A Hansen How-to Guide™

MANY righteous people complain that Western governments have created a world of FEAR by carrying on about TERRORISM. Well I say, Bah! We're not afraid ENOUGH.

We are afraid already, I'll admit that much. The more imaginative souls amongst our children are going hysterical when terrorism is discussed in class; people are refusing to travel; and watching the evening news is enough to make you avoid leaving the house. Although that last one is just in case you run into Sandra Sully out on the street.

Experts say it's even possible that the very WORD "terrorist" is somehow linguistically related to the concept of fear.

But, again, I say Bah! to that. Because in worrying about terrorism all the time, we're completely forgetting about the millions – indeed millions of millions of millions of billions – of OTHER threats we constantly face during the course of an ordinary day.

God knows, governments aren't doing ANYTHING about whipping us up into a state of constant fear. But they bloody well ought to. There are countless horrifying things going on around you, any of which could snuff out your precious wee life in the blinking of a person who blinks fast's eye. For your own good, you should be utterly, utterly afraid during every second that passes. Crippled and paralysed with anxiety and panic. And that's why you need this handy Guide to Protecting Yourself Against Non-Terrorist Threats™.

Threat 1 of about 10 trillion: Falling birds

Threat: Putting aside for a moment the much-publicised and undoubtedly terrifying phenomenon of bird flu, let's take stock and consider one – just one – of its horrific implications. An implication unreported until this very moment: birds dying in mid-flight. Birds will plummet down out of the sky and thud into the skulls of heedless pedestrians below, pulverising their brains on impact. It'll be like dropping whole Steggles chickens off a skyscraper. Just think… one of those unlucky pedestrians could be YOU or someone you LOVE!

Solution: While walking anywhere, stop every three steps and survey the sky with a haggard expression of fear written on your face. Then simply dodge any falling birds headed your way.

Threat 2 of about 10 trillion: Running to catch toppling lamps

Threat: Let's think about just one of the myriad life-threatening mishaps that can occur around the home. It could well happen that you're sitting on the couch one day. Across the room, someone, perhaps a friend or family member, accidentally bumps into a lampstand. The lampstand sways and then starts to topple over. Suddenly, as a reflex reaction, you leap off the couch and sprint towards the tilting lampstand, hoping to arrest its fall – but on the way, you gash your calf against the coffee table and bleed to death. I ask you, why isn't the Government conducting an education campaign about this? Bah!

Solution: Using an industrial drill and enormous bolts, fasten all your lampstands permanently to the floor.

Threat 3 of about 10 trillion: Swimming pools freezing

Threat: As if there aren't enough things to be abjectly terrified of when swimming in backyard pools. With climate change as unpredictable as it is nowadays, you never know when a sunny day in the pool could suddenly turn into the next Ice Age. If a dramatic weather change happens swiftly enough, say by some freak of nature, the pool you're bathing in might instantly freeze into a solid block of ice. You'd be trapped inside it like one of those brown prehistoric men they keep digging up in Greenland.

Solution: Carry an ice pick whenever you swim. In fact it's best to carry two, one in each hand, so you'll have double the chance of an ice pick being above the water at the moment of freezing.

Threat 4 of about 10 trillion: Meteorites

Threat: About 150 meteorite impact craters can be found on Earth's surface. It's only a matter of time before one strikes your house.

Solution: None. It is impossible to dodge or deflect a 50-ton meteorite. You'll simply have to add this worry to the 10 trillion other fears that weigh down your soul on a daily basis.
 

Threat 5 of about 10 trillion: Drowning in the rain

Threat: If you're outdoors during a heavy rain shower and happen to look upwards, it's possible that two individual raindrops will enter your nostrils simultaneously. This will send you reeling backwards across the street, gagging and clutching at your burning sinuses. If you're extremely unlucky, it's quite possible that a SECOND pair of raindrops will then immediately enter your nostrils… and then a THIRD, and then a FOURTH, and they may well keep coming until you drown. Why the Government doesn't front a series of television advertisements about this is beyond me.

Solution: Wear a large rubber plug up one of your nostrils whenever venturing out into the rain. That way if a raindrop enters your other nostril, you can simply look down at the ground and remove the plug, giving you one free nostril through which to breathe.
 

Threat 6 of about 10 trillion: Falling chickens

Threat: In a "copycat" frenzy of madness, an insane homicidal person might read Threat 1 in this list. Then they may climb to the top of a skyscraper and murderously drop Steggles chickens off it.

Solution: Avoid the bases of skyscrapers at all costs. You might also consider boycotting the purchase of Steggles chickens – if enough people do that, Steggles would go out of business and this threat would be eliminated. Except that any other brand of chicken could be used instead. Or indeed any chicken-sized object at all. It's absolutely terrifying!

Next week: Threats 7 to 15 of about 10 trillion. Remain alert until then.