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Israel bombed: suspect of Middle Eastern appearance
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Almost four years into her 100,000 word PhD in Visual
Communications, Janet Wasserman is beginning to sincerely regret her
chosen area of inquiry. Her still incomplete thesis, entitled The
perverse in the Buffyverse: RE:reading Performative Gender Roles
and their subversion in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, has become
something of an embarrassment to her.
Following Sylvester Stallone's promotional visit to Sydney,
Customs have decided to pursue the aging action star to the full extent of
their power after a routine X-ray of the 60-year-old's luggage revealed some
prohibited items, including steroids, photos of his horrific mother and a pirated
copy of Party At Kitty And Stud's.
Jacob Rosicky's
well-meaning father has imparted to him an intense dislike for all
forms of recreational angling, as well as a general antipathy for
what Jacob calls "the not-so-great outdoors". Now 31, the
chartered accountant need only think of fishing to bring back clear
memories of freezing, pre-dawn mornings spent fiddling with a tangle.
Actress and TrimSpa spokeswoman Anna Nicole Smith has died at 39DD. The star has left behind one daughter, one stalker/lawyer and eighteen frivolous lawsuits. "It's comforting to know that Anna Nicole died doing what she loved," said a close friend. "The Bahamian Immigration Minister, apparently."
Sheikh Taj El-Din Hilali has agreed not
to give any more sermons at the Lakemba mosque, following the
intervention of fellow Muslims, or as the Sheikh called them,
"Islamaphobes".
The controversial cleric was also forced to deny that he was a bigot who
hated Australia. "I think Australia is the greatest Satanic infidel
country full of lying convicts in the world. I didn't wish to offend
anyone, except idolators and Jews"
Labor insiders fear a rerun of Mark Latham's crippling 2004 defeat
after seeing Kevin Rudd's latest poll figures, the best ever for an
Opposition leader. John Howard is struggling against him in Parliament,
sending waves of panic around the ALP party room. "We've seen this
before, a new face with fresh ideas who attracts voters in droves -
until election day when they switch back to Howard," one long-time MP
said. 
U.S. Vice
President Dick Cheney hopes to receive a luke-warm reception when he
visits Australia later this month, to thank Australia for the
thankless task of participating in the war in Iraq. Mr Cheney's tour
will also incorporate Japan, Guam, and a number of "undisclosed
locations".
Channel Nine CEO Eddie McGuire has
returned to the small screen, hosting a gameshow that features a
triumph against the odds - beating Seven in the ratings. The
much-hyped show, 1 vs 100,
spent months in pre-production, as producers struggled to find
100 Nine viewers to serve as competitors.
A relationship quiz
entitled Is He The One? that appeared in a recent issue of
Cleo has led Sydney woman Jane Kurkova to break off her
engagement with truck driver Miles Daly. Kurkova was "shocked and
heartbroken" when her fiancée scored a mere four out of twenty,
putting him firmly in the "Dump this frickin' loser already"
category.
In an effort to inform friends and family of his new-found political
awareness, Joss Freeman, 14, has changed his MSN Messenger display
picture from a photo of his cat to a stylised Sex Pistols logo. "I'm
an anarchist," he said in a brief break between rounds of his favourite first-person shooter,
Counterstrike.
Buoyed by strong early results in opinion polls, Kevin Rudd is offering
voters an unprecedented choice between two nerds in the 2007 election.
He's left little doubt that he's a safer bet that Mark Latham. “Voters
can rest assured that no matter who wins the election, they will be led
by an uncharismatic, socially conservative man with glasses and a bad
haircut.” 
ALP leader Steve Bracks has been re-elected
as caretaker Premier of Victoria, while the search for a successor to Jeff
Kennett continues. After achieving a third election victory on the weekend,
Bracks is now set to become Labor's longest-serving Premier-in-waiting.
