Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kate, and she met the man of pretty much every girl's dreams. He was blond, tall, a bit handsome, rich, splendidly posh and he could have made her a Queen, had they managed to get married and live happily ever after.

But they didn't, did they, Kate? So what are you going to do now?

Now, I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking that the most important thing is to be dignified, stay out of the papers and generally keep a stiff upper lip.

I appreciate that's what you're intending to do, and I respect that. Really, it's admirable. I would never try and suggest that you do anything but remain utterly discreet, ignore the clamouring mass of the press vultures and, no matter what anyone says, make sure that the gory details of your relationship with the future King of England remainsa tightly-held secret. That shows real integrity, and goodness knows there's precious little of that to go round, these days.

That's absolutely the right thing to do. I mean, if I were your publicist, God forbid, I wouldn't hear of you doing anything else. Abo-positive-lutely not. No, ma'am. (Actually, they won't call you ma'am anymore, will they? Oh, sorry, that's a touch insensitive, isn't it? Bit of a raw nerve there? Have a tissue, love. More champagne?)

But ... that doesn't preclude just working through a few ideas, you know, hypothetically, does it? I mean to say - have you fully considered all of your options, professionally speaking? Because from where I'm sitting, it looks to me like stony silence in the face of the on-coming media circus is not only less than optimal, commercially-speaking, but also a bit unfair. Even a bit selfish.

Why would I say unfair? Well, it just seems to me that Wills would want you to at least have a chance to explain your side of things to the world, wouldn't he? After all, what sort of unchivalrous cad would ask a girl to put up with all this and never strike back? I mean, it isn't as he's there to face the press with you any more now, is it? (Oh God, there I go again, me and my big mouth, dry those eyes, love, I'm sorry - top up your glass?)

The good news is this: my name is Harry, and it is my job to know exactly how to help people like you, who find themselves in a tricky spot over a bit of media coverage.

Clearly, any kind of exploitation of your newly vulnerable state is off-limits - I am bound by strict publicist's ethics, after all - so this advice is coming to you absolutely gratis. But I couldn't help but notice that Prince William's picture was in the papers today. And he was smiling. And it was taken yesterday. So someone looks like they're moving on, wouldn't you say?

So here's what you do. Don't worry about him. He'll be fine. He's got the weight of the monarchy to sustain him in the difficult days ahead. Army, shmarmy - the biggest risk to William's health is that he gets hit by an avalanche of frenzied gold-digging blue-bloods the next time he steps foot inside a London nightclub. Although to be fair, it is a real risk.

(Now, I appreciate that this may seem like an odd question, but do you happen to have, say, a few souvenirs left from your Royal encounters? Say, a semen-spattered dress, or perhaps, a few saucy pictures taken on your mobile phone? You never know when these things might come in handy.).

Where was I? Oh yes: doing the right thing. Very important. But what is it? My professional opinion is this: there is only one truly noble and selfless act left for you to undertake. Sell the lot. You must get your story out there.

After all, it was Buckingham Palace themselves that made the original announcement, wasn't it? Think about it for a moment. All you'd do is help them out, by filling some gaps left in the story. It's what the Royal Family would want you to do, I think. Certainly it's what Diana would want you to do. She's was the People's Princess: wouldn't she want her people to hear about her boy? I'm sure she would. And have you considered how proud she would be if you sang his praises on Celebrity Love Island?

Now you might think that some details are too intimate to be laid out raw in the media for everyone to dissect. I hear you. But neither of us are really in a position to judge that, are we? So the only fair, truly fair, way to deal with that question is to expose it all, and then let people decide for themselves what is important and what is not. In, ahem, the marketplace of ideas.

You don't have to reveal everything, of course. Not at all. If I were to book you a photoshoot with, let's say, FHM – in the best possible taste, of course – you would be more than welcome to leave your bikini on. At least, in most of the shots.

But Kate, it's not just about you, and your grief. This is no time to think of yourself. The people must know. They have a right to know. They must know about their future King. Where you went, what you did and how many times you did it. His thoughts, his foibles, his drunken bouts of inconsiderate love-making, his likely actions in a constitutional crisis, his pet names for his penis. (Little Willy, perhaps?) Every detail counts. It is a matter of the public interest, you understand.

[Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller ENEMYofTHEstate    April 16th, 2007 - 5:29 AM Um, maybe someting humerous would have made this a bit more entertaining and even Chaser-like. But then what do I know? Please continue.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Bruce Campbell    April 16th, 2007 - 5:49 AM

[Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller pseudonym    April 16th, 2007 - 5:53 AM Nice work!    And, unfortunately, probably reasonably indicative of a fair bit of the "moral support" she's been receiving of late. Enemy, don't worry your pretty little head about it, dear.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller emmachiz    April 16th, 2007 - 8:40 AM ha ha ha ha very very good

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller born2spawn    April 16th, 2007 - 9:55 PM What a jolly hoot, made me pee on me royal coronation gown.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller gregor    April 18th, 2007 - 12:25 AM Quote from: ENEMYofTHEstate on April 16, 2007, 09:29:40 PM Um, maybe someting humerous would have made this a bit more entertaining and even Chaser-like. But then what do I know? Please continue. The Chaser isn't all zany TV stunts involving prominent politicians. sometimes... just sometimes... there's satire involved. also: 12 Year Old Kids Should Not Be Allowed to Use the Internet Unsupervised.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Keridwen    April 18th, 2007 - 1:33 AM Quote from: gregor on April 18, 2007, 04:25:29 PM The Chaser isn't all zany TV stunts involving prominent politicians. sometimes... just sometimes... there's satire involved. also: 12 Year Old Kids Should Not Be Allowed to Use the Internet Unsupervised. Haha - snap!

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Bruce Campbell    April 18th, 2007 - 3:27 AM Quote from: gregor on April 18, 2007, 04:25:29 PM The Chaser isn't all zany TV stunts involving prominent politicians. sometimes... just sometimes... there's satire involved. You mean "zany TV stunts involving random people/lowly employess of whatever compnay they are after"? Though, to be fair...all of today's problems are caused by people who work behind the desk at the foyer's of big businesses.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Pinball Neil    April 18th, 2007 - 3:29 AM Quote from: The White Witch on April 18, 2007, 07:27:11 PM Though, to be fair...all of today's problems are caused by people who work behind the desk at the foyer's of big businesses. That's why they go to the houses of the CEOs dude.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Biscuit    April 18th, 2007 - 3:30 AM Quote from: The White Witch on April 18, 2007, 07:27:11 PM You mean "zany TV stunts involving random people/lowly employess of whatever compnay they are after"? Though, to be fair...all of today's problems are caused by people who work behind the desk at the foyer's of big businesses. Exactly. That's we we needed AWAs...to sort the buggers out!

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller pseudonym    April 18th, 2007 - 4:10 AM Gregor... why did you get rid of the aliens?  I liked them.  At least they were better than your family portrait.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Bruce Campbell    April 18th, 2007 - 3:42 AM Quote from: Cuzzy on April 18, 2007, 07:29:56 PM That's why they go to the houses of the CEOs dude. How often have they done that recently? They go to KFC, that donut place, on trains, outside churches etc...don't seem to be going after CEOs and politcians much recentyl.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Pinball Neil    April 18th, 2007 - 3:44 AM Don't get me wrong I am with you on the differences this season...

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller gregor    April 18th, 2007 - 8:01 PM Quote from: pseudonym on April 18, 2007, 08:10:55 PM Gregor... why did you get rid of the aliens?  I liked them.  At least they were better than your family portrait. my mother is sobbing quietly into her cooling cup of tea this morning... I got rid of the aliens because a picture of me WITH A REAL LIFE MONKEY is far better than some stupid little aliens jumping on each other. I'm far too mature for that sort of thing now.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Biscuit    April 18th, 2007 - 8:03 PM Quote from: gregor on April 19, 2007, 12:01:31 PM my mother is sobbing quietly into her cooling cup of tea this morning... I got rid of the aliens because a picture of me WITH A REAL LIFE MONKEY is far better than some stupid little aliens jumping on each other. I'm far too mature for that sort of thing now. Agreed. Family photos are always better

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller blue    April 18th, 2007 - 11:27 PM Awesome stuff

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller hammerondaridiculous    April 20th, 2007 - 5:49 AM I've never quite understood why girls loose their head over royalty. Particularly after Henry VIII

[Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller Vince Ficarra    May 10th, 2007 - 9:46 AM You have to feel sorry for these people... they live in a cocoon, and are both reveered and scorned for every move. Not a great was to live.

Re: [Article]An open letter to Kate Middleton from Harry M. Miller ENEMYofTHEstate    May 12th, 2007 - 3:38 AM Quote from: gregor on April 18, 2007, 04:25:29 PM The Chaser isn't all zany TV stunts involving prominent politicians. sometimes... just sometimes... there's satire involved. Satire usually involves irony or at least subtlety. This had neither. I do emphasis with the royals but Britain needs a republic instead of keeping the most well paid public servants in the world up with money.