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Robert Downey Jr finishes celebrating NYE '02
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French authorities have hit back at international claims they are not doing enough to stem worsening violence in the Parisian suburbs, claiming that French rioting is “richer” than recent problems in the UK and US. “Unrest after the New Orleans hurricane showed America to be deeply divided country – on the one hand the wealthiest nation on earth, but still blighted with an underclass unable to escape a cycle of poverty and desperation,” said President Jacques Chirac. “It’s a rather clichéd motif. The variety of tensions leading to cars being set on fire here is much more nuanced, and ultimately more morally profound.”
Attorney General Philip Ruddock today defended his new sedition laws, which outlaw ‘unlawful’ dissent against the sovereign, Government, or either House of Parliament. Ruddock said the introduction of such broadly-worded anti-dissent laws was “absolutely urgent”. “After we pass this legislation, I would expect there to be more ‘open urging of disaffection with the Government’ then ever,” he said. “So we'd better be ready for it.”
John Howard’s refusal to promise that no workers will be worse off was vindicated yesterday when Wilson Ferguson, the Clerk of the Parliament slipped a disc while trying to lift the government draft laws. Mr Ferguson’s injury means he will be off work until the new laws are passed, after which he will be sacked.
Appalled by the latent prejudice he encounters everyday, ranch-hand Jimmy “Montana” Pitt has launched a one man crusade against those who vilify cowboys. “The word ‘cowboy’ has come to be associated with slip-shod, hot-headed work. But most of us are hard working folk, and today ranching is a very valuable part of the economy,” said Pitt, pausing to spit tebaccy in front of assembled reporters. “If it weren’t for us, this country would be in ten-feet high o’ horseshit (‘scuse me ladies). Why, it done been estimated that rustlin’ alone costs the US Government a $10 million a year. Contarnit.”
Karl Rove faces the toughest decision of his career tonight when he chooses whether to instruct George W. Bush to fire him for leaking a CIA agent’s identity. “It’s a tough one,” said Rove. “On one hand, I did get him to specifically say that he would fire anyone involved with the leak. On the other hand I’m probably the only person in the White House who’s actually qualified to perform their job. Including the President.”
Rodney Adler is to be reunited with his friend Brad Cooper thanks to the criminal justice system after Cooper was convicted of bribery and deception over the collapse of HIH. The association between Adler and Cooper, a flamboyant motivational speaker, became one of Australia's most inspirational business partnerships, inspiring a host of regulatory authorities to commence proceedings against them. Once jailed, Cooper's prison duties will include ironing, gardening and motivating jailed executives to return to business if they get parole.
President Bush has found another job for his friend and failed Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, appointing her to defend another embattled friend, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, after his indictment for perjury. “Harriet Miers is the ideal candidate to represent Scooter in court," the President announced. "She’s a wonderful Christian, a loyal friend and I know her heart. What more could you want, apart from maybe legal skills?” But Mr Libby has rejected the nomination, saying Ms Miers lacks adequate qualifications not just for the Supreme Court, but also for his criminal trial. "Lord knows, I need a really good lawyer," he explained.
Janet Jackson has revealed that she has a secret daughter, conceived through a ‘diaphragm malfunction’ during the 1986 Superbowl. Jackson says she has kept the secret for over 18 years in the hope that her daughter may never meet her uncle Michael. “It’s tough being a kid these days,” Janet said. “And it’s a lot tougher if you spend your afternoons drinking ‘Jesus juice’ while thumbing through your uncle’s porn collection.”
1980s teen heart-throb Corey Haim longs for the glory days of his failing career, when his name was a still regular feature in “not hot” lists. “I’d love to go to the opening of an envelope these days, but the invites aren’t coming in like they used to,” says the co-star of Snowboard Academy and Prayer of the Rollerboys. Only a few years ago Haim divided his time between telemovie auditions, personal testimonials for Tai-Bo, and the ever-demanding remnants of his fan club. Now the former child-star spends his days at home, poring over old newspaper reviews savaging his 1989 biopic Me, Myself and I. 
