A BIG LACK of congratulations to the following readers, all of whom broke their New Year's resolutions within a fortnight. Be disgusted at their weakness as you read their confessions!

"I made a bold decision to start this year off by winning a charismatic role of great dramatic impact in a major motion picture. But yesterday I changed my mind and will instead keep aiming for bland, quickly forgotten performances that command merely average Hollywood fees."
- Gary Sinise. Hollywood, California.

"I'm the Prime Minister of Australia. Therefore I was determined to begin the New Year by using clear, concise language when asked about tricky issues. But on 3 January, my wife Janette asked me whether some badly aimed urine she found on our toilet seat was mine or not – and I found myself saying that my guarantee was my record and I didn't think we need enter into speculation over negative outcomes while buying in on leveraging resources or syndicating future decisions in any given situation."
- John Howard. Canberra, ACT.

"I've spent my entire life suffering mishaps with electrical appliances. By the time I turned 40, I'd accidentally electrocuted myself over 2,000 times. So I resolved to take great care once the New Year started. However, since then I've electrocuted myself a further 37 times. Bah!"
- Pete Dillon. Townsville, QLD.

"I'm a cranky old stepmother who spends all my time annoying the rest of the family. So I made a New Year's resolution to up and die finally. Which is what everyone in the family keeps wishing I'd do.
"However, for some reason my organ functions simply continued as normal after midnight, despite my resolve. Here I am, alive and difficult as ever. Sorry, family!"
- Everyone's stepmother. Any location.

"I've always been a campaigner for social justice and equality, but I figured it was about time I turned into a white supremacist. My New Year's resolution was to do exactly that, yet by 12:02 am I was back to my usual black self."
- Nelson Mandela. Johannesburg, South Africa.

"I became sick and tired of delivering sensational news reports in a silly lilting tone of voice, so I made a New Year's resolution to stop doing so. Sadly, I've been unable to restrain myself and will return to the desk as the face of declining journalism in 2006."
- Sandra Sully. Sydney, NSW.

"Being a dog, I made a New Year's resolution to stop howling every time an ambulance siren went past. Unfortunately corgis are very weak willed, particularly the Cardigan breed, and I've already started my primal hoots afresh for '06."
- A corgi. Cardiff, Wales.

"I've written articles about New Year's resolutions every January for the last five years. This year though, I made a resolution not to do so any more because it's a clichéd cop-out that only the most uninspired writers who lack a muscular intellect and a brave imagination resort to. Imagine my disappointment when I nevertheless turned out this piece right here, published for all to see!"
- Andrew Hansen. Sydney, NSW.

And that covers your broken resolutions, readers! Next week – Frozen yogurt: Its role in gender politics.