Danish tourist Nikolaj Neilsen, who has been lost in the Snowy Mountains for seven days, is already imagining a successful and profitable publishing career once he is rescued. The 23-year-old fell 35 metres when a rope snapped, causing him serious injury. "I've been keeping a video diary," he said, sheltering under an icy overhang. "I plan to use it as a reference when I recount my harrowing experience in a gripping tale of tenacity and survival for a major publisher."

Critics have slammed an SMS sent by account executive Morgan Teuber to a group of his friends, claiming the tone of his brief communication is unclear. The text message, which stated a desire "2 C TRANSFORMERS ITLL B COOL", has divided recipients, who are unable to reach consensus on whether Teuber was serious, joking or something else entirely.

The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award their first award for effort, rather than excellence. Stung by criticisms that the body was elitist, the Academy has announced a new 'Most Improved' Category, for those trying hard in their given field.

Celebrity footballer Wayne Freehold reaffirmed his commitment to charitable causes yesterday, when he agreed to make an appearance for disabled children's charity Bright Futures, or as he calls it "that fucking thing with the kids". The announcement was made in a late-night cell-phone call with his agent, Michael Liebowitz, who laughingly declared the footballer "a bloody humanitarian."

After gathering dust on a rumpus room bookshelf for more than seven years, a faded copy of Tae Bo Gold has been consigned to the dump during a moment of self-awareness on the part of its owner, accounts payable clerk Teri Rosewater. "Every other time I've cleaned that room, I've told myself I'll get back into Tae Bo one day," she said. "This time, I had to face the facts. After all, we don't even own a VCR anymore."

Visitors to Wollongong's Moulin Bleu gentleman's club have confessed to being disappointed by the ambience and décor of the venue, having been led to believe the place catered to a more sophisticated clientele. "The posters out the front conjured up images of tasteful European erotica and ribald burlesquery," said patron Oliver Barron. "They didn't say anything about the tacky modern art prints or cheap carpet that's obviously designed to hide vomit stains."

A concert-goer has tried and failed to single-handedly rouse his fellow audience members to a standing ovation. At the conclusion of an Australian Chamber Orchestra performance of Saint-Saëns' Septet in E flat major, Richard Worthstone, 57 of Neutral Bay, stood erect and clapped for a solid minute before turning, seeing no-one else performing the same action, and finally resuming his seat.

Popular mystery writer Jessica Fletcher has been charged with 689 homicides previously declared solved. Police say Fletcher concocted an image as a harmless busybody and amateur sleuth as a means of avoiding suspicion, allowing to kill her victims with means varying from a marble bust toppled from a roof-top to a rigged stunt man's gun. She avoided detection for many years before prosecutors uncovered statistics showing Fletcher on or near the scene of hundreds of different homicides.

Convenience store duty manager Russell Celine spends most of his 6pm-4am shifts serving truck drivers, drunk uni students and late-night porn buyers, but there is one highlight in his ten hours of drudgery – imagining what kind of sexual debauchery regular condom buyer Steve Tintoski gets up to. Although Celine has never actually seen Tintoski accompanied by a woman, he often fantasises about the "raw, animal carnality that guy must have inside him".

Although her weekdays are spent educating Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy, English teacher Sharne Mitchell, 48, has a deeper passion – her magnum opus on the turbulent inner life of a late-40s woman who educates Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy.

When Special Agent Olivia Martinez started a sting operation to catch online sex predator Karl Bute Jnr, she thought it would be a routine assignment. She never suspected that the man she was entrapping would end up entrapping her heart.

A relationship quiz entitled Is He The One? that appeared in a recent issue of Cleo has led Sydney woman Jane Kurkova to break off her engagement with truck driver Miles Daly. Kurkova was "shocked and heartbroken" when her fiancée scored a mere four out of twenty, putting him firmly in the "Dump this frickin' loser already" category.