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Hypochondriac self-diagnoses hypochondria
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19-year-old topless waitress Britney Harrison has found work on the floor at lingerie restaurant The Birdhouse – but only until she gets her big break. “I know it sounds clichéd,” says Harrison “a topless waitress who wants to be an porn actress, but the hours really suit my lifestyle and drug habit. I can always take time off to do an audition, and you’d be surprised how often the customers here offer me roles. I might ever get discovered – the BangBus could be right around the corner,” she laughs. 
The Government has welcomed the imminent passage of its WorkChoices legislation by reminding the public that despite the ACTU hysteria, the new industrial relations legislation is all about increasing choice for workers. “For example, employees will still be allowed to choose to strike under the new regime,” Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrew said. “Just as they’ll be allowed to choose what job to apply for after they’re sacked for striking.”
Lleyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright have cause to celebrate doubly today after their newborn baby girl spat the dummy for the first time, only hours after her birth. “It was a magnificent effort,” said Hewitt. “She bawled, she yelled, I think she might have even mouthed the word ‘spastic’ at me. And it was all over nothing. I couldn’t be prouder of her.”
Singapore has refused Nguyen Tuong Van’s request for chewing gum as his last meal, saying that to grant the condemned man’s wish could harm Singapore’s international reputation as a brutal but litter-free nation. “We’re more likely to give him clemency than the chance to litter,” said the superintendent of Changi prison Gong Chok Lee. “Besides, chewing gum is most uncivilised, even on death row.”
Year 12 students have once again descended on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, the annual festival where school leavers from across Australia come together to relax in the sun, binge drink and get raped. Nicole Withers, 17, of Pymble NSW, is a typical schoolie looking to wind down after a tough year of studying. "I really needed to relax after all that massive pressure to do well in my exams," she said. "So I came to a place where there's massive pressure to drink so much that you need to have your stomach pumped. It's pretty cool."
After two seasons of watching Mythbusters, Redfern woman Sue Hooper still hasn’t reached a definitive conclusion about the sexual orientation of hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. Months of painstaking anecdotal enquiry have left her only “90% sure that Jamie is gay, and Adam is just his good friend. Or at any rate that Jamie is gay, and Adam is mostly straight but has a little crush on him. Or I guess one of them could be bi, although it doesn’t seem quite right for some reason.” 
A strong week in the polls for the ALP has shown that if a federal election was held today, the polls would be completely wrong. The polls indicate that Labor enjoys a 54% two-party preferred vote, meaning they could be wrong by as much as 20% - or even 30% if Mark Latham made a comeback.
Just days after being released from prison, model Michelle Leslie has vowed to return to work, committing to a hectic schedule of shameless publicity stunts, and pursuing lucrative opportunities to become a model of superficiality and blatant hypocrisy. Although competition in Australian fashion is intense, in the fields of superficiality and hypocrisy especially, it is expected Leslie will receive masses of uncritical acclaim when she returns.
As some HSC students banally weigh up the merits of studying at Sydney or Macquarie in the new year, some like Barker College student Marcus Hawley are choosing a wilder unknown way. Boarding life will come as no shock for Hawley. Though his family lives at Warrawee, only a handful of suburbs away from Barker, he boarded at the Hornsby school for his final years so he could concentrate on his studies and many extra-curricular activities, chief among them rugby and golf.
