Ripping the lid off pies, and revealing the secret fave flavours of the stars. When the question on everybody's lips is "What's George Clooney's preferred pie?", Hansen has the answers.

Well I say BAH, what a WASTE of your VALUABLE TIME!“Condensed,” my pudgy ARSE! Reader’s Digest’s so-called “condensed” books are still PAGES and PAGES long!!!

They’re about as “condensed” as sweetened “condensed” milk! Only less “condensed”! Even the WORD “condensed” is far too long for a busy executive such as yourself! As a true lover of brutally shortened literature, what YOU need is a Very, Very, Very Condensed Book from Chaser Quality Library™.

Apparently he's already had it up to the bleedin' eyeballs with writing Hansen Online, after doing only one column. So Bob's your uncle, he asked me along to take over!

No doubt you've seen some not-so-pukka impersonations of me on a whole heap of comedy shows on the telly, portraying me as some sort of cute hokey gnome spouting out stereotypical British patter and all manner of malarkey. All I can say is, criminy, I ain't nothing like that in the flesh, guv! So it's great Andy's given me the chance to just be myself in his wonderful column. It ain't half hot mum!