You remember my spy and former intern Danika?  Well, she's returned from her mission to find out all there is to know about The Chaser's War On Everything.  Here is her report: 

Monday 8.03am: 

Danika with television's Andrew Hansen

Video editor James Edwards grabs me and begins regaling me about the merits of socialism – I excuse myself by muttering something about ‘needing to go to the toilet'.  As I leave I notice Andrew tuning his xylophone and swearing and Julian taping away on his Palm Pilot and chatting. He strikes me as the father of the group – but a slightly irresponsible one that never goes to P&C meetings. 

Monday 8:15am: 

First task assigned. I am to accompany Julian to find Sydney's worst ‘Wanker Plates' – personalised number plates with letter number configurations like 2HOT4U, SXYGRL, etc. Scouring a nearby car park, we find a few keepers (the plate GERALD gets a particularly hard rap from Julian... If your name was Gerald, why would you advertise that?).  I note Julian is slightly obsessed by PowerPoint presentations.   God he has a winner smile.  I can see why people call him ‘the thinking woman's gobstopper'.   

Monday 2.35pm

Sit in on planning meeting for coming episode. Agenda focused on how to make a tasteful comment on the weekend's Big Brother ‘turkey slapping' incident. Chas is eating slices of devon.  Andrew is not present at the meeting, Craig explains he's practising his technique in the disabled toilet with a mannequin.  Don't know whether to believe him.  I notice that all present are dressed very trendily – I wonder how such nerdy political comedian types can also be at the forefront of fashion, (with the exception of Chas who wears Rockport shoes and K-Mart Grandpa shorts). 

Tuesday 9.35am  

Long day of shooting. First stop: the gothic architecture of Sydney University, the backdrop to Chris' Shakespearean recitations while dressed as a policeman. After a little trouble with security (it seems some were not notified of the visit) and a number of female fans who insisted on leaving their numbers, the shoot was completed.   

Tuesday 10.24am 

After an ABC regulation lunch of watery orange cordial and soggy tomato sandwiches, it was onto more Shakespeare shooting. At this point Craig makes a cameo appearance as the token ‘bad cop' beating a fair maiden over the head with the yellow pages after she refuses to answer the apparently literal question, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" You can't say these guys aren't patient, Craig must have yelled "Answer the question" at least 40 times.  Craig later confesses to feeling uncomfortable with the role ‘I'm more used to gutting people with my words, not violence'. He's soon to be proved right – in the next take he was characteristically rude to a member of the public and was decked with one stroke to the face.  Crew find it hard to disguise their delight as they help him up.  

Tuesday 11.58 am 

Chas and Andrew flog a literal metaphor

Wednesday 8.33am

Court shoot. Why should only a controversial handful of cases demand media attention? Led by Chris posing as a TV journalist, armed with 6 video cameras (2 functioning), dictaphones and flashing cameras, we form a media scrum and ambushed those leaving court. Criminals, friends and lawyers – none were spared. Questions like "Were you happy with the verdict?", "What do you want to say to Australia?" and "Are you surprised by the media interest in your case?" are popular favourites. A lot of the more dodgy looking characters flee from the flashes, telling us to get real jobs, whilst others use it as an opportunity to talk about the new IR laws and job security. One confused man tells Chris he can't speak English, to which Chris replies, "Can you convey your feelings in mime?" 

Wednesday 12.07 pm

Yep, it's another literal metaphor. The Chaser writing process is becoming clearer

Wednesday 2.13pm 

Accompanying Julian to a busy shopping centre, armed with two chicken carcasses painted as turkeys and a rubber chicken we seek the answer to the age-old question, "Is turkey slapping inappropriate... How about in public?" Responses are hilarious, since most people have no clue what turkey slapping is. One passer by notices our turkey was a little small (as it was, indeed a chicken), and Julian replies "You have to work with the turkey you're given." The conclusion was that turkey slapping feels good and if the adult and the turkey involved consent, it's OK. 

Thursday 10.10am 

Is Danika subtly implying Chris has a big head? In yet another literal metaphor?

Thursday 3.14pm

In preparation for the live audience recording on Thursday night, I shop for Green Room nibblies. No strange celebrity 'rider' requests here, but we did buy loads of chocolate.               

The not-so-famous five

Friday 10.37am  

Following the excitement of filming, Friday feels sleepy as preparations are made for the week ahead. Meeting hosted by Julian discusses the logistics of the upcoming segment ‘Road to Glory' where the 5 Chasers are soccer playing quintuplets.    

Friday 11.52am 

Meeting interrupted with minor emergency. Chas, has been filming at a nearby Coles to determine whether Coles are really listening, as their ad slogan promises. He'd approached the checkout and proceeded to yak to the checkout chick's/checkout prick's about their day, family, recent operation. Coles, angered by the surprise visit, refused to return Chas' microphone! Julian, a trained lawyer, excuses himself and returns moments later with a grin – obviously his authoritative tone has paid dividends and the microphone was returned.  How many women out there secretly wish they also could be admonished by this Adonis I ask myself.  After the meeting I have a rather embarrassing episode when I walk in on Chris rubbing sheep pheromones onto himself in the deserted props room.  After mumbling garbled excuses I stumble off. 

Friday 3.24pm 

Afternoon's work is interrupted at intervals by a small boy kicking a soccer ball through the office with the words BURN ALL LESBIANS written on it in black marker. Bizarre. 

Friday 5.45pm 

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone curlcurl07    July 16th, 2006 - 4:46 AM That was great! It makes me want to see a behind-the-scenes DVD Documentary, or a continuous series on this website, like this article! Please?

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    July 16th, 2006 - 4:54 AM While we are at it, she doesn't really look like Rachel Stevens anymore... Oh...and is "turkey slapping" a real phrase, or was it invented for BB...and even if they don't show the footage of people on the toilet, what's the odds you've got some creepy tech guys that enjoy the footage?

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Beanz    July 16th, 2006 - 5:34 AM Oh how I'd love to spend a week with the team...

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Fritz    July 16th, 2006 - 5:54 AM Quote It is incredible. So many screens, buttons, and knobs involved mmmm. Says it all really.

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone TuxedoChampion    July 16th, 2006 - 9:14 PM Nice work, it was like reliving last week's ep.  I even got an out-loud laugh from it. Tim, you lazy bastard.  Write your own columns.

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Rhiannon    July 16th, 2006 - 11:06 PM You got to wear an ABC Lanyard!!! OMGKTHNXBAITACOS!

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone King Sir Doogie    July 17th, 2006 - 12:01 AM HEHE FUNNY

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone rookie52    July 17th, 2006 - 12:09 AM ha ha ha funny u guys are heeps good

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone sam3083    July 17th, 2006 - 1:38 AM very good piece. but isn't this Tim's comlumn? however if Danika can maintain this level of quality she should get her own column

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Nick 2    July 17th, 2006 - 1:40 AM There you go, they do prowl the forums looking for ideas.

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Nate    July 17th, 2006 - 1:58 AM The big head of Julian, and Danika. That was her inciting jealousy in the female members of the forum, by kissing his pseudo-head, wasn't it? Or at least, intended to do so.

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Julie    July 17th, 2006 - 1:59 AM No Nick we  at www.chaser.com.au are the poor cousins - all 70,000 of us.   Danika was referring to the apparent REAL Chaser Forum, the Guest Book on www.abc.net.au/chaser/war where they trawl to source ideas for Ad Roadtests and the like from the 'casual' fan, as opposed to the ardent (read: creepy) fan. Perhaps we're just too dumb. She probably didn't even know about his site.

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    July 17th, 2006 - 5:42 AM Quote from: Fritz on July 16, 2006, 09:54:04 PM Quote It is incredible. So many screens, buttons, and knobs involved mmmm. Says it all really.  Lol...

so zany Jen deBender    August 1st, 2006 - 2:13 AM That is all I had to say, it is all just so zany!!

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone MarryMeChris!    March 7th, 2007 - 8:17 AM Sheep pheromones? So that's why I'm in love with Chris!

Re: [Article]A week in the War On Everything zone ~Julie~    March 7th, 2007 - 5:06 PM Ok honey. When the show starts up again, you are going to go head to head with member Keep Left, who has been intensely in love with Chris longer than you!

[Article]A week in the War On Everything zone This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it     May 7th, 2007 - 2:45 AM Hey that was great. but a better thing should be a vodcast of what has gone it that week that would great to watch or listen to. dale