G’day, Aker here. Ever since I wrote my column last week telling gay footballers to stay in the closet, I’ve had people yelling and screaming at me – just like they did when I kicked that amazing goal from 55 out against Carlton in 2002.

The Western Bulldogs, Mission Foods, the Today Show, MTR 1377 and SKY News would all like to distance themselves from this column

Yup, Aker – you’ve done it again.

So that’s why when I went to the Herald-Sun with my new column about disabled people they said, “Aker, you’re a legend. This is superb. But why don’t you write about gay people again instead? You seem to have a lot to say about the subject. And we’ll hold onto this disabled people piece for a while, eh?” And they’re right. I do have a lot to say.

So here’s everything else you need to know if you’re a gay footballer.

How do I know if I’m really gay?

Good question. You can’t always know who you really are. I, for instance, didn’t know I was such a great columnist until the Herald-Sun hooked me up with this ghost-writer guy.

Probably the best way to know if you’re gay is when you’re not attracted to women. So watch the Footy Show one night, and look out for the people Sam Newman bags out. If you’re not attracted to any of them, you probably are gay.

Should I feel bad about being gay?

No way! Gayness is OK by me – Mrs Doubtfire is one of my favourite movies. And I know all about AIDS and stuff (not that I'd ever wear a franger). I'm just worried about how the other guys might react when they hear there's a gay on the loose.

How should I dress?

First of all, don’t dress gay. Cruising round on a Friday or Saturday night in sleeveless tops, pulled-up socks and tight shorts will make your team mates very uncomfortable.

You should try to look as macho as possible. Maybe a bit of bleached hair, ginger-goatee action would go down well. It’s a little bit Bronski Beat, little bit Freddie Mercury. The important thing is it’s manly.

How should I act?

Just lay low and don’t rock the boat. If it gets out you’re gay, all hell will break loose. You’d be the centre of a huge controversy, you’d be in the headlines for days, and you’d have lots of people saying you were an attention-seeking dickhead. I can’t even imagine what that would be like.

So you’re better off just sticking your head down and tail up. Actually, just the “head down” part will do. As long as it's away from me.

What should I do in the showers?

This is the most important part of any club by a mile. It’s crucial for team harmony for everyone to walk around the showers patting each other on the bum.

People can knock it, but they haven’t been there. And they don’t understand how tightly a team bonds when you all check each other out and wrestle naked and stuff. It’s like when you all stand around jerking off in front of one of your teammates having sex with some drunk chick. It’s important.

So just go with the flow. But don’t do anything weird, cause you’ll freak everyone out.

How can I not tear apart the fabric of my club?

Don’t play for the Brisbane Lions. They’re a bunch of ungrateful fuckwits. And Michael Voss is a goat-fucker.

So you see, it doesn’t take much for you to fit into your club, even if you are gay. And I’m not a homophobe. Aker out.

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