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Sports buff in pub trivia team only listened to on sports questions
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Efforts to save former leader Simon Crean from losing his seat were hampered today when Mr Crean publicly backed himself in the preselection battle. Since Mr Crean threw his weight behind the fight to save himself, support for the former Opposition Leader has slumped from "token" to "abysmal". Insiders acknowledge that Mr Crean faces a tough fight to save his career, as well as conceding that he lost the fight many years ago.
When Harry Hewitt attempted to explain the workings of the world wide web to his octagenerian grandmother, he expected limited success. But even that modest hope was dashed, after a lengthy explanation punctuated by confused questions left the elderly Mrs Hewitt feeling only baffled and tired.
Australians have called on the Muslim community to defend Mohammed after Tim Blair’s decision to publish the Danish cartoons on his blog were totally ignored. “You don’t have to kill him, but you could at least rough him up a bit,” said Ken Williams of Adelaide. “I hate wannabe Neo-Cons.”
Tony Abbott made a passionate defence in Parliament yesterday of his right as Health Minister to veto the abortion drug RU486. "The TGA is the wrong body to make these sorts of difficult moral decisions. Whereas the current system allows me, as an elected representative, to canvass public opinion," he said. "And then reject it to impose my own narrow religious beliefs."
Indonesia has invited US Vice-President Dick Cheney to lead a quail hunting expedition on the day Bali 9 ringleaders Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran are due to be executed. "We don't think he'll shoot any quails," said Indonesia's Attorney General, "but he might get a couple of mules." 
In a sombre address to the UN yesterday, the Dalai Lama called on the international community to recognise that bumper sticker-based diplomacy had failed his country. While praising the efforts of Kombi drivers and cyclists for their dedicated support, the spiritual leader’s central message was one of disappointment. Despite claims, bumper stickers had neither “raised awareness” nor caused people to “get involved”.
PBL chair James Packer has this week awarded Eddie McGuire the only role at Channel Nine that he didn't already hold - that of CEO. The appointment will see McGuire finally recognised for his running of the station. "I'm very excited to have Eddie joining me up in Sydney," Packer told shareholders. "Although not as excited as Melbourne is."
President Bush recently revealed that he stopped an Al-Qaeda attempt to remake its successful terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in Hollywood in 2002, citing problems with test audiences. “The public didn’t want to see another plane flying into a tall building, and neither did we,” he said. “But if Al-Qaeda had wanted to do a project in Iraq, we definitely could have worked together.”
Former dictator Saddam Hussein agrees he would never have authorised dodgy wheat deals with AWB Limited if he’d known the company was not keeping the Australian government in the dark. “No self-respecting dictator would do a deal involving Alexander Downer,” he explained.
