My apologies to readers who a) don't live in New South Wales or b) do live in NSW but, like most of us, don't give a fuck about the State Government. But it's hard to ignore the fact that there's an election at the end of the week. And were I to ignore it, I'd be derelict in my duties of rampantly poking fun at the hapless collection of goo-stains that inhabit the hallowed halls of parliament in Australia's Premier State^TM. So... here goes.

Iemma and Debnam aren't the only ones with long faces

Of course, Morris Iemma and Peter Debnam have been out kissing hands and shaking babies in shopping malls all over the state. It stands to reason - in between taking miniscule sips of recycled piss to ‘prove it's safe and doesn't at all contain viruses like Hepatitis oh no... ho ho ho... (are you sure?)' and banging on about solving the water crisis, the lack of policy statements from both sides speaks volumes. Oh, they're all promising to spend massive sums of money on fixing shit up, but let's be honest here - no amount of money will fix the state's schools, hospitals will always be overrun by hypochondriacs.

But the ads we've seen so far have been very, very odd. On one side, we have Morris Iemma attacking Debnam's lack of experience, and the suggestion that Sailor Pete has all the business acumen of a squeegee-toting derelict at the lights – on a rainy day. According to Labor, Debnam was a director of a prawn farm that went broke. (When I first heard the ad, I was in the other room with a tap running, and heard the statement as ‘Porn Farm'. Much hilarity ensued. The end.)

On the other side, we've heard very little about Iemma, with the Opposition choosing the interesting tactic of playing the balls, and not the man. To wit: picking on three of the government's serial under-performers (who, coincidentally, are all from an Italian background. RACISM! RACISM! Etc) rather than targeting the Premier. A bold tactic? No... not really. Although I won't be sad when Tripodi's last day in office rolls round. Between allegedly sexually assaulting people in his office and allegedly stitching up land deals for his cronies, his ‘career' in politics hasn't exactly been a beacon for Young People Of Today to follow. Unless they want to be rapists and slumlords.

But at the end of the day, the explanation as to why the spending on this election from both sides of the policy plunge has been so small is simple: Labor's gonna shit it in. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here and say that Morris Iemma could, very easily, migrate to New Zealand and still win it. With an increased majority. In fact... Morris Iemma could turn up in the middle of Macquarie St, dressed in a bear suit and armed with a high-powered rifle (as is his constitutional right in the United States: the Fourth amendment clearly states that US Citizens have the right to Keep and Arm Bears. I think) AND STILL he would poll better than Debnam.

Iemma could die tomorrow and still win.

Never mind that he's as suspect as a four-cent-piece. And never mind the fact that he looks like he's had a stroke. And never mind that he was a Minister in an increasingly shoddy government that took the genius of Bob Carr (hur hur hur) to realise when it was time to abandon ship.

The man's got WINNER written all over him at the moment. But it's only because of the shithouse Opposition that he's got any chance at all.

I mean, really... Debnam's last public statement for the weekend saw him standing behind a bare lectern, thumping the tub about something or other (I tuned out. My boredom threshold is getting lower and lower every day, and the more he talks, the less I remember). He was flanked by Fatty O'Barrel, who really should never have shaved his beard - the deforestation of his jowls mean that he's lost any hope of ever recapturing the under-fives, who used to support him him en masse because of his incredible resemblance to Humphrey B Bear. But no... he's shaved (and started wearing pants) and thus lost all credibility.

Weirdly, Labor's gone for sweeping changes to its line-up before the election, drafting in a bunch of well-known identities to help boost its electoral chances. It's like a hideous reality show - "I'm a Celebrity, Vote Me In There". Make the bad man stop. Etc etc.

Meh. It's all pretty pointless - the NSW state election (indeed, any state election) is only marginally more interesting than local government elections (yet, strangely, I care more about making sure my garbage is collected than seeing any of the rubbish the state looks after. Hospitals? Yeah - they're always gonna be there. I may have to wait two hours to get my fingers stitched back on, but I know it'll happen... god bless our health system.

The real show is on at the end of the year - the Grand Final (or Grand Mal - I'm not sure which of these titles to give it) of elections will be on us. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll give a shit about that one.

So I guess this coming weekend for the residents of New South Wales is little more than voting practice. We all know who's going to win, we know why they're going to win and we know when they're going to win. In fact, the only thing that separates the populace of NSW from the hierarchy controlling Zimbabwe is that we don't know by how much the ALP will win. Doesn't that make you feel glad you live in a democracy?

Next Week: Morris Iemma's Tips on Shedding Unwanted Kilos from Your "Front Bench"

[Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview pseudonym    March 21st, 2007 - 12:42 AM Funny stuff, Gregor. You seem to have a thing for bears... is there something you're not sharing? Nym

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Biscuit    March 21st, 2007 - 12:55 AM I ran into Gladys BejikeraWhatEverHerNameis the other day, and she looked kind of sad. It's tough being a Liberal pollie is NSW today. I think I might vote for her seeing as apparently it will make little difference which way I vote, and getting at least one vote might cheer her up a bit. I must say, Iemmas election campaign seems to be a concerted effort to make himself unpopular. Sounding very BLF/threatening in his campaign. Will sinking a couple of Guinesses early on Saturday morning help ease the pain?

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    March 21st, 2007 - 3:24 AM Meh...I'm going to have a Yak moment here...my sister's boyfriend isn't registered to vote, couldn't care less, and when asked, went on about the cricket. Though the thing that got me, is that both of them working together managed to work out the ALP was led by "that new guy and that chick". Though I shouldn't complain...at Uni, I saw a Greens supporter talking to two girls that would have had Pizza banned for racism if they were characters on it...had all the intelligence of a blonde sack of potatoes.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview squiggleyak    March 21st, 2007 - 6:39 AM Quote from: The White Witch on March 21, 2007, 07:24:25 PM Meh...I'm going to have a Yak moment here...my sister's boyfriend isn't registered to vote, couldn't care less, and when asked, went on about the cricket. ahhah geez. how's that constitute a 'yak moment'?  though...i reckon half the people voting this weekend won't know if it's for the state or federal election. it would be interesting to do a quick survey outside polling booths to see how many people know if it's a state or federal election, and who they'll be voting for (i bet most say "debnam" or "iemma" rather than their local candidates). debnam reminds me a bit of john hewson. i think it's the whole 'cabbage personality' thing. similar to simon crean as well i think. the thing is, iemma is a bit of a cabbage too. maybe he's sauerkraut or something slightly more interesting though, because people seem to keep buying his bullshit.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    March 21st, 2007 - 7:22 AM Quote from: yakaroni on March 21, 2007, 10:39:53 PM ahhah geez. how's that constitute a 'yak moment'?  With your relatives you find it hard to believe are related to you, cause they do stupid things?

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Fritz    March 21st, 2007 - 7:50 AM Porn farm    Now I know why he gets around in speedos All I will be thankful for is going back to painful mentos and kinder surprise ads instead of the election shit they are throwing on now........every.....fucking....ad break.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview squiggleyak    March 21st, 2007 - 7:51 AM have there been any headlines involving "go the raw prawn" ?

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Fritz    March 21st, 2007 - 7:53 AM I think that may be too clever for the monkeys that do the headlines.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Fritz    March 21st, 2007 - 8:03 AM Righto, time to make the election a little interesting. I will need the help of someone with photshop. Enter squiggles or bickie. What needs to be done is to enhance the swimmers shop and give Debnam a new image. There, we take on saviour of the world "Hasselhoff" (hey, he did stand on the berlin wall and sang in a jacket supplied by country energy when they were knocking it down) and put the face of debnam on the body. Ok go to work.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Biscuit    March 21st, 2007 - 9:57 AM Photoshop ws being a pain tonight

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Fritz    March 21st, 2007 - 5:09 PM Love your work bickie.

[Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview reekybits    March 22nd, 2007 - 9:37 AM In the Liberal Party ad campaign it says in the beginning to not vote for the ALP it says 'this Sunday' twice and then at the end it says 'this Saturday'. That clearly means Debnam is a rapist.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview thammydigital    March 22nd, 2007 - 9:59 AM Quote from: Fritz on March 21, 2007, 11:50:24 PM Porn farm    All I will be thankful for is going back to painful mentos and kinder surprise ads instead of the election shit they are throwing on now........every.....fucking....ad break.  now thats an idea.... debnam should put his advertising in the format of kinder suprise and mentos ads, and aim it at four year old children. instill the conservative liberal values early on . because, lets face it, by the time the four year olds hit 18 and can vote he might have been seen in speedos just enough times that with their help he MIGHT just be able to make a serious challenge to the nsw leadership. cant liberal just find some uptight money making conservative celebrity to be the forefront of their campaign?(they could just run for premier).... with all the stupid people running around these days any celebrity is likely to win.... cant be worse than debnam in any case.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview gregor    March 26th, 2007 - 7:40 PM ha! told ya so! I'm am so smart. By the way - did anyone catch the election coverage on the ABC? Fatty O'Barrell's carefully blank expression when Kerry asked him if there was going to be a leadership challenge on Debnam was priceless - and a dead giveaway... awesome. ... but I still wish NSW politics was more interesting than this. it's like shooting fish in an aquarium (without all the hassles from security guards and that sort of thing...)

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Fritz    March 26th, 2007 - 10:12 PM Although it was boring as bat shit - I still felt myself drawn to it. Must have been Antony Green's enthusiasm that kept me focused on the broadcast. Wow gregor - I should take you to the race track, you can pick them from a mile away.

Re: [Article]Gregor`s NSW election preview Biscuit    March 27th, 2007 - 4:07 AM Quote from: Fritz on March 27, 2007, 02:12:41 PM Wow gregor - I should take you to the race track, you can pick them from a mile away. Yeh, just like rain-man