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Media celebrates 100,000th article about Tom Cruise entitled 'Cruise Control'
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New MySpace user Emily Lee, 14, says she feels neglected by her new
friend, the company's CEO Tom Anderson. Lee was delighted when
she first signed up for the site, and found she already had him listed
as a friend, and had even received a message from the man she describes
as a "really cool guy". But now she is beginning to doubt that Tom looked at her profile at all, "if that is even his real name".
The UN Security
Council has admitted it is in clear breach of its own 2007 New Year's
Resolution. SC Resolution #1738, which stated council members would "Join
the gym - and this time really stick with it" was struck in a
mood of optimism at the first meeting of the year. However, it waned
through March and April, and has now "floundered completely", as a
spokesman put it. 
Convenience store duty manager Russell Celine spends most of his 6pm-4am
shifts serving truck drivers, drunk uni students and late-night porn buyers,
but there is one highlight in his ten hours of drudgery – imagining what kind of
sexual debauchery regular condom buyer Steve Tintoski gets up to.
Although Celine has never actually seen Tintoski accompanied by a woman, he often fantasises about
the "raw, animal carnality that guy must have inside him".
In what may be his biggest victory yet, Opposition Leader
Kevin Rudd has unilaterally disarmed formerly outspoken anti-nuclear activist
Peter Garrett. The Shadow Minister For Climate Change, Environment & Heritage,
Arts had his anti-uranium core removed and deactivated by the new leader in a delicate
operation that took place hours before the Labor national conference.
Boris Yeltsin died this week after winning a protracted battle with
communism, and losing a protracted battle with alcoholism. The former
Russian President was best known for defying the coup plotters who
attempted to depose Mikhail Gorbachev when he bravely climbed on top of
a tank to see where the nearest bar was.
Although her weekdays are spent educating Wollongong
students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy,
English teacher Sharne Mitchell, 48, has a deeper passion – her magnum opus on
the turbulent inner life of a late-40s woman who educates Wollongong students on
the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy.
Kevin Rudd has
again come under fire after plans for a fake memorial for the victims
of the Virginia Tech massacre became public. "I knew nothing about
a plan for a fake service for the Sunrise
show," Rudd said this morning. "I thought it was for a
60 Minutes colour
piece."
Although the pair have no immediate intentions to quit
churning out episode after episode of catchphrase-based comedy, Little
Britain creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams have annouced that even they
have grown weary of the show's repetitious, endlessly quoted toilet humour. "It's a dilemma, because we're sick to death of it, but it's just so lucrative," Lucas said. "The BBC keeps asking us to do more, and we say yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. But then they wave even more money at us, and we say yeah."
Prince William has dumped his middle-class
girlfriend Kate Middleton, saying she won’t make a suitable
royal wife. “Kate was lovely, but ultimately we are from
different social circles,” William said. “If I’m
going to settle down, I need to find a suitable mother for my
children. And, at the same time, a long-lost cousin.”
After 27 heroic years of dedicated public service, Zimbabwean president
Robert Mugabe is facing the prospect of early retirement at the hands
of ill health and/or an angry opposition. "Even our rigged opinion polls
show he is lagging in popularity," said ZANU-PF minister Nhamodzenyika
Gallup.
Fresh from his
work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian
Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to
design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new
range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal"
branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any
other situation where people need their performance enhanced."
