Oh, how I love the wowsers of this world. The ones who belt around like there's a five alarm fire every minute of every day, insisting that we remove the sharp corners of the world in case someone happens along and, god forbid, hurts themselves.

I happened upon a website this morning called W.A.T.C.H - World Against Toys Causing Harm . Never before, in the history of global nannyism, has there been a more retarded site. Ever. I'm serious. These people are the ultimate Wrap-Everything-In-Cotton-Wool-As-Long-As-It's-Hypoallergenic tinfoil-hat wearing worriers.

So here, just in time to suck every available ounce of fun out of Christmas, is the complete set of warnings about how insidious and potentially lethal all toys are. These guys have had a peek inside Santa's workshop ("Proudly Accident Free since 1998!" but still full of non-union, scab labour elves) and they've clearly had a heart attack.

Words in bold are the warnings from W.A.T.C.H. The comments that follow are merely my attempt to understand what the hell these people are on about.

Even this toy, of course, won't actually kill you

Watch Out for Battery Operated toys for Children Under 8: Especially the ones that vibrate. They're nasty.

Watch Out for Toys with "Hair" or "Fur": Apparently, Tickle Me Elmo promotes inappropriate touching, and live animals pose much less risk of attack than your average teddy bear.

Watch Out for Toys with Small Removable Attachments: Translation - DO NOT send your child an email this Christmas.

Watch out for Projectile Toys: I'm looking at you, Tennis Ball.

Watch Out for Toys with Pointed Tips, And Blunt or Sharp Edges: ie, please be careful with any toy that has a discernible shape. Shapes are outrageously dangerous.

Watch Out for Toys with Strings Longer than Six Inches: "Johnny - we're taking your shoes and belt because we think you're a suicide risk"

Watch Out for Crib and Playpen Toys: The ceiling was fun enough for me, it'll be fun enough for you.

Watch Out for Toys Marketed with Other Product Lines: Any toy sold with a book is clearly subversive. Burn them all.

Watch Out for Toys made of Flammable Material: "L'il Junior's Barbecue Bricks" are now off Santa's list. As are the "Fully Poseable C4 Explosive Twins" dolls.

Watch Out for Realistic Looking Toy Weapons: Wielding a plastic axe will probably get your six-year-old shot in the head by over-vigilant police. Especially in Victoria.

Watch Out for Toys which Require Electricity: Electricity is Witchcraft and clearly the Work of the Devil. That means NO MORE TV. EVER.

The perfect choice for the overprotective, hyperparanoid parent

Watch Out for Long Handled Toys For Children Up To 4 Years Of Age: Dude. What on earth does this even mean? Johnny! PUT THAT TOILET BRUSH DOWN RIGHT NOW! Etc.

Watch out for Toys with Toxic Surfaces or Components: Especially if your child is a former KGB agent who has turned to Journalism and has a fondness for sushi.

So, having read through the list and made some approximate sense of the warnings, I have spent days scouring the known universe for a toy that doesn't need batteries or electricity, is bald, cannot be used as a projectile, has no readily identifiable shape or form (especially if the cops might think it's a real gun), is devoid of handles, strings or attachments, has small parts (both toxic and non-toxic), can burn, fit in or on a crib or playpen or is marketed in conjunction with any other product.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? dgaust    December 5th, 2006 - 11:54 PM Quote This water balloon "launcher" is marketed as being capable of "turbo launching" water balloons up to 100 feet, with "Direct-hit Accuracy!" A package insert includes warnings such as "be alert, water balloons may travel in unanticipated directions", and "NEVER" throw at "unsuspecting people" or "at people within 20 feet." Also, balloons themselves pose a recognized choking hazard in the hands of children. My god, now they even want to take balloons away from children. These people are idiots and should taken out the back and pelted with water balloons until they choke.

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? pseudonym    December 6th, 2006 - 12:32 AM Gregor You are a thoughtless and careless individual.  A seasponge is a dangerous time-bomb of a toy!  When wet, they pose a very real risk of drowning.  Plus, they are primarily made up of air.  Air is highly flammable.  But you won't be warned.  No.  It'll take the death of an innocent child before we see your sponges taken off the market for good. Child-killer. Nym

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? pseudonym    December 6th, 2006 - 12:46 AM How come the article quote in the first post by dgaust doesn't appear in the article?

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Mez    December 6th, 2006 - 12:49 AM That's a very good question, Nym.  You are sharp today!

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Fritz    December 6th, 2006 - 4:02 AM Good article Gregor. I have to agree, what ever happened to the days when kids ate dirt, it only built their immune system. Swimming in the river didn't include 4 hour course on identifying rocks and snags. A simple game of touch football didn't mean you had to drag your solicitor along to view the pages of waivers that they require you to sign. Not sure what Nate is going to do this Christmas - the banning of toys that vibrate and have batteries may leave him with a quizical look on his face while he sits on Santa's knee.

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    December 6th, 2006 - 6:18 AM Heh...like banning playing tag in American schools, cause kids running about might fall over... On ch9 news (my sister was watching it for the swimming results), they said that them guns which shoot out them lil orange palstic squishy things which suction caps are dangerous... Which is the point, who hasn't wanted to improve one of them projectiles with a pointy metal thing?

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? dgaust    December 6th, 2006 - 6:17 PM Quote from: pseudonym on December 06, 2006, 04:46:54 PM How come the article quote in the first post by dgaust doesn't appear in the article?  Sorry, I forgot to put that the quote is from the W.A.T.C.H website on the banning of a water ballon thrower.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? aimless    December 6th, 2006 - 7:16 PM On the topic of cotton wool-ing children...what is it with fences around pools? Here in Canberra you must fence off backyard pools to stop the hoards of children from leaping in and drowning themselves like lemmings. Of course, these same children can then walk to any number of lakes around the city and walk straight in! No fences, no deterrents. Helpfully there is the occasional ladder to help you climb out but I wonder...if you can't swim, how do you make it to the ladder? Hmmmmmmmm?

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? MentalByNature    December 7th, 2006 - 8:21 AM does this mean gregor only learnt one thing this week? he's either slacking off, or is getting smarter (has learnt too much) or is getting dumber (cant learn as much)

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? gregor    December 7th, 2006 - 4:30 PM Quote from: aimless on December 07, 2006, 11:16:47 AM On the topic of cotton wool-ing children...what is it with fences around pools? Here in Canberra you must fence off backyard pools to stop the hoards of children from leaping in and drowning themselves like lemmings. Of course, these same children can then walk to any number of lakes around the city and walk straight in! No fences, no deterrents. Helpfully there is the occasional ladder to help you climb out but I wonder...if you can't swim, how do you make it to the ladder? Hmmmmmmmm? Everyone knows that kids don't go in the lakes around Canberra because there's an evil monster that looks like a clown that eats children and drowns them and is generally very creepy... wait. that was a movie. ummm... it's because of the economy. and John Howard. it's his fault. blame him.

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? aimless    December 7th, 2006 - 9:05 PM Quote from: gregor on December 08, 2006, 08:30:11 AM Everyone knows that kids don't go in the lakes around Canberra because there's an evil monster that looks like a clown that eats children and drowns them and is generally very creepy... wait. that was a movie. ummm... it's because of the economy. and John Howard. it's his fault. blame him. It would be an interesting remake...'IT: Starring John Howard as the clown.' When he gets tired of performing live, perhaps.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Mr Pants    December 9th, 2006 - 9:38 PM Has anyone seen the EXTREME tickle me elmo toys? This is actually real. They put it in a 'titanium' metal case(actually aluminium). With a label that says 'WARNING - THIS TICKLE ME ELMO IS EXTREME!' Having not seen the toy used I can only assume it shoots napaum and brakes the noses of those couragous enough to tickle the thing. I can hear it now screaming "WHO'S THE LITTLE BASTARD THAT TICKLED ME"! Just before releasing a live grenade into a crowd of onlooking toddlers. Then choking a Toys R' Us salesperson whilst laughing manically. Do we honestly need a toy which is so edgy and sensitive that simply tickling it sends it into a laughing fit of rage? I say YES! We need to teach our children a lesson about personal boundaries. And tickling should simply not be tolerated under any circumstances in our society.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? kb    December 10th, 2006 - 11:58 AM Gregor you are a funny funny bloke.  That bit about not sending kids emails because of the removable attachments made me do that giggle very loudly in a 'quiet place' thing.  Good stuff.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? PutridVonSchtinken    December 22nd, 2006 - 9:02 PM I was going to suggest a sea cucumber, but then realised that if you stroke it like a furry cat, a thin stream of milk like liquid flies out one end.  This is not from personal experience, I read it in a book, honest.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? bluemukaki    February 5th, 2007 - 10:17 PM W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! The Pottery Barn Kids stacking toy, which contains multi-colored tiers, includes pyramid-shaped rigid, wooden parts, intended to be stacked upon a solid-wood dowel. A toddler who falls on the inflexible toy could suffer severe impact injuries. The manufacturer fails to provide any warnings despite marketing the toy for toddlers as young as "12 months".

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? TruckaNT    February 5th, 2007 - 10:26 PM Hey moobukkaki, go and do an intro thread.

[Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Yena    May 9th, 2007 - 11:52 PM I work in compliance / product safety, you wouldn't believe the excellent things that the government has banned! Do you want inflatable-raft-style shoes which effectively allow you to walk on water?  Not in Australia!

Re: [Article]Do they know it`s Christmas? Nick 2    May 10th, 2007 - 3:30 AM Quote from: Yena on May 10, 2007, 03:52:03 PM Do you want inflatable-raft-style shoes which effectively allow you to walk on water?  Not in Australia! YES what are these products called, i can find them on the net