Yeah! Way to kick that abandoned coal mine's sorry backtalkin' ass! No more coal mine, no sirree! That coal mine is ... outta here! 4.2 on the Richter scale – which rates it as totally badass. Wicked! 

And a high-five to you too, Kim, from all of us here at The Chaser

Of course, the predictable wailing of the NIMBYs has already begun, but don't listen to those bozos. For a start, North Korea isn't really in our backyard – I've checked on the map and it's quite a long way from Australia. Anyway, North Korean missiles are rubbish, apparently, and their bombs are so big that strapping one to a missile makes the entire thing so un-aerodynamic that anything launched towards us is unlikely to make it further than, say, Singapore. Which is a bit stuck-up and prissy (that chewing gum thing, really, I don't know, what's that about) and would probably benefit from the good social sluicing that follows having, let's call it, half the population of a city state killed in a nuclear inferno four times hotter than the heart of the sun. 

The funny thing about all the wailing and gnashing of teeth is that many of the very same people who last week were muttering into their lattes about good it would be if some little guy managed to talk back and take that uppitty George W Bush down a peg or two have suddenly got what they wished for! And are they happy – are they grateful? Good Lord no! Instead, they're spending their time downloading Google Earth pictures of some peninsular backwater that used to be a disused coal mine, pulling out their magnifying glasses and poring over satellite images and searching for the Wikipedia definition of ‘megaton'. Nuclear anxiety? Puhlease! Doesn't it all feel a bit "eighties", people? Get a life ... Sheesh! 

What the armchair experts don't realise is that nukes help make the community of nations safer, by ensuring that any nation who says or does anything at all to upset the international order can wake up to discover that one of their fine Western glass-and-concrete cities along with its decadent population of class traitors, whores and consumerists has been transformed into fine, radioactive ash. The theory is already in action. Don't know what I mean? Hello, people: it's in the US Constitution! Read as far as the Second Amendment and get back to me. What could be a more effective incentive towards injecting a bit of civility and – dare I say it – respect for the little guy into international relations? Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. (Besides, I expect that any residual danger that might accrue from having a homicidal maniac with his hand on the nuclear trigger in the Asia-Pacific region will be entirely preventable by the hard work of our tireless and wonderfully effective diplomats. Who, after all, have done such a great job of managing things to this point).  

But try telling all that to our tree-hugging PM, Johnny No-Nukes and his smelly leftie friends at the United Nations. Are they interested? No sir! They're far too busy worrying about ‘game theory this' and ‘deterrent that'. Boring! I mean, I'm no Kofi Annan but I know what I like, in terms of international relations, and what I like is this: bloody good TV. You know, like, the first Gulf War or 9/11 – stuff that made you gasp, stop what you're doing and sit back, order a pizza and enjoy the spectacle. That's the business. Without a steady stream of escalating crises, then I – and many of my fellow NewsJunkie viewers, I am sure – can easily become bored. So what those weeniecrats need to do is get off their tushes and start putting the diplomatic moves in place for some really dramatic stuff. Preferably in prime time (or maybe that bit of the day after you're home from work but before the good stuff starts, that once upon a time got filled with Dr Who). Heck, if the crisis is big enough, we'll get to watch the TV coverage right there at work. Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of hustle from the international comunity over this, when the stakes are this high?    

Here's my two cents on the nuclear stand-off: I predict an absolute bonanza in terms of terse, exciting TV coverage. Strong power chords and large-scale CGI moving logos over opening credits with newslines like "Peninsula of Peril" and "Stand-off in Seoul". Bring it on! I'm already stocking up on TV snacks and cans of Coke Zero 

What a fantastic result for the diplomatic efforts of our mighty allies, the US and Japan, our ‘kind-of-friends-so-please-buy-our-lovely-iron-ore'-mates in China, those gold-farming bastards in South Korea and the ever-so-slightly scary Russians. And let's not forget: what a total and utter personal victory for Alexander Downer, who made a specific and personal overture to the North Korean regime just two years ago! (I guess we know now why they haven't been returning your calls, Alex. Too bad. Maybe the East Timorese will pass on a message for you). 

No more jeers! No more being lampooned by puppets by those South Park guys! No more jokes about eating dogs! No more cracks about kim chi or the fact that most people's names are Kim! Now the little guy is gonna get some respect. 

They eat dog. They have nukes. They're here to stay. Get used to it.  

I for one welcome our new North Korean overlords with open arms, at least, to the extent that one can have open arms while lying prone on the couch watching CNN – with my remote in my hand, and a smile on my face.