Kim Beazley is trying to forge a "Pact with Middle Australia" in an attempt to seize John Howard's most successful electoral territory. In other words, he wants to outdo Howard at pandering to battlers' customary mild xenophobia.

To this end, he's announced plans to make visitors to Australia sign a statement promising to respect Australian values. Here's what an accurate statement about Australian values might look like.

I promise during my visit to Australia that I will:

1) Respect other cultures if completely assimilated into Australia's own

2) Respect for other religions as long as they're not fundamentalist (except Christianity)

3) Respect for Australian institutions such as Don Bradman, Phar Lap, Steve Irwin and Peter Brock

4) Respect Australia's democracy unless I have a Senate majority

5) Respect the equal treatment of women, except when depicted in Ralph, FHM and ZOO. I note note that 'equal' does not extend to pay, hiring policies, seats in parliament or adequate childcare facilities.

6) Respect hard work, especially when directed towards avoiding tax

7) Respect Australia's Laws, and also its Jones and Mitchell

8) Respect Australia's armed forces no matter where America may deploy them

9) Respect Australia's parliaments, except the 'fun-sized' NT and ACT parliaments which no-one respects

10) Above all respect Australians' most important value – the value of their mortgage repayments