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Thursday, 24 April 2003 |
[Edition 72] The multinational café conglomerate has vowed to bring delicious Frappucinos and caffeinated beverages to the long-suffering people of Iraq.
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Thursday, 24 April 2003 |
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[Edition 72] The International Monetary Fund (IMF) has agreed to monitor the Iraqi economy to ensure that the reintroduction of looting into the economy conforms with free-market theory. |
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Thursday, 24 April 2003 |
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[Edition 72] "They really are the 'must-have' accessory this summer," said influential fashion editor Wendy Yu. "It's important for today's modern woman to resist fatal infection without compromising on good looks and style." |
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Thursday, 24 April 2003 |
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[Edition 72] "My children's safety demands I drive an all-terrain, heavily armoured vehicle," said one North Shore mother, Edwina Williams. "That way, even in a head-on collision where I'm at fault, they'll be perfectly snug and secure." |
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Friday, 21 March 2003 |
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[Edition 70] COFFS HARBOUR, Monday: Hundreds of close family and friends attending next month's exclusive wedding celebration for Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer have been advised to wear protective headgear to the occasion. |
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Friday, 21 March 2003 |
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[Edition 70] MELBOURNE: A local barmaid has called for a host of cocktails, including such as Hard Ons, Sex on the Beach and Orgasms, to be renamed in order to accommodate her wholesome Christian beliefs. |
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Wednesday, 19 March 2003 |
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[Edition 69] ADELAIDE, Wednesday: There were shake-ups in the busking industry this week after acoustic guitar player Jimmy Wilson, based in Rundle Mall, introduced a 'No Repeat Workday'. |
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Sunday, 16 March 2003 |
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[Edition 68] SYDNEY, Thursday: Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year. The result means that, in line with long-established industry policy of only rewarding failure, Corbett and his board are unlikely to receive any financial incentives this year. |
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Monday, 24 February 2003 |
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[Edition 68] SILICON VALLEY, Tuesday: Microsoft engineers have announced a breakthrough which allows computers to recognise a useful 40% of words spoken. |
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Wednesday, 19 February 2003 |
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[Edition 67] Prime Minister John Howard today took the unusual step of "pre-deploying" Australian troops to the next US space mission. Howard made the announcement after he discovered that space travel could be an even more efficient way of sacrificing Australian lives to advance American interests than war. |
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Wednesday, 19 February 2003 |
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[Edition 67] Prime Minister Sharon promised that the attacks would continue until Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat took effective steps to stop faulty workmanship at NASA. "If Arafat is not willing to publicly condemn overheating spaceships killing Israeli citizens then we will continue to attack," Mr Sharon said. |
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Wednesday, 19 February 2003 |
[Edition 67] "Defence has spent billions and couldn't even bring down a missile," President Bush said from Camp David. "NASA's efforts to bring down an entire space shuttle are far more impressive."
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Wednesday, 19 February 2003 |
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[Edition 67] The aging Pontiff spoke enthusiastically about the possibilities of the new plan. "We need to make children bumbling social lepers who do their clothes shopping at Target and K-Mart, play Dungeons and Dragons, and dob in their neighbours for watering between 8am and 8pm," said the aging Pontiff. "We should be encouraging anything that makes them less attractive." |
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Wednesday, 22 January 2003 |
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[Edition 66] Townshend defended the purchase saying it was for research purposes. "I'm researching exactly how may naked photos of children you can fit on a 80 gig hard drive," he said. |
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Wednesday, 22 January 2003 |
[Edition 66] SUVA, Sunday: Thousands of would-be agitators have been disappointed by poor turnouts for Fiji's annual Festival of Coups after a vicious cyclone ravaged the tiny archipelago.
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Wednesday, 22 January 2003 |
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[Edition 66] Searching for love beyond the blonde, beautiful, slim, young, upwardly-mobile, well-travelled and adoring demographic will increase the Ryde claims administrator's chance of forming a successful partnership by up to 99.93%, the Macquarie University study found. |
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Wednesday, 22 January 2003 |
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[Edition 66] The CIA will offer recruits extensive training and millions of dollars worth of high-tech weapons systems in return for a promise to develop their organisation into a full-blown terrorist organisation capable of attacking the United States in the agreed year 2014. |
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Monday, 23 December 2002 |
[Edition 65] "The UN Security Council was very clear in its instructions to the Iraqis," announced Bush. "The report was to be printed on A4 paper NOT foolscap. Now we have to enforce the UN's provisions with devastating force."
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Friday, 20 December 2002 |
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[Edition 65] "Extras has been knocking on the door for some time now," announced Chairman of Selectors David Graveney. "It's topscored for us eighteen innings in a row and you simply can't ignore that consistency of performance. Besides it's the only name likely to remain in our lineup past the summer." |
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Friday, 20 December 2002 |
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[Edition 65] "I'm a great proponent of 'Asian values', in particular the denial of civil liberties", Dr Mahathir said yesterday. "And I'm pleased to see that finally, after all our criticism, the Australian government has finally adopted my kind of Asian values, such as subjecting innocent people to long periods of detention and denying their human rights." |
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