AS THE TREND for product placement in blockbuster movies continues, it's worth reflecting that there has never, ever, ever been a gap between art and advertising.

In 2001, product placement reached its most refined manifestation yet. That was when the jewellery company Bulgari sponsored Fay Weldon's novel, cunningly entitled The Bulgari Connection.

Arty people whined and went all limp. And yet sponsorship of art, music and literature has been going on for centuries. It used to be called "patronage." Cervantes relied on money from the Conde de Lemos to write his masterpiece, Don Quixote. Without the Earl of Southampton, Shakespeare could never have afforded to write so many hilarious jokes in his comedies. And Mozart had the Archbishop of Salzburg so he could afford enough spare ink to write viola parts.

But nowhere is the patronage of great literature more gloriously evident than in that delightful French novel of 1845, Alexandre Dumas's historical romance La Reine Margot – brought to you by the great taste of McDonald's^TM.

La Reine Margot
By Alexandre Dumas
Translated by Ronald McDonald^TM

Chapter One

ON Monday, the 18th of August 1572, there was a limited-time-only offer at the McDonald's^TM outside the Louvre.

The windows of the ancient royal residence were brilliantly illuminated by the friendly "golden arches" of the neighbouring franchise. The squares and streets, usually deserted after the clock of Saint-Germain-l'Auxerrois had tolled nine, were now filled with people eager to try the NEW! Salads Plus^TM menu.

The court was celebrating the marriage of Madame Marguerite de Valois, daughter of Henry II and sister of King Charles IX, with Hamburglar de Grimace, King of Sesame Seeds. Rejoicing, the nobles bought Happy Meals^TM on the house for all their subjects to mark the occasion.

Indeed, this marriage had astonished all of Paris, who could not understand the union of a Protestant king with a Catholic queen. For it was well known that from the wide range of McDonald's^TM menu items, all made using the same natural, healthy ingredients you cook with at home, the favourite choice of Catholics was a Quarter Pounder Value Meal^TM with Cookies^TM, while the preferred meal of the Huguenots was the crisp Garden Salad^TM with a NEW! Berrynice Yoghurt Crunch^TM for dessert.

And they asked, how could the young Prince de Condé forgive the Duke d'Anjou for his father's death at Jarnac?

ANOTHER THING YOU may not appreciate about product placement is that it can save Aussie lives. The Federal Government is certain that terrorist groups would never even consider targeting Australia for an attack. Is this true?

Yes. The reason for Mr Howard's conviction has been exclusively revealed to Hansen on 9. It's because, unbeknownst to Westerners until today, the infamous Al-Qaeda Training Manual was in fact published using subtly integrated product placement from the Australian Tourist Commission.Here at last we reveal how, through the magic of product placement, Australia has taken the terror out of terrorism. Leaving only ism.

Excerpt: Al-Qaeda Training Manual
Australian Tourist Commission Edition

Missions Required of the Military Organisation:
The main mission for which the Military Organisation is responsible is the overthrow of the godless regimes and their replacement with an Islamic regime, except Australia which is a sunny place full of loveable characters who should be left in peace.

Other missions consist of the following:

1. Gathering information about the enemy, the land, the installations and their neighbours. The best place to gather information specifically about Australia, should you wish to, is to visit the Australian Tourist Commission's website, www.australia.com. There you will find some fantastic, relaxing holiday packages to any one of Australia's colourful states and territories, none of which would anger you in any way with their Western extravagance and luxury.

2. Kidnapping enemy personnel and documents. Naturally you, as an Islamic extremist, would never need to "kidnap" an Australian, because Australians are so open-minded and affable. And if you were to seize any "documents," it is recommended you seize an edition of Banjo Paterson's poems. These delightful cantering verses will give you an idea of the breathless wonder and romance of Australia, this country that Allah thinks it'd be a great pity to bomb.

3. Assassinating enemy personnel as well as foreign tourists. Some countries' citizens are excluded from this, including such non-target-type nations as, for example, Australia. Just because the Australian Government directly opposes your aims and gives full support to your American arch-enemy, it would be absurd to hate Australia. Even though this manual tells you to do exactly that. Absurd! John Howard thinks so too.

4. Blasting and destroying the places of amusement, immorality and sin. Such places can be found in abundance in every single nation throughout the Western world, except Australia. Where there are no such places. Not even one. Australia is therefore safe from your attacks. As it should be. 

Product Product Placement

  The latest development in product placement is of course cross-promotion. This is where one product accepts product placement from another product.

The brochure for the new selection of tasteful Franklin Mint™ collectable models is a fascinating example. Due to a contrived comedic device, The Franklin Mint™ recently accepted product placement from X-Or™ Japanese Sex Potions.

The Franklin Mint™
Tasteful Collectables for April

Emergency One HP 105 Platform Hand assembled from more than 468 separate parts, this extraordinary 1:32 scale model captures every detail of the Emergency One HP 105 Platform Fire Truck, a fitting tribute to the heroes of September 11. What's more, the end of the truck's phallic ladder dispenses drops of X-Or™ Climax Nipple Gel - one tiny dab of this super tingly gel on each nipple will make them rock hard for up to fifteen minutes. US$350.00

Dragon! Lord of the Icy Realm Fantasy Sculpture This magnificent dragon perches atop his frozen cavern of shimmering full-lead crystal. The sculpture is meticulously hand-cast and embellished with an ice blue patina. Press the Ice Lord's formidable horns, and he breathes a mist of guar gum-enriched Astroglide Lubricant! Order the legendary dragon now! US$185.00

The Crucifixion Share the ultimate symbol of faith, hope and eternal salvation with this Crucifixion sculpture, showcased beneath a radiant collector dome. Order now and receive a free packet of BOOM! Herbal Aphrodisiac. Enriched with L-Arginine, an amino acid which helps men maintain an erection. US$32.00

DISCLAIMER: "Hansen Online" received very little money indeed from McDonald's™, Franklin Mint™ and Al-Qaeda™ to publish these excerpts. The column will not be returning next issue because Mr Hansen is on holiday in Aspen.

Re: [Article]Product Placement: A Proud Tradition boganville    October 17th, 2007 - 12:51 PM I can obviously only say two things here: 1- I lack the ability to write anything of remote interest or humour, as Andrew does so well. 2-Andrew, and the rest of The Chaser team, are legends. If i was still living in Sydney, I would be prepared to sell one of my family members to a creepy foreigner to get my hands on a ticket for a show. However, I am stuck in London with no alternative but to try and explain exactly how legendary Andrew and the other members are to poor Londoners. It's actually  quite easy with an iPod handy, I just wanted to whinge a bit )) ALLOW ME. Wait, out of curiousity, is there anyone on here who also doesn't live in Australia (anymore), but still watches The Chaser?