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Maverick cop's gut instinct completely wrong
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Starbucks Coffee has shut down most of its Australian stores and made
their staff redundant, a move that was widely expected after a spate of
closures in the US. The move came after the company’s sales figures
confirmed market research predictions that Australian consumers were
unwilling to pay $5 for a cup of hot milk.
Married investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm
Penfold has declared himself "completely flummoxed" by recent sartorial trends. As
male and female clothing options increasingly resemble one another, the bearded 54-year-old
has found himself alienated on both fronts. "Jesus Christ," he wrote on an
anonymous internet forum. "I swear I saw a line of fluoro kilts for sale the
other day. Where am I supposed to wear them? In public, or in the shameful privacy
of my own bathroom while the missus is asleep?"
Newcastle-based programmer
Alan Ko has mentally laid out a financial plan of action which he intends to
undertake should he win next week's jackpot Lotto. While the 31-year-old has
earmarked some of the prize pool for paying off debts and helping various
charities, the majority of his make-believe winnings will be spent on his
equally make-believe girlfriend - a gorgeous lingerie model with Eastern
European features and a sexy accent.
Clinically
depressed entreprenuer Joseph de Rossi, 27, has embarked upon a six-month
whirlwind tour of the world’s major cities, in search of the perfect place to
end his unbearable existence. The insurance salesman, who already committed career
suicide by sleeping with his boss’s wife, says he wants to do something
different with his life as he ends it. “I’m not the kind of guy to build a shoddy,
makeshift noose in my loungeroom," he explained. "I want my death to be as unique as my misery."
The unspoken rules of ATM behaviour were blithely
disregarded yesterday, as public relations consultant Jerri Cuthbert, 23,
withdrew a total of $210 from various bank accounts during what onlookers
described as "a complete disregard for her fellow man". "I don't know how she
was raised," said disgruntled queuer Nick Mendes. "But I was always taught not
to waste everyone's lunch hour with on-screen account balances."
The federal government's $53 million anti-bingeing campaign
has had an inspirational effect on teenagers, psyching them up to get together
and drink large quantities of alcohol. Year 10 student Wayne Greer has spoken
on behalf of his peers: "Flickering lights, wasted chicks everywhere and a
punch-up on the street – if tonight is half as messy as that ad, I'll be
stoked."
More than 5000 men and three women, clutching dog-eared
rulebooks and dice, have gathered outside Dungeons & Dragons creator
Gary Gygax's Wisconsin home this
week, after learning the American game designer had died at the age of 69.
Although official reports have blamed a heart attack, archmage Mordenkainen is
claiming responsibility and demanding experience points for the kill.
Self-described "social commentator with a camera and a palette" Xavier Bullock was furious beyond measure at a glowing review of his recent exhibition, Sunrise Splatters, which featured in The Age. Despite being generally old-fashioned and preferring classical painting, critic Bill Rutherfoord found the work "a real eye-opener".
Frustrated film buffs have reported that recent advances in laser
technology have had no discernible impact on the quality of 2003's Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy Gigli. "Those Blu-Ray ads led me to
believe anything I watched would include samurai warriors and awesome blue beams
of light, not appalling dialogue and tacked-on romantic subplots," complained PS3 owner Ian Murphy. "If anything, Gigli sucks even more in high definition."
Bowing to pressure from fellow Republicans, conservative media pundits
and his numerous spouses, devout Mormon Mitt Romney announced he was no
longer contesting the presidency. “If I’d stayed in, I'd have made it
easier for Senator Clinton or Barack Obama to win. And in this time of
war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to
terror,” he said. “Also, my third wife is trying for another child, and
I really need to be around the compound when she's ovulating.”
