“January – don’t be mad, don’t be angry to me.” So sang Pilot, and with good cause. No matter what time of year it is, you can always count on another Janus-faced month looming darkly in the future, waiting to make a mockery of all the hopes, dreams and achievements you entertained the year before. It’s a vile, garnet and carnation-loving 31-day period that delivers none of the exquisite delights promised by festive December. Here are some pitfalls to look out for in January – the worst month of the year.

Broken resolutions: All it takes is one tipple, cigarette or chocolate mudcake and you find yourself in the hell paved by the road of your good intentions. Those few minutes after midnight on the cusp of New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are a wellspring of hope and commitment to a new way of life – and by the time mid-January rolls round, it has all been decimated. The best thing to do is resolve something petty and achievable, like “I will not drink Melbourne Bitter unless there’s no other booze in the house.” 

End of the holidays: Speaking of fresh starts, you’ll find yourself back at work after a well-deserved holiday. Rested and calm, you’ll approach the challenges of your career with a keen eye and a ‘can do’ attitude – for around half of the first day back. It only takes four hours for the suffocating veil of routine to settle onto your consciousness – flourescent office lights blot out the holiday goodwill even faster than they fade a summer tan.

Australia Day: Barbecues, beer and backyard cricket. It sounds like good fun, but no-one mentions blowflies, sunburn and the pretence at patriotism, do they? Worst of all, there’s the crushing disappointment of listening to Triple J’s Hottest 100 and realising you hate almost every song venerated by pseudo-rebellious teenagers the year before. This is a train of thought that can, sadly, only lead to 2Day FM, classic hits or John Laws. 

Christmas debt: Yule seems like an age ago when the bills start rolling in. All that savings-dwindling and charging it you did in a Tasmanian Devilish whir of celebratory goodwill to all men and other family members looks pretty stupid in the cold, hard light of January. Especially since the assortment of Chaser annuals and Hottest 100 CDs you received will never justify the amount you spent on glossy hardcover cookbooks, electrical appliances, and house and land packages for your friends and family.

Writing the wrong date on things: This also serves to remind you that a year you thought was in the recent past was actually a decade ago. If you’re an adult, you’ll recall how cranky with yourself you’d get for writing the wrong year in your schoolbooks…and this will cause you to ruminate on how long ago that actually was. Plus, it’s a pain if you’re trying to post-date cheques.