For millions of Catholics, the Pope is God's representative on earth (including over 5 million Australian Catholics. Not that any of you actually bother turning up to church on Sundays; I mean, would it kill you to come once in a while?). His Holiness is loved and revered by millions, particularly those millions who haven't quite been keeping up with current events and still think it's his predecessor tooling around the developing world in that little Perspex Popemobile.  

Pell could show Pope Benedict a thing or two about infallibility

His Holiness made comments that were measured and reasonable, doing nothing more than pointing out that, once upon a time in the fourteenth century, someone somewhere made some disparaging remarks about Islam that were recorded in a manuscript that was preserved for posterity. While I accept that it is a little less clear why, out of all of the things that have been said, ever, by human beings, that particular quote was necessary to include in his speech, hey – he's the Pope. It isn't like he's going to make a mistake about something like that, is he? I mean, hello: he's infallible, right? And besides, I think that, although the Pope is not, technically, God, he is still allowed, to a reasonable extent, to act in Mysterious Ways.  

So I stand behind my support for the comments of His Holiness, and my condemnation of the over-zealous remarks by the highly intemperate Islamist lobby in Australia. I also stand behind my estimation of my own judgement that I have something important to offer a public debate about why Muslims are such terrible, awful people about whom we should be extending the holy gift of being condescending, without lapsing into anything so passé as actual racism. I'm right, I mean well and I have God on my side (it says so, right on my business cards). To that end, I wrote a piece for The Australian, gave a few radio interviews and let things rest. That, I thought, would be that.  

But it turns out, blessed congregation, that I was wrong. Something happened that I did not expect. The Pope apologised. And as I've already mentioned, there's a little-known fact about the Pope: he is infallible. Now call me old-fashioned, but it strikes me that if being infallible means anything, it means never having to say you're sorry. 

Who has time for a Pope that kowtows to the Mohammedan menace just because he's burnt in effigy a few times and some Italian nun gets whacked on some mission in Somalia? I know that this Pope is an experienced theologian, who understands the role that reason and academic life plays in the fulfilment of human potential. Theology (I understand from my sources) has always sought to grapple with the great questions: our relationship to God; why we exist; what are our mutual obligations of humanity and respect that God expects of us. Fair enough. What I'd missed was how much it had to say about whether or not, when the going gets tough, one should just knuckle down, give up, and take it from the Moozies.  

My kind of Pope doesn't act like some simpering Uniting Euro-weenie or Buddhist one-hand-clapper, rolling over and asking for forgiveness. I may not be the Biblical expert that he is, but I don't remember the Good Book having anything in it about having to give equal rights to other religions (maybe I missed it ... something that lines of "Diss ye not the Muzzies, lo, lest ye be dissed"? I dunno).  

Therefore, I've written a stern letter to the Holy Father urging him to reconsider his recantation, although I fear deep down that it is already far too late. Stronger steps to re-establish a proper order of Papal authority are needed.  

I have pointed out to His Holiness that what goes around, comes around. Catholics had to sit through Piss Christ and that damn crucifix made of elephant dung, not to mention spending an entire winter protesting outside screenings of The Last Temptation of Christ. And did we get an apology from Martin Scorsese? No, we got endless grief, the sneering of the intellectuals and some humiliating offer of an "interfaith dialogue" from the Seventh Day Adventists!

No-one else would take this kind of crap. Just because we're Catholics, don't we also get the great karmic wheel turning for us one time, as well as against us?  

Dear God – and I include Him in this question – if the Pope isn't able to promote things that he does believe in, and criticise other religions, then what, exactly, is his job description? Tooling around Europe as a shifty-looking glittery-robe-wearing German Bob Geldof-wannabe earning frequent flyer miles? Hardly the task of the vicar of St Peter, in my Book.     

I therefore believe that it has come time for us to stop the rot, and institute a new and much more authentically Catholic leadership in the Roman Catholic Church. It is time for us to storm the Vatican, take back our religion from the ice-like grip of twenty-first century moral relativism and stand up for our right to slight the Muslims. And the Jews. And the splitters. And the abortionists, the gays and – while we're making a list – those bastard lawyers who act for those grasping whiny kids that our guys absolutely, positively did not lay a finger on, I swear to God. 

Catholics of the world, unite behind me. Pellism brings liberation, not humiliation. Behead this gutless Pope. Firebomb his enclaves and overthrow his minions.  

For does it not say in the Good Book: bring ‘em on? 

The author was, until recently, Pope's representative in Australia and, as of the end of the fourth paragraph, now heads his own religious sect.