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Tuesday, 24 June 2003 |
[Edition 75] CANBERRA, Thursday – John Howard released a controversial policy statement today, arguing that the Senate be abolished in favour of a device measuring noise from the gallery of the House of Representatives. Howard called the current mechanisms of the Senate "anachronistic", saying that it had been invented before technologies like the Clap-O-Meter and SMS polls.
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003 |
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[Edition 75] LONDON, Monday - Tony Blair has today hit back at intelligence community leaks suggesting he deceived the public over weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. "These rogue elements in the intelligence community are making unlikely claims wholly unsubstantiated by evidence – and that's our job" said a visibly angry Blair. |
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003 |
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[Edition 75] SYDNEY, Tuesday – The children of Bettina Arndt and Angela Shannahan have come forward today to protest their repeated appearance in newspaper columns. A prepared statement was read by Kate Arndt, the thirteen-year-old daughter of Arndt, calling for an end to this exploitative practice. |
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003 |
[Edition 75] MELBOURNE, Thursday: IT consultant and new '3' customer Jason
Simmons made his first video call today using 3G mobile phone
technology. "It was amazing," Simmons said. "A picture really is worth a thousand words, even when it's as choppy and washed-out as this
one." |
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003 |
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[Edition 75] ADELAIDE, Saturday - Latin dance instructor Jose Barretto was disappointed to learn that his 8pm Tuesday class had only a fleeting interest in the infectious rhythms of South America and the Caribbean. "Rather than a way to expand their cultural horizons, increase fitness and have fun, the class instead sees it as a last-resort measure to end their loneliness." |
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Monday, 23 June 2003 |
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[Edition 74] HOBART, Friday: A lonely Hobart man said he was excited yesterday to receive an email in his Hotmail account. The unpopular man, who has held the account for more than four years, said he's never received an email before, and was caught completely off guard by its arrival. |
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Tuesday, 27 May 2003 |
[Edition 74] Hours of back-breaking work were made worthwhile today for Kenyan coffee picker Abuya Wakesa when she received her customer feedback forms from Starbucks. "Eighty-three percent of customers thought my beans were good," said Wakesa from the comfort of her one-bedroom thatch hut. "It's their satisfaction that gets me back out in the field and keeps me smiling throughout my 12-hour shift."
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Thursday, 22 May 2003 |
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[Edition 74] Residents of Bendigo woke today to find that a tornado had done half a million dollars worth of improvements to their town. Winds reached 130 kilometres per hour, cleaning up the streets and knocking down several of the town's worst eyesores. |
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Thursday, 22 May 2003 |
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[Edition 74] The creationist chimp, who resides in the remote Rwandan mountains, said he and many of his fellow Christian apes reject Darwin's popular theory that they are man's direct ancestors. |
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Thursday, 22 May 2003 |
[Edition 74] Nayouf, remarkable for his unerring valour in the face of the the daunting US military machine, has begun to develop a pathological fear of reverse parking.
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Saturday, 10 May 2003 |
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[Edition 73] Elements of the fashionista remain unconvinced about Lowes' new line, describing it as "overly confronting" and baulking at its extravagant $12.95 price tag. |
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Thursday, 08 May 2003 |
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[Edition 73] "I'm just calling in a favour," said Hollingworth, from the freshly redecorated Government House. "I helped a few of these guys keep their jobs in the past, so now I'm asking them to help me keep mine." |
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Thursday, 08 May 2003 |
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[Edition 73] Pan has agreed to co-operate fully with the recall. "People may have been taking tablets with much higher doses than usual," said a spokesman for Pan. "We view this as extremely dangerous, because there's a real chance of our customers discovering that even an overdose of our products is completely ineffective." |
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Thursday, 08 May 2003 |
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[Edition 73] Police found the former tyrant crouching inside a cupboard during a dawn raid on the Rockhampton house yesterday. It's understood Saddam has been living with the man, believed to be his boyfriend, ever his disappearance several weeks ago. |
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Thursday, 08 May 2003 |
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[Edition 73] "They'd been telling us there were only 1.2 billion of them", said a shocked United Nations official. "But when they started to tell the truth about the SARS figures, we realised either 80% of Chinese people have grim reaper's cough, or there's just a hell of a lot more of them than we thought." |
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Sunday, 04 May 2003 |
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[Edition 72] The Pentagon expects shooting on Gulf War 3 will begin just as soon as they've finished shooting the few remaining civilians in Gulf War 2. |
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Tuesday, 29 April 2003 |
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[Edition 72] The closure of a local deli and opening of yet another 7-11 has caused a local shopper to doubt the convenience of convenience stores. The annoyed shopper now has to travel to a specialty store more than a suburb away if she wants to buy pretentious delicacies and overpriced meats. |
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Monday, 28 April 2003 |
[Edition 71] "There's a lot of audience participation in our show," Read said. "We always particularly enjoy the part where we get the audience to hand over all their money or we put their boots up their own asses."
"And of course, there's no shortage of punch lines." |
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Monday, 28 April 2003 |
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[Edition 71] The radical decision breaks the magazine's run of 172 consecutive editions featuring Kidman on its cover, dating back to before the Australian actress' marriage to Tom Cruise |
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Monday, 28 April 2003 |
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[Edition 72] The popular American actor Steve Guttenberg was yesterday caught looking up the internet for sites about himself. The former star of the Police Academy movies, who hasn't had a box office hit for years, reportedly looked embarrassed when his cleaner found him typing his name into a Google search engine. |
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