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General
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Thursday, 30 August 2007 |
According to millions of overweight, socially awkward
players worldwide, life on Earth cannot hope to compete with a virtual
existence comprised of heroic adventure, powerful magic and sexy maidens in
need of rescue from dragons. For many, attaining level 70 in World Of
Warcraft is a far more worthy achievement than anything they could hope to
accomplish outside the game.
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Sunday, 26 August 2007 |
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Danish tourist Nikolaj Neilsen, who has been lost in the Snowy
Mountains for seven days, is already
imagining a successful and profitable publishing career once he is rescued. The
23-year-old fell 35 metres when a rope snapped, causing him serious injury.
"I've been keeping a video diary," he said, sheltering under an icy overhang. "I
plan to use it as a reference when I recount my harrowing experience in a gripping
tale of tenacity and survival for a major publisher."
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Friday, 20 July 2007 |
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Critics have slammed an SMS sent by account executive Morgan
Teuber to a group of his friends, claiming the tone of his brief communication
is unclear. The text message, which stated a desire "2 C TRANSFORMERS ITLL B
COOL", has divided recipients, who are unable to reach consensus on whether
Teuber was serious, joking or something else entirely.
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Thursday, 12 July 2007 |
Whether he's informing
his wife she's a "big, fat dynamo" or telling his co-workers "don't have a cow, man", Brisbane
removalist Gareth Schreiber takes all his conversational cues from The Simpsons. The 32-year-old, who has
been watching the long-running TV show since it began, is able to apply his encyclopaedic knowledge of the program to any circumstance, be it a deceptively painful injury or a
discussion on the relative cowardice of the French.
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Friday, 15 June 2007 |
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The Royal Swedish
Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of
tradition to award their first award for effort, rather than
excellence. Stung by criticisms that the body was elitist, the
Academy has announced a new 'Most Improved' Category, for those
trying hard in their given field.
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Friday, 15 June 2007 |
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Celebrity
footballer Wayne Freehold reaffirmed his commitment to charitable
causes yesterday, when he agreed to make an appearance for disabled
children's charity Bright Futures, or as he calls it "that fucking
thing with the kids". The announcement was made in a late-night
cell-phone call with his agent, Michael Liebowitz, who laughingly
declared the footballer "a bloody humanitarian."
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Thursday, 14 June 2007 |
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After gathering dust on a rumpus room bookshelf for more
than seven years, a faded copy of Tae Bo Gold has been consigned to the dump
during a moment of self-awareness on the part of its owner, accounts payable
clerk Teri Rosewater. "Every other time I've cleaned that room, I've told
myself I'll get back into Tae Bo one day," she said. "This time, I had to face
the facts. After all, we don't even own a VCR anymore."
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Monday, 04 June 2007 |
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Visitors to Wollongong's
Moulin Bleu gentleman's club have confessed to being disappointed by the ambience
and décor of the venue, having been led to believe the place catered to a more sophisticated
clientele. "The posters out the front conjured up images of tasteful European erotica
and ribald burlesquery," said patron Oliver Barron. "They didn't say anything
about the tacky modern art prints or cheap carpet that's obviously designed to
hide vomit stains."
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Thursday, 31 May 2007 |
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A
concert-goer has tried and failed to single-handedly rouse his fellow
audience members to a standing ovation. At the conclusion of an
Australian Chamber Orchestra performance of Saint-Saëns'
Septet in E flat major, Richard Worthstone, 57 of Neutral Bay, stood
erect and clapped for a solid minute before turning, seeing no-one
else performing the same action, and finally resuming his seat.
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Wednesday, 30 May 2007 |
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Popular mystery writer Jessica Fletcher
has been charged with 689 homicides previously declared solved.
Police say Fletcher concocted an
image as a harmless busybody and amateur sleuth as a means of
avoiding suspicion, allowing to kill her victims with means varying from a marble bust toppled from a roof-top to a rigged stunt
man's gun. She avoided detection for many years before prosecutors
uncovered statistics showing Fletcher on or near the scene of
hundreds of different homicides.
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Thursday, 17 May 2007 |
NCIS fan and regular
visitor to the Suicide Girls website Gary Bullock has admitted he only joined
revolutionary political group Socialist Alliance on the chance that he "would meet some hot goth babes". Bullock, who cares nothing about the exchange
of blood for oil and rides a Ducati motorbike, nevertheless agreed to sell
copies of Green Left Weekly in a local mall "as long as that chick with
the dreadlocks and neck tattoo shows me the ropes".
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Thursday, 10 May 2007 |
New MySpace user Emily Lee, 14, says she feels neglected by her new
friend, the company's CEO Tom Anderson. Lee was delighted when
she first signed up for the site, and found she already had him listed
as a friend, and had even received a message from the man she describes
as a "really cool guy". But now she is beginning to doubt that Tom looked at her profile at all, "if that is even his real name".
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Thursday, 10 May 2007 |
The UN Security
Council has admitted it is in clear breach of its own 2007 New Year's
Resolution. SC Resolution #1738, which stated council members would "Join
the gym - and this time really stick with it" was struck in a
mood of optimism at the first meeting of the year. However, it waned
through March and April, and has now "floundered completely", as a
spokesman put it.
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Thursday, 10 May 2007 |
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Convenience store duty manager Russell Celine spends most of his 6pm-4am
shifts serving truck drivers, drunk uni students and late-night porn buyers,
but there is one highlight in his ten hours of drudgery – imagining what kind of
sexual debauchery regular condom buyer Steve Tintoski gets up to.
Although Celine has never actually seen Tintoski accompanied by a woman, he often fantasises about
the "raw, animal carnality that guy must have inside him".
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Thursday, 03 May 2007 |
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Although her weekdays are spent educating Wollongong
students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy,
English teacher Sharne Mitchell, 48, has a deeper passion – her magnum opus on
the turbulent inner life of a late-40s woman who educates Wollongong students on
the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy.
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Tuesday, 10 April 2007 |
A suburban engagement party was rescued at the eleventh hour
this week, thanks to the quick thinking of a plucky DJ. Despite the open bar
and extensive buffet, attendees refused to mingle, drink too much or properly
celebrate the upcoming union of the guests of honour. The crisis was only averted by the narrowest of margins after the DJ finally succeeded in breaking the ice with Tina Turner's 1973
hit 'Nutbush City Limits'.
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Thursday, 05 April 2007 |
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When
Special Agent Olivia Martinez started a sting operation to catch
online sex predator Karl Bute Jnr, she thought it would be a routine
assignment. She never suspected that the man she was entrapping would
end up entrapping her heart.
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Tuesday, 27 February 2007 |
Almost four years into her 100,000 word PhD in Visual
Communications, Janet Wasserman is beginning to sincerely regret her
chosen area of inquiry. Her still incomplete thesis, entitled The
perverse in the Buffyverse: RE:reading Performative Gender Roles
and their subversion in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, has become
something of an embarrassment to her.
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Wednesday, 21 February 2007 |
Jacob Rosicky's
well-meaning father has imparted to him an intense dislike for all
forms of recreational angling, as well as a general antipathy for
what Jacob calls "the not-so-great outdoors". Now 31, the
chartered accountant need only think of fishing to bring back clear
memories of freezing, pre-dawn mornings spent fiddling with a tangle.
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Wednesday, 24 January 2007 |
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A relationship quiz
entitled Is He The One? that appeared in a recent issue of
Cleo has led Sydney woman Jane Kurkova to break off her
engagement with truck driver Miles Daly. Kurkova was "shocked and
heartbroken" when her fiancée scored a mere four out of twenty,
putting him firmly in the "Dump this frickin' loser already"
category.
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