In what may be his biggest victory yet, Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has unilaterally disarmed formerly outspoken anti-nuclear activist Peter Garrett. The Shadow Minister For Climate Change, Environment & Heritage, Arts had his anti-uranium core removed and deactivated by the new leader in a delicate operation that took place hours before the Labor national conference.

Although her weekdays are spent educating Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy, English teacher Sharne Mitchell, 48, has a deeper passion – her magnum opus on the turbulent inner life of a late-40s woman who educates Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy.

Kevin Rudd has again come under fire after plans for a fake memorial for the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre became public. "I knew nothing about a plan for a fake service for the Sunrise show," Rudd said this morning. "I thought it was for a 60 Minutes colour piece."

Although the pair have no immediate intentions to quit churning out episode after episode of catchphrase-based comedy, Little Britain creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams have annouced that even they have grown weary of the show's repetitious, endlessly quoted toilet humour. "It's a dilemma, because we're sick to death of it, but it's just so lucrative," Lucas said. "The BBC keeps asking us to do more, and we say yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. But then they wave even more money at us, and we say yeah."

Prince William has dumped his middle-class girlfriend Kate Middleton, saying she won’t make a suitable royal wife. “Kate was lovely, but ultimately we are from different social circles,” William said. “If I’m going to settle down, I need to find a suitable mother for my children. And, at the same time, a long-lost cousin.”

Fresh from his work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal" branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any other situation where people need their performance enhanced."