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PhD student warns readers that doctoral thesis abstract contains spoilers
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The man who escaped from Long Bay prison by losing weight and squeezing out of his cell has become the subject of a nation-wide manhunt by magazine editors looking for new dieting tips. While police appealed to Robert Cole to give himself up, the editor of Cosmopolitan appealed to the escapee to give up the secrets of how he managed to lose 14 kilograms in 4 weeks. 
Prime Minister Howard has marked the end of the Asia Pacific Climate Summit by pledging $100 million to prevent his brother Stan from chopping down endangered trees on his Bowral property. The funds, which will be paid to Stan Howard in cash, will be the first significant measure the government has ever tried to reduce climate change. 
Media mogul Kerry Packer’s corpse has been called before a Senate committee, following claims that he may have engaged in illicit life minimisation activities. It is believed that Packer could be exploiting a tax loophole that allows him to pay as little as zero cents in the dollar taxation, simply by experiencing fatal kidney failure. However, Packer’s cadaver has defended itself, saying it’s paying no less tax than it did when he was alive, and acting considerably more in the public’s interest.
British tourist Peter Falconio emerged from hiding today to applaud the conviction of Bradley Murdoch for murdering him. Falconio said he agreed with the jury’s verdict that Murdoch was guilty, even though a body had never been found. “The end of the trial is a great personal relief. Now I can get on with my life,” Falconio said, flanked by his new wife Cathleen. “I just hope that one day Bradley Murdoch will reveal where he buried my body, so that my family and Joanne can have some closure.” 
Family First Senator Steve Fielding has given the Government the final vote it needed to pass its controversial voluntary student unionism legislation. “Some have argued that I should have supported the bill because unions fund welfare services such as counselling and childcare centres,” Fielding said. “But why would you need childcare when you’ve got a wife to stay at home and mind the kids?” he asked. “Those are the kinds of families we’re putting first.” 
