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Curriculum vitae rejigged to suit specific job
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Geriatric rockstar Keith Richards has hit out at the media this month, claiming he was joking when he told British music mag NME
he had snorted his dad Bert's remains in 2002. The Rolling Stones
guitarist says the media are "making a mountain out of a relatively
small pile of cadaver-infused cocaine."
Convicted
terrorist David Hicks will soon return to Australia under a plea
bargain that will see him serve nine months in jail and bar him from
commenting on his case. Hicks has been warned that under a variation
on the US's famous Miranda Rights, anything he says can be used
against him in a non-court of retrospective law.
A suburban engagement party was rescued at the eleventh hour
this week, thanks to the quick thinking of a plucky DJ. Despite the open bar
and extensive buffet, attendees refused to mingle, drink too much or properly
celebrate the upcoming union of the guests of honour. The crisis was only averted by the narrowest of margins after the DJ finally succeeded in breaking the ice with Tina Turner's 1973
hit 'Nutbush City Limits'.
When
Special Agent Olivia Martinez started a sting operation to catch
online sex predator Karl Bute Jnr, she thought it would be a routine
assignment. She never suspected that the man she was entrapping would
end up entrapping her heart.
The Government has approved the sale of 49% of Qantas to overseas
investors after securing a deal to protect jobs, regional air services
and itself from damaging fallout ahead of the next election. "If the
sale goes ahead, I want to reassure our loyal customers that we will
still call Australia home," CEO Geoff Dixon said. "Primarily in our
marketing campaigns."
In what has been seen by many as a cathartic move for the
troubled nation of Iraq,
Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death for ordering the killing of 148
Shi'ites in 1982. After much deliberation, the judge decided the most
cost-effective means of execution was simply to drop the former dictator from a
low-flying plane, onto the streets of Baghdad.
"Saddam will be dressed in a US
army uniform, armed with a blunt machete and jettisoned in an escape pod,"
explained Judge Arif Shaheen. "Insurgents will take care of the rest."
Peaking demand for
commodities, investor jitters and competition with Japan have all
been blamed for the recent Shanghai stock market crash, but now
fingers are being pointed at a more familiar culprit - Microsoft
software. Expecting a standard operating system, traders panicked when
confronted with a series of ethereal, floating squares, a design one described as "even more wanky than a Mac, with none of the
functionality."
Perth's leading Panama hat salesman
has resigned after admitting business dealings with his one and only
customer, former Western Australian Premier Brian Burke. "In this
line of work, all my business dealings are supposed to be shady,"
he said. "But when Mr Burke brought Kevin Rudd into the shop to try
on some hats, I knew I was fatally compromised."
The hopes and dreams of the third in line to the British throne were dashed last month, when Prince Harry was cleared to fight in Iraq.
The 22-year-old cornet had been keen to be posted in the region to "smoke some hash with the Arabs and
chill out for a while". But Harry received a double blow when he learned not only that he would actually be required to patrol
the Iranian border, but that Baghdad's famous "Green Zone" bore no resemblance whatsoever to Amsterdam's.
After an Oscars acceptance speech filled with hot air, Al Gore was
quick to plant a tree to ensure that he did not contribute to global
warming. It is the 56,923nd tree Gore has been forced to plant since he
started travelling the world to deliver his lengthy lecture on his
personal story and the reasons he should have won in 2000, as well as
giving a few quick pointers on climate change.
An unapologetic
Tony Blair has announced that British troops will begin a phased
withdrawal from Iraq. “We decided that our situation in the country
was no longer tenable,” said the embattled Prime Minister. “And
then we waited three years.”
John Howard has declined to withdraw his comments about Barack Obama’s
policy on Iraq, claiming that cutting and running from the fight with
the prospective Presidential nominee would only embolden the Democrats.
The Prime Minister also pointed out that his stance on Obama is in
keeping with his Government’s long-term policy of refusing to apologise
to blacks.
