A Hansen How-To Guide™.

A few weeks ago, Today Tonight told us January was going to be a rather hot month – a bold prediction for the middle of summer in Australia. Yet it seems to have proven somewhat true!

The fact is, hot weather is DANGEROUS. It can lead to FATIGUE, THIRST and HOTNESS. If you absolutely HAVE to go outside in the heat this summer, here are some TECHNIQUES and PRECAUTIONS that will help you STAY COOL.

Crouch or lie
Hot air rises. Therefore it's always cooler the closer you are to the ground. If walking on a piping hot day, try crouching down as low as possible while awkwardly scuttling along the footpath like a GI in the jungle. If waiting in a queue, make sure you lie completely down on the ground. When the queue moves forwards, QUICKLY stand up, take a step, then lie down again.

Tall partner
When summer kicks in, make friends with an extremely tall man. Then, whenever you have to walk somewhere, ring him up and ask him to accompany you – simply stroll along in your lanky companion's shadow to remain cool! You can abandon the friendship once the colder weather starts up.

Portable fan
It seems obvious, but take an electric fan with you whenever you go outside. To power it, simply strap a hefty generator to your back. Then use both hands to hold the fan out in front of you, blowing back into your face, as you walk about. Note: you may have to switch the fan on maximum power to compensate for the extra heat you'll experience while staggering under the solid bulk of your generator.

Plan a tunnel
If you're going to walk somewhere during summer, it's a good idea to spend the winter months boring an underground tunnel between your origin and destination. Then, when the time to make the journey arrives, simply walk at a leisurely pace through the cool tunnel you've just spent thousands of dollars and man-hours building.

Endless water
While walking in heat, it's hard to stay hydrated. The problem with bottles of water is, they seem not to slake your thirst any more once you've drunk all the water contained therein. The solution? Contact a hose company and ask them to custom-make a garden hose that's 30 kilometres in length. Then, attach this record-breakingly long hose to your kitchen tap. Ask a friend over to stand by the tap while you go out, the spout end of the hose in your hand. When thirst strikes out there, simply telephone your friend and instruct them to turn on the tap. Hey presto! You can walk up to 30 kilometres away and never be without fresh drinking water. The other great thing about this technique is that if you get lost, you can simply follow the hose back to your kitchen.

Note: If without friends, you can easily keep the tap running the entire time, leaving a constant stream of precious water behind you as you journey.

Mussels
A sure-fire way to feel nice and cold is to have severe food poisoning. If you're about to hit the boiling streets, wolf down a bucket of raw, week-old mussels. You should soon find your teeth chattering uncontrollably as you tremble in a poison-induced fever. Now go out in defiance of the fierce sun, feeling nothing but wonderful icy bursts swooping through your veins. Note: be sure not to get distracted by the dizzying hallucinations that ensue while employing this method.

And there you have it, a gorgeously cool summer! For more information on hot weather, type "hot weather" into Google.