I’ve always hated 4WDs. Not because you only ever seem to see them being driven to the local shops by suburban housewives to pick up 2kgs of groceries. And not just 'cos the bastards block your view of an entire hemisphere whenever they sidle up next to you at the lights.

I hate them because the people who buy them are vain idiots. What kind of person swans around in a specialized truck which they’ll never use for its intended purpose? It’s like buying a whipped cream bulbs and using them to get high… actually that’s probably not a good example.

Anyway, I’m particularly talking about the enormous BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Porsche and Range Rover jobs. The closest they’ve come to performing the role for which they were created is to conquer the curb and park on the median strip at Sunday soccer.

Is it a means of compensating for having a small penis? Is it the feeling of superiority one gets from sitting up higher than everyone else? Or is it the much-discredited misconception they are safe? Well, yes, yes and yes.

However it’s also because 4WD drivers don’t give a shit about frying heaps of fossil fuel, being a pain in the arse on the road or being a danger to others – pedestrians and cars.

The overwhelming reason for driving them seems to be as a way of letting everyone else know how much dosh they have.

And for a minority, it’s because they have more than two kids and don’t want to be seen in a station wagon or people mover. Notice how much work Honda has done to sell their Odyssey as a sporty car?

Even George Bush probably agrees – he wouldn’t have to wage wars in the Middle East if less of his citizens drove SUVs.

I have a governmental solution. Anytime anyone walks into a dealership to buy a 4WD $50,000 should be pulled from their estate (which would go to hospitals and tree plantations) and they would instead be issued with a 1985 Commodore.

But until that dream is fulfilled, there is something we all can do… join my crusade! Here's what you need. Click here to read all the stickers, and  here to download a PDF you can print yourself. All you need to do is print it on some sticker paper, like this – I just used Avery full-sheet paper and cut them up myself. Once you’ve got them on a couple of 4WDs, take a snap of your handiwork and send them to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it – now, get stuck in!

Here are some examples I prepared earlier.

First, we found one of those big, ugly Mitsubishi numbers. (I'm distracted, but it's the clearest photo!)
 

Then we happened upon the most hardcore 4WD of all, a Range Rover. They pretty much invented the category. Which of course means they're also the brand that is most often found inappropriately spewing fumes all over inner-city streets.

Finally, we found the Holy Grail. A shiny new BMW. When they started making 4WDs, it was the perfect solution for dull suburban housewives, who could finally combine the overkill of using a 4WD for the quick run to the corner store to restock on goats' cheese with their favourite overpriced luxury marque.

P.S. I’m going to leave the results of the Battle Of The Cults pending - there are more contenders worthy of investigation.

www.timbrunero.com

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