 Compared to buses, trains are
a godsend. Sure, the trip takes longer and you're stuck with a carriage
of disease-carrying arseholes till you arrive at your stop, but nothing
beats crowded inner-city buses for sheer commuting awfulness. Here's
a selection of fellow passengers to watch out for.
Homeless people: They
may have a mental illness and be down on their luck, victims of an uncaring
society where not all are treated equally, but does that mean they have
to sit directly behind me, smelling of faeces, calling the police and
telling them, "I'm about to be assaulted" when there's no-one
else around but me? And where the hell are they going, anyway?
Seat hogs: It's always
the corporate dorks in their suits. They resent having to share their
seat with anyone, so they try to make it look like they need the whole
thing and pretend to be fully absorbed with their mp3 player and important
SMS work. If you sit next to one of these overly aftershaved pricks,
prepare to engage in a trip-long passive-aggressive war for territory,
where the seat hog will keep their legs open, shoulders back and arms
to the side. Also, he'll never get off the bus before you do.
Back-seat banditos:
These guys are either in high school, or still wish they were. You can
spot them a bus length away - having paid the fare they stride up
the aisle, heads full of memories of the time they fingered that Year
9 chick behind the canteen, and flop down in the centre of the back
seat. This makes it difficult for anyone to take one of the other four
spots back there, unless they're of a similar mindset to the first
guy. The end result's the same - a pack of morons manning the emergency
push-out window.
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Shoppers: Space is a
premium on the bus, and the jerks who get on at peak hour with arms
full of David Jones and Peter Alexander bags laden with the fanciest
in wardrobe technology don't help matters. Honestly, if you have the
means to spend thousands of dollars on frilly silk dresses, then you
can afford to catch a cunting cab. Don't flop down in the front seats
reserved for the elderly, taking up the space of four men with your
exciting purchases, then act like you can't see the pregnant woman
standing in the aisle.
Gallantry issues: This
may be your biggest foe on the bus, especially if you're a young man
with no visible handicaps. Personally, I take a deeply hypocritical
view, where if I'm standing I like to glare balefully at anyone who
doesn't give up their seat for a lady, but if I'm sitting down I
come over all opportunistically feminist and unaware of the world outside
my magazine and mp3 player.
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 Public transport is regrettably full of the public |
