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Text message lacks nuance
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Lying in bed nursing a hangover, Wollongong carpet-layer
Thomas Schuster, 29, has announced his "profound dismay and disappointment in
myself" after reviewing the Sent Items folder in his Nokia N81 mobile phone
this morning. "I would like to apologise to everyone I texted last night," he
said, in a soft voice. "Especially those of you I referred to as ‘softcocks who
shuld [sic] be out here partying n lookin 4 bitches'. Sorry, Nanna."
Three days after definitively completing work on Bea
Arthur's Wikipedia entry, long-term stalker Walter Slade announced his
intention to cease lurking outside the 86-year-old actress's New York home,
collecting locks of her silver hair. The insanely obsessed fan previously
considered throwing in the towel when The
Golden Girls was cancelled in 1992: "I was ready to quit there and then,
but realised it'd be a lot easier to follow her around now that she was unemployed."
Having waited on hold for 40 minutes, reanimated corpse Trevor Fleck has slammed call centre workers across the nation, declaring them slack-jawed imitations of humanity with no reasoning power. "All I want to do is cancel my electricity account," he said. "As a zombie, I have no need for warmth or light. Yet these mouth-breathers at Integral Energy can't seem to get that into their thick, delicious frontal lobes."
Starbucks Coffee has shut down most of its Australian stores and made
their staff redundant, a move that was widely expected after a spate of
closures in the US. The move came after the company’s sales figures
confirmed market research predictions that Australian consumers were
unwilling to pay $5 for a cup of hot milk.
Despite the clear presence of a sign informing customers it
is "not a lending library", Erskineville Newsagency was visited by a no-good freeloader
last Tuesday afternoon. The offender, a non-descript mid-20s man in a business
suit, made no pretence of purchasing the August issue of RALPH, choosing instead to peruse the publication while standing in
the Men's Lifestyle section.
Married investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm
Penfold has declared himself "completely flummoxed" by recent sartorial trends. As
male and female clothing options increasingly resemble one another, the bearded 54-year-old
has found himself alienated on both fronts. "Jesus Christ," he wrote on an
anonymous internet forum. "I swear I saw a line of fluoro kilts for sale the
other day. Where am I supposed to wear them? In public, or in the shameful privacy
of my own bathroom while the missus is asleep?"
Newcastle-based programmer
Alan Ko has mentally laid out a financial plan of action which he intends to
undertake should he win next week's jackpot Lotto. While the 31-year-old has
earmarked some of the prize pool for paying off debts and helping various
charities, the majority of his make-believe winnings will be spent on his
equally make-believe girlfriend - a gorgeous lingerie model with Eastern
European features and a sexy accent.
Clinically
depressed entreprenuer Joseph de Rossi, 27, has embarked upon a six-month
whirlwind tour of the world’s major cities, in search of the perfect place to
end his unbearable existence. The insurance salesman, who already committed career
suicide by sleeping with his boss’s wife, says he wants to do something
different with his life as he ends it. “I’m not the kind of guy to build a shoddy,
makeshift noose in my loungeroom," he explained. "I want my death to be as unique as my misery."
The unspoken rules of ATM behaviour were blithely
disregarded yesterday, as public relations consultant Jerri Cuthbert, 23,
withdrew a total of $210 from various bank accounts during what onlookers
described as "a complete disregard for her fellow man". "I don't know how she
was raised," said disgruntled queuer Nick Mendes. "But I was always taught not
to waste everyone's lunch hour with on-screen account balances."
