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Friday, 03 June 2005 |
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European voters have united to stall European unification. National referendums in both France and the Netherlands were rejected, with other nations set to assert their national independence by imitating their neighbours. |
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Friday, 03 June 2005 |
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Sexually frustrated teenager Chad McGowan has vowed to keep the hunt alive on the internet, using his finely-honed skills as a porn sleuth to uncover the full truth about the famous anonymous source, or at least some footage of blowjobs. |
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Friday, 03 June 2005 |
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Broadcaster Derryn Hinch has weighed into the controversy surrounding the mailing of a suspected biological agent to the Indonesian Embassy. Hinch cited "telltale black marks" which proved it was HIV-positive, or at the very least had been postmarked. |
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Friday, 03 June 2005 |
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Network executives have confirmed that whether or not the worm convicts her, she will be required to serve a lengthy, exclusive sentence on A Current Affair. |
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Friday, 20 May 2005 |
Fourteen weeks after its conception, Lleyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright's embryo is already more mature than its father. The embryo was found to respect the umpire's rulings, be capable of losing gracefully and to not understand what's so special about Rocky.
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Friday, 20 May 2005 |
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Earlier in the week Gregan acknowledged that he and other Wallabies took No-Doz before test matches against England. "Given the way the Poms play, it's the only way to stay awake," he said. |
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Friday, 20 May 2005 |
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The judging panel hailed the film as a timely warning that what begins as democracy may end up an intergalactic empire that attacks peace-loving Ewoks with lasers. "The parallels between our current President and a diabolical man-robot who chokes people with the power of his mind are eerie," one juror said. |
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Friday, 20 May 2005 |
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Hot on the heels of big sister Kylie Minogue's diagnosis of breast cancer, little sister Dannii has released her own artificial form of breast cancer upon a largely uninterested public. While Dannii's breast tumour is far larger than Kylie's, rumours are rife that it may be entirely made of silicone. |
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Friday, 20 May 2005 |
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The Nine Network has devised an even dodgier method of trying Schapelle Corby than the Indonesian legal system. The broadcast, funded by a shady, self-promoting Sydney businessman, meant that Corby had to endure a second show trial alongside the one currently taking place in Bali. |
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Wednesday, 18 May 2005 |
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"Many working families today are having trouble surviving on only one bloated income, worrying about putting their kids through elite private schools while at the same time asking themselves whether they can afford that fourth investment property." Howard said. "Now they can." |
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Tuesday, 17 May 2005 |
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The National Union of Students has mapped out a plan to achieve the reform, starting with the compulsory attendance of all rallies by Tim Freedman, Wil Anderson and Frenzal Rhomb. |
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Tuesday, 17 May 2005 |
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"The other day I was waiting for a suitcase from Bali loaded with cocaine, and I discovered it had accidentally been sent to Belgrade," one disgruntled baggage handler said. "And I couldn't even claim it on travel insurance." |
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Tuesday, 10 May 2005 |
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In accordance with his last wishes, former Queensland Premier Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen has been buried at his family's property, inside a large brown envelope held together by rubber bands. |
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Tuesday, 10 May 2005 |
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If this year’s Mercedes Australian Fashion Week is any guide, wafer-thin adolescents with see-through tops, tiny diaphanous panties and protuberant nipples are among the items we can expect to see on the streets this season. |
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Tuesday, 10 May 2005 |
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Investigators say that the cremation of Mr Rivkin has led to a massive windfall gain for the former stock broker’s business associates, who stand to receive a $53million payout even though Mr Rivkin’s life was practically worthless in its final days |
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Tuesday, 10 May 2005 |
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It is understood that Cornelia Rau ended up in the house after she experienced one of her infamous delusional bouts at a Big Brother audition, temporarily believing she was an obnoxious exhibitionist who possessed no discernable class or intelligence. |
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Tuesday, 03 May 2005 |
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Mr Kiernan intends to land boatloads of Australian volunteers at Anzac Cove before dawn next April 25 and to lead rubbish-collectors in a rolling series of "emu parades" from the shoreline all the way up to the treacherous hills at Gallipoli. |
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Tuesday, 03 May 2005 |
"Was there a blackout during 'Blue Heelers'? I hadn't noticed," one Seven viewer said. "But now that you mention it, it did seem a quieter day than usual at Mt Thomas. And a better acted one."
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Tuesday, 03 May 2005 |
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"It's hard to stand out from the pack when you're one of sixteen guys with the same name," the Holy Father said. "Centuries from now no-one will even remember which Benedict I was. Jesus never had this problem." |
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Saturday, 26 February 2005 |
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Members of the Royal Family have reacted to the Queen's decision not to attend the Charles/Camilla wedding, primarily with envy. "Her Majesty will be unable to attend the ceremony due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict," a spokesman said. "Her attendance would conflict with her strong desire to snub Camilla." |
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