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Whacky guy in office still wearing a Swatch
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Buoyed by the Socceroos World Cup qualification, a newly converted football fan has paid the ultimate price for his enthusiasm, unwittingly subjecting himself to a Hyundai A-League match. “After the World Cup Qualifier I was dying to see more soccer,” he said. “But this was nothing like a soccer game. They didn’t play ‘Down Under’ by Men At Work once, let alone thirty times. And where was John Travolta?”
Locals from the Billabong precinct have turned to the courts after decades of nuisance from the ghost of the Jolly Swagman. “It’s relentless,” stockman Harry Baker said. “Day and night, he never stops moaning ‘You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me’. OK we understand, you’re not happy. But it was just a jumbuck. And a tucker-bag sized one at that. It’s not a license to be a noise polluter.”
Hopes were dashed last night when the first round of the Ford v Holden peace talks ended without any commitment to future actions. Organizers were confident that the talks could heal the rift in the bogan community caused by this decades old conflict, but once again the result was little more than infighting, recalcitrance and drunken punch-ups in the car park.
Colorful Coffs Harbour business identity Pete Monkhouse has criticised Australia’s aspiring terrorists for failing to name The Big Banana as a potential target. “Since the arrests, all we’ve heard about is Opera House this, Rialto Tower that,” Monkhouse complained. “I wonder if Al Qaeda realises just how big this banana is. I mean, we're talking about the biggest banana in the world. Or at least New South Wales”
Jordanian authorities fear that failed suicide bomber Sajida Mubarak al-Rishawi, who was taken into custody this week, may try, but fail, to harm herself in prison. Rishawi will be kept under 24 hour observation in an “suicide proof” cell with no sheets or sharp objects and only a bed, toilet and a vest packed with 3kg of explosives that has already been proved totally harmless.
Olympic gold medallist Grant Hackett has ruled himself out of the Commonwealth Games next year, fearing swimming could interfere with his attempts to sell children's snack products. Hackett recently injured his shoulder while wriggling comically for an Uncle Toby's ad, and worries the Games might hinder his recovery enough to stop him pretending to swim in future commercials. 
A satirical article laboured the point yesterday, merely dragging out the headline for another 300 words, unconfirmed sources reported. 
The Australian team are nearing readiness for the upcoming football World Cup, with most of the players having already completed their preparations to spend June 2006 at a luxury resort. The team only needs to dispense with the formality of a series loss to Uruguay before team management can book the trip to Fiji.
Suspects arrested during the recent counter-terror raids have rated Melbourne “a more bombable” city than Sydney - the fourth year in a row Melbourne has trumped its northern counterpart. Seventeen of Australia’s most dangerous jihadists were interrogated without charge for fourteen straight days to rank the world’s cities in fields such as infrastructure, culture, and infidel Zionist pig-dogs, and Melbourne scored highly right across the list.
