There is no one word, no one image, that can define heavy metal music. The image that comes closest is a skull-headed man jumping a motorbike over an exploding atomic bomb, while a devil-woman riding pinion plays an awesome guitar solo on a black Jackson flying-V with a low action. If you can imagine that image tattooed onto the pocked and raided flesh of a deaf roadie being hit by a stray firework as the final chords of Damage Incorporated ring out into a Stuttgart stadium, you are somewhere near heavy metal’s soul. If you can’t imagine that, or would just like some further information, here are some shit websites to look at.

The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time (2005 Edition)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal2.html
The most extreme forms of heavy metal flourish in Northern Europe, where bleak winters and excellent socialized health systems open a direct line of communication with Satan. And nothing pleases the dark lord more than his minions bushwalking in nail-studded armbands. The Black Metal look is best described as gay cabaret Viking goes to goth/fetish convention to play Dungeons & Dragons; but don’t let me tell you. Let Hobart Dave tell you:

Baby Ruth!

“Man, Horgh is just flat out tubby; there’s no two ways about it. That gut-guard is about to burst, and when it does, watch out for a lethal barrage of flying metal studs…And what on earth is Abbath doing? What kind of pose is that? It looks like he’s about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, “Nooooooooo….” Maybe he thinks he's in some black metal version of The Matrix -- Bullet Time Abbath. One of our Ruthless brethren put it best when he said, “If a man has grown tired of Horgh’s nipples, he has grown tired of life.” The best part is that Immortal isn't even a band anymore. These two just get together for photo shoots. Jesus... Horgh should just go pro wrestler and get it over with…”

This photo set does contain male genitalia (as well as plenty of cocks), but putting NotSafeForWork on it seems a bit wussie. Here at shITe, we like to set that bar high (NSFW – that’s for you, Fadeaway).

Metal Goddess

 http://www.metalgoddess.net/

Metal Goddess - breaking the stereotype that metalheads can't bellydance

Hard rock is often accused of sexism, sometimes even misogyny. But one group of courageous women is blasting through the groupie slut/disapproving mother paradigm. Metalgoddess is broadening the cultural horizons of dozens of metalheads by introducing them to an equally unpopular form of expression from another culture, combining Western metal music and Eastern bellydancing to create a unique art-form offensive to all the senses.

“Teisha, Cleopatra and Tazina started performing together as a troupe 10 years ago. They perform traditional belly-dancing throughout Long Island, New York as well as Hawaiin dancing. The troupe name “Metal Goddess” was created because the trio are all from Heavy Metal music backgrounds and had the concept of fusing metal music and bellydancing. After years of tossing the idea around and keeping it on the backburner, Cleopatra surprised the group with a choreography to Ozzy’s “Crazy Train”. Leather, studded costumes followed and Troupe Metalgoddess was born. They performed their first public metal performance at the Rakkasah Festival East in New Jersey and since then have performed at numerous metal festivals throughout New York.”

Pictured above is Tazina, one of the Valkyries who makes up Metal Goddess (or Metalgoddess, they don’t seem to have made up their minds). She is “an authentic bellydancer as well as New York’s “Heavy Metal” bellydancer!!...Of course the whip, biker hat and sunglasses are a must for the “metal” dancing! She is a powerful and mesmerizing dancer that captivates her audience at each performance!” Her love of kick-ass music second only to her love of exclamation marks, Tazina and the gals have performed for “numerous celebrities”, as well as livening the stage for New York City’s finest tribute bands.

Hatebeak

 http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/hatebeek.html

Waldo, the world's only parrot singing in a death metal band

“Face-crushing guitars, head-pounding drums, bass so low you'll vacate your bowels, and vocals so scorching, so extreme they simply can't be human! They're not. This death metal outfit with a parrot for a singer trashes the pathetic birdfeeder you call the metal underground…That's correct, a parrot for a singer, savaging you with feathers of razored steel! This is not Jimmy Buffet's parrot - be warned! Try as one might, they will not escape the claw; nothing can dodge the talons of hate!!…The holiest shrines of metal and hardcore seriousness are duly trashed, burned, laid to waste, smeared in Avian excrement. The pecking order has been established!...Groundbreaking, nest-crushing, egg-shattering! You can run, but you can't fly.”

WALDO is the singer and inspiration for Hatebeak, a band whose savage misanthropy and subhuman urgings are only satiated by cuttle-fish bones and seed compressed into the shape of a bell. Notoriously reclusive, his contact with the outside world is these hate-filled recordings, which can never be performed live because of Waldo’s fear of loud noises. And he might give an audience member a nasty peck.

Send your webshITe submissions to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . In a pathetic attempt to bribe readers to do the research element of the column, I will offer a CNNNN DVD for the best (or worst) submission on a theme. This month’s theme is Celebrity Fan Sites. Be warned, the DVD will only be awarded for exceptionally shITeful entries, not every week. Good luck!