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Monday, 13 September 2004 |
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[Edition 89] John Howard has succeeded in terrifying voters with a scare campaign about interest rates rising under Labor. The Australian electorate is now very scared that Howard will keep going on about interest rates until election day. |
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Wednesday, 01 September 2004 |
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[Edition 89] Ross Cameron admitted he regrets not supporting his wife during her pregnancy, but said his busy adultery schedule made that impossible. "I was preaching so much, I really didn't have time to put my words into practice," he admitted. |
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Monday, 30 August 2004 |
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[Edition 89] "This amazing performance will silence all of those who've questioned whether we took illegal substances," said one cyclist. "Now they'll be in no doubt that we did." |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 |
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[Edition 89] "We normally leave attacks on people in wheelchairs to the Israelis, but it is for a good cause," Al-Qaeda spokesman Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said. "We hope to inspire differently-abled people everywhere with the thought that despite their challenges, they too have the opportunity to be killed in a world-class terrorist attack." |
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Friday, 20 August 2004 |
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[Edition 89] Investigators doubt Kenteris and Thanou's story that they crashed. However when they were eventually tested, officials did confirm that excessive speed had definitely been involved, and probably also steroids. |
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Monday, 16 August 2004 |
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[Edition 89] Pittman's coach has advised the athlete to focus on winning the Paralympic event over the same distance. "She's a good chance of a medal if she can figure out how to get her wheelchair over the hurdles," he said. |
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Monday, 16 August 2004 |
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[Edition 89] Botswana's Olympic 800m champion Glode Duby is responsible for the single biggest injection into his nation's economy for over 15 years after winning gold this week. The medal, valued at $412.87 on the stock market, is to be immediately melted down and sold in order to help pay off Botswana's foreign debt. |
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Wednesday, 21 July 2004 |
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[Edition 89] In an extraordinary press conference, Opposition Leader Mark Latham has made an emotional appeal to Australians, asking them to realise just how much of a bitch his first wife is being. The appeal came after the Liberal Party agreed to remove staff assigned to its Latham "dirt unit", saying that the only staff the unit needs is Ms Gabrielle Gwyther, Mr Latham's former spouse. |
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Wednesday, 21 July 2004 |
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[Edition 89] Australian star Sean Eadie has set a personal best for peddling, after allegedly importing a world-beating quantity of growth hormone tablets from California in the post in 1999. If verified, Eadie will be recognised as cycling's current Commonwealth criminal record-holder. |
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Thursday, 08 July 2004 |
 “From the obvious conflicts of interest to the outrageous abuse of a position of trust, even down to the dodgy accountant, this is Vizard’s most side-splittingly accurate impersonation ever,” ASIC chairman Jeffrey Lucy said. “I’d even rate Steve’s new impression of a white-collar criminal as highly as his classic camp airline steward character.” |
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Wednesday, 24 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] Though Mr Keelty's statement was subsequently confirmed both by US Ambassador Tom Schieffer and Osama bin Laden, he was forced to 'clarify' his original statement after receiving a phone call from Howard's office. "Everything was made much clearer when they explained that unless I took my comments back, I'd be out of a job," Keelty said. |
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Wednesday, 17 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] New data from NASA's Mars Rover Spirit has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. "This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind", said NASA Director Stephen Peters. |
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Wednesday, 17 March 2004 |
[Edition 83] US Vice-President Dick Cheney has come out in favour of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage despite having an openly gay daughter in love. The Vice President made the decision after a soul-searching week of full and frank discussions with the President, his daughter and his bank manager.
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Wednesday, 17 March 2004 |
[Edition 83] John Howard has announced a $680 million election package for the nation's 40,000 swinging voters in marginal seats. Under the plan, the government will offer all residents who are currently undecided about the upcoming election rent assistance, food assistance, transport assistance, life assistance and voting Liberal assistance.
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Wednesday, 17 March 2004 |
[Edition 83] Social conservatives opposed to gay unions have called on homosexuals experiencing marital difficulties to stay together in a bid to stem alarming increases in the rate of gay family breakdown. Anti-liberal group Focus on the Family today released research which shows that gay divorce rates have soared since the ban on gay marriage ended.
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Tuesday, 16 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] Temporary Haitian leader Yvon Neptune has dismissed speculation that the ousting of President Aristide will further plunge the troubled nation into unrest. "Maybe I'm a little biased, but I've just got a good feeling about this coup" said the new leader. "There's a real buzz in the air, and only part of it is looting-related excitement." "Maybe I'm a little biased, but I've just got a good feeling about this coup" said the new leader. "There's a real buzz in the air, and only part of it is looting-related excitement." |
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] The Grand Mufti Day concept is similar to the traditional school Mufti Day, but rather than wearing 'civvies' students are encouraged to wear traditional Islamic robes and engage in incendiary, irresponsible rhetoric that encourages terrorism. |
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] Prime Minister John Howard commented that he wholeheartedly agreed that 65 should not be considered a mandatory retirement age. "Look at me, for instance. I've never had more enthusiasm for this job," he said. "In fact, the more Peter wants it, the more enthusiastic I seem to get about keeping it." |
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004 |
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[Edition 83] The working title for the work is is Untitled Ultra-Violent Fundamentalist Christian Diatribe Project and it is set to focus upon the last twelve hours of Jesus' life before he commences the Battle of Armageddon. |
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Wednesday, 25 February 2004 |
[Edition 82] Brogden has proposed a succession of increasingly kneejerk solutions throughout the train crisis: first calling for judges to "get tough" on sentencing late trains, and then demanding that all trains be sent back to where they came from.
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