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'Star Wars' fans now more despised than Trekkies
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The African nation of Namibia has welcomed the birth of
Angelina Jolie's baby, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, who will briefly double the
country's GDP. Pictures of the child are expected to be worth more than the
country's scam email and civil war industries combined. The proud parents say they
were attracted to the country's beautiful scenery, rich history of tribal
conflict and recently ratified death sentence for paparazzi photography.
Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney is expected to pay the biggest divorce
settlement in British history after his split with Heather Mills, and
may have to mount another series of Live 8 concerts to cover the ₤200
million bill. Lawyers expect both parties to battle hard for control of
valuable homes, cars and intellectual property, with only the Wings
back-catalogue going uncontested. Sir Paul has also hinted that Yoko
Ono might share some of the blame for the break-up.
Music fans have gathered worldwide to celebrate the happy news of a
medically enforced hiatus in Britney Spears's singing career. In scenes
reminiscent of New Years Eve partying, crowds gathered around the
star's home to congratulate her on the surprise second pregnancy,
holding signs reading "It's a miracle!", and "Next time it's twins".
In response to their advocacy of the Scientologist belief that
mothers should remain silent during birth, the public have universally
encouraged new parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to remain silent
after it as well. "I would have thought Tom should be worrying
less about staying silent during the birth, and more during his next
appearance on Oprah," one child development expert said. "The main risk
that's going to harm this child is embarrassment."
Television legend Bert Newton's unseemly descent into mediocrity has led to calls for him to be allowed to prematurely his life and career with dignity. "It simply isn't right," said euthanasia advocate Jane Fitzgerald. "After a glorious career, he wouldn't want to be remembered this way."
