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Fake log fire blamed for causing fake house fire
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The Singaporean government has resigned itself to receiving futile condemnation from trendy, Australian left-wingers for at least one news cycle, following its execution of Australian drug trafficker Nguyen Tuong Van. The Singaporean Foreign Minister has warned citizens they will be the subject of lengthy dinner party critiques, motions of censure from university student councils and as many as a hundred Letters to the Editor from across Australia. 
The Government has welcomed the imminent passage of its WorkChoices legislation by reminding the public that despite the ACTU hysteria, the new industrial relations legislation is all about increasing choice for workers. “For example, employees will still be allowed to choose to strike under the new regime,” Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrew said. “Just as they’ll be allowed to choose what job to apply for after they’re sacked for striking.” 
Singapore has refused Nguyen Tuong Van’s request for chewing gum as his last meal, saying that to grant the condemned man’s wish could harm Singapore’s international reputation as a brutal but litter-free nation. “We’re more likely to give him clemency than the chance to litter,” said the superintendent of Changi prison Gong Chok Lee. “Besides, chewing gum is most uncivilised, even on death row.”
Year 12 students have once again descended on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, the annual festival where school leavers from across Australia come together to relax in the sun, binge drink and get raped. Nicole Withers, 17, of Pymble NSW, is a typical schoolie looking to wind down after a tough year of studying. "I really needed to relax after all that massive pressure to do well in my exams," she said. "So I came to a place where there's massive pressure to drink so much that you need to have your stomach pumped. It's pretty cool." 
A strong week in the polls for the ALP has shown that if a federal election was held today, the polls would be completely wrong. The polls indicate that Labor enjoys a 54% two-party preferred vote, meaning they could be wrong by as much as 20% - or even 30% if Mark Latham made a comeback. 
