are you lost for ideas on how to tease your younger brothers and sisters? Do you yearn for the good old days when you could make them see red? “But I’m 35 and, unlike John Howard, I don’t live at home” I hear you say. Well, no matter. My patented teasing techniques can be used on anyone family, friends, flatmates, even people in supermarket queues. I guarantee that there are people in your life who are past their use by date – so feel free to use my techniques.

Now when I'm talking teasing, I’m don’t mean licking food on their plate, farting on their teddy, or rubbing Tiger Balm onto their sleeping eyelids – that’s so pedestrian.  I’m talking about Guantanamo Bay style psychological manipulation.

Irritating Noises

A simple way to start your aggravation campaign. The best of these is the low hum.  It is best used over the dinner table, when watching TV, or in the car. It can even be used in lectures, on trains – in fact anywhere. And if it bores you to hum, why not download mine and loop it?

For faster results, try the less subtle donkey bray or howler monkey screech.

Say "dot com" after everything 

This sounds so simple.  But in fact it is one of the most irritating and successful tools a teaser has in their kit. Most subjects will move from amusement to ignoring you to exasperation to homicide in about 10 minutes. When they move to the stage of flat out asking you to stop, agree. Then start saying .org after everything.  After that change to .asn , .net, and of course .edu.  When you are actually being strangled, Joe Tripodi style, pull out the .au’s and .nz’s.

Blowing Your Brains Out

Every time your target starts to drone on about croquet, gardening, politics or their sorry life, simply put your fingers to your head like a gun and pretend to blow your brains out (sound effects are optional). Do it first when they are being genuinely boring, but extend it more and more until finally you are putting your fingers to your head after everything they say. Even pre-empt them when they draw breath to speak.

Fake Correspondence

The key here is detail and preparation.  You’re like a forger, the only gentleman in the criminal community, so act like one – be meticulous. Write fake letters from your mum to your dad about how she loves you more.   If you want to be really smart put it in your mum’s underpants drawer. That way they can’t verify it with mum because they shouldn’t have been there.

But this is the digital age, so you can also use text messages and even emails.  Creating a fake email address is so easy, and whacking a $20 prepaid SIM in your phone is child’s play. Now you can create any identity or identities you want. Enjoy.

Attacking personal attributes

This has always been the mainstay of older brothers and sisters, stretching back to when Cain teased Abel for having a snake-shaped birth mark. Mind you, they were in regular conversation with God, so I guess they were under a lot of stress.

A good place to start is the nose and work down. The key here is repetition and consistency over days – if not weeks. Suggested taunts are “fat-arse”, “micro-dick”, “double-chin” and “Howard-eyebrows”.

Hit them

This approach is simple but effective, especially if they’ve resisted previous attempts. By law your parents can’t touch them, but as a minor you’ve got a free hand.

Singing

Now that your sibling is really pissed off and is whinging away, it’s time to really rev them up. Try these little ditties: “Hush my child, hush my child, help is near, hush my child” or “Silence, silence” or best of all the classic “Here comes the sun, little darling; here comes the sun, and I say; denana, denana, denananana.”  (For illustration of the irritation potential, listen to the audio commentary.)

Conclusion

So there you have it. You now have the skills to successfully make sure you have serious issues with you siblings or significant others for many years into the future, probably leading to therapy if not actual physical violence. Well done.

For more irritation, visit timbrunero.com - dot com. 

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