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Unemployed metalworker seeks riveting job
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After learning of an Al Qaeda plot to kill the Australian cricket team
during last year's Ashes series, many former and fringe Test players
have come forward to offer their willingness to step in if something
untoward were to happen. Former Test batsman Darren Lehmann said he
would have been willing to play in England if the selectors'
first-choice team had been murdered. "If Australia doesn't field a
team, then the terrorists win," he said. "That's almost as bad as
England winning."
With fair-weather
conditions expected for the Grand Final, Sydney will again be awash
with mint-condition guernseys, as the city rechristens the Swans "we"
for 48 hours. Beer gardens more accustomed to the clink of cocktail
glasses and the mild groove of chill-out compilations will soon
resound with cries of "ball", shouted half-a-second behind the
crowd at the ground.
Kim Beazley has
demanded that migrants and visitors coming into Australia pledge
their support for mateship, hard work, and other words that have
tested well with focus groups. "It's vital that those coming to
Australia understand the concepts of equality, respect and a fair
go," said the Opposition Leader. "Then once they've gained
political office they can trade them for incompetence, cynicism and
expediency."
The West Papuan tribe at the centre of
the Naomi Robson controversy has clarified that even though Naomi
Robson was clearly possessed by malign spirits, they were not be
willing to eat her. "Even if we did still eat humans, we don't
like the taste of bile," an elder said.
Iconoclastic
feminist Germaine Greer has struggled to arrive at a contrarian
position on the death of Peter Brock, having prematurely exhausted
her anti-ocker arguments on Steve Irwin. It took Greer several
attempts to create a tenuous link between Brock's death and a social
issue of some import. "Motor 'sport'
is of course not a sport at all, and Peter Brock was not a
sportsman," wrote the permanently disgruntled feminist icon, in a
draft version of an opinion piece for the UK's Guardian newspaper.
Health Minister
Tony Abbott has weighed into the therapeutic cloning debate again,
attacking the scientific evidence underpinning it as pushing a
"science agenda.""I fear the
creation of half-man, half-human monsters," said the Health
Minister, in a statement that critics described as half bull. He also
expressed fears about how such embryos could be ethically disposed
of, and suggested a mob of peasants with torches and pitchforks
should be kept on standby for such an eventuality.
John Mark Karr, who admitted to the
murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has also confessed to his involvement in
the string of infamous murders that terrified London in 1888. "The
mystery can finally be solved - I am Jack the Ripper," said Karr.
"And also the Boston Strangler." While Karr's former wife has
presented an alibi that puts him outside Whitechapel in the late
nineteenth century, the chief suspect is adamant, saying that he is
not a publicity seeker. "The media should not treat this
frivolously," he said. "After all, my assassination of Archduke
Ferdinand started the First World War."
Democrats Senator Natasha Stott Despoja will co-sponsor a private
member's bill supporting therapeutic cloning in a desperate attempt to
revive the Australian Democrats. The bill will allow the party to clone
its few remaining voters to stave off total extinction at the next
election. Stott Despoja fears that unless the cloning
succeeds, the Democrats may be wiped out by its naturalist
predators, the Greens.
Pop-opera supergroup Il Divo has been forced to cancel its world tour
after the foiled terrorist plot in Britain led to bans on liquids such
as hair gel into hand-luggage. "Without inflight access to personal
grooming products, our hairstyles will suffer, undoing all
our years of hard work," Swiss tenor Urs Bühler said. "Il Divo simply
cannot perform under these conditions." "Imagine if an adoring fan travelling on the same flight saw one of us
with a hair out of place," he added. "Mein Gott, I'd rather be blown
up."
Despite reports he is more interested in pizza than
swimming, Ian Thorpe has vowed to compete in the Beijing Olympics, across more
than one lane if necessary. But there are fears the out-of-condition Thorpe
could fall foul of the sport's strict "no bombing" rule. The star's
management has reportedly already raised the matter with the IOC, requesting that
Olympic swimming introduce weight divisions, and lift the ban on wearing hydro-dynamic
girdles in the pool.
After a series dogged by controversy, Big Brother has been won by Jamie Brooksby, a 23 year-old who
sexually harassed only himself for the course of the program. The last man
standing from a group of diverse housemates drawn from different promotional
modelling agencies, Brooksby won the heart of Australia by combining the hair of
David Beckham with the poetry of Russell Crowe.
