OK I'm gunna write something on Big Brother. Come on, you knew it had to happen. And I want so say at the outset that I know none of you actually watches it. I've gone around the country in the last six months and met thousands of people – and none watch it. It's amazing! Most people I have met have an intimate knowledge of the show, coupled with a huge dollop of distain yet none have ever seen the show.  So the following will probably mean little to anyone........ 

Tim reckons it's really tough lazing around like this all day

Remember everything is foreign when you enter the house.  The blasting 24-hour lights, the fourteen strangers you're locked in a cage with, the uninteresting food, the communal living, the suburban high school conversation.  Not to mention being observed constantly – whether you're flirting or fighting, kissing or crying, sleeping or showering – try wearing a sound recording device to the toilet and then playing it back to yourself if you want to get some idea! It sounds funny but thinking twice everytime you go to put your finger up your nose or scratch your bum does mess with your head. I remember I was scared to ever count on my fingers – in case they taped it and made out I was doing the numbers – it's funny the things that enter your head! 

And remember when we see the housemates on ‘Day One' they're already four months into their BB journey.  They've been running on adrenaline, prayer and desperate hope for longer than you realise. 

Because after the initial audition they've had months of questionaries, further auditions, photo shoots, medical examinations and psychological profiling.   

I only survived this because I was regularly meeting up with Chas Licciardello planning every stage in detail and carefully strategising. I mean, Chas had to explain to me the most basic stuff like Nominations, Evictions, who Big Brother was – the whole lot.  Believe me it does take some dedication to survive hanging at his house at 3am while he chucks back devon slices with Roll Up chasers (I think he only eats flat food, I've never seen him eat a soufflé, for example.) But I digress..... 

About a week before the start of the show the housemates will have gotten a last-minute phone call ordering them to quit their job, get a hair cut, get some new rags, and get up to Queensland. 

And all this while containing their excitement and not telling even their closest friends they might be about to appear on national television and change their lives forever – except of course Chas. 

But it's not like then you get to relax either.  There's the week of lock down itself packed with at least eight photo shoots, magazine and radio interviews, talks with agents, psychologist Carmel Hill, safety staff and most daunting of all – a meeting with the king of spin, Big Brother himself. Not to mention the pain of being locked in a hotel suite for four days overlooking the breakers on the Gold Coast – there's no runs on the beach, or time in the gym. Just you, a locked door, one mate (No I did not take Chas) and an ever watchful chaperone. You're not even allowed on the balcony in case NW gets a snap of you. No wonder last year a few of the Housemates like Kate had major nervous spats with their friends. 

And the whole time you don't even know for sure if you're actually going to make it into the house. 

That's why you see many housemates get into the house so totally exhausted they just want to sleep. Big Brother knows this – that's why the first weeks are the only time in the series he allows housemates the luxury of a nap during the day. 

In the first month of last year's show I remember being grumpy, getting headaches and being tired. I cracked it at Angela and Michelle quite unreasonably in an argument over plaster of paris and on the second Friday Night Live I chucked a kid's bike in rage because it stopped working  and got fined $5000 for bad sportsmanship. Keep in mind you can't just go for a walk, have a bar or chocolate, watch a movie or have a beer if you're feeling stressed. And of course if you're lucky enough to be nominated or you're having a fight with someone, it's all turned up a notch. 

Believe me, you start to value the few moments of solitude you get before sleep staring up the ceiling and wondering if coming on BB may have been the worst decision of your life. 

But the difference for this year's housemates is that Big Brother is really tormenting them – and from the very start. 

So far we've had a really hard task which is guaranteed to leave people feeling resentful – I mean, being told you're dumb or boring isn't exactly fun. (Consider that last year our first week task was ‘to get to know each other' – I think you'll agree it's not really in the same league.) 

Michael has been given the poisoned chalice of being the ‘Insider'.  Though I think he enjoys the attention, having to play tricks on other housemates has really messed with his head and strategy.  Especially as Big Brother has totally fucked him over by reveling he is the Insider – now no-one trusts him and he just talks and talks and talks. 

There's been other things to unsettle the housemates – hidden truths like Dave's sexuality, Karen and Krystal's relationship, a fake eviction – with two housemates getting placed in the ‘Revenge Room' and being given the opportunity to sneak into the house and play God – targeting those they see fit. 

And of course there's the punishment room.  And don't even get me started on the electric shocks!