Easter is a traditional time in the Stronach house. Easters past have usually involved the collection and consumption of large quantities of this and that, invariably turning the holiday into an ordeal the likes of which hasn't been seen in, oh... let's say, 2000 years or so.

(I've read the Bible, and it would appear that even Jesus had a snooze while he was up on the cross - whereas my Easters were done on no sleep at all. So Jesus... soft. Totally soft.)

Anyway. This Easter, we broke with tradition, packing our meagre belongings into a rucksack and heading bush with a couple of mates to go... wait for it... camping. Yep - city-slicker, news-junkie Gregor went north to commune with nature. And boy did I learn a few things.

Gregor's First Law of Camping: No matter how much gear you pack, it's always too much before you leave, and never enough once you're there.

The conversations with The Lovely Renee^TM went something like this.

"Will we need this?" (I say, holding up a baking tray / football / shopping basket / television).

"Yep!" she would say, and it would get shoehorned into the bag. Along with five books, a poker set (180 chips, three decks of cards), a miniature boules set, a fondue kit (presumably in the event that we were attacked by Swedish backpackers, we could calm and then subdue them by preparing their traditional food - valium tablets dipped in warm cheese), enough food for six people for eight days (strange, given that only four of us were going, for two nights), a moderate amount of cooking gear (including one of Renee's best cooking pots), a small butane burner, a two-person tent, etc etc etc.

And so on and so forth - until the entire apartment has been packed into canvas bags and piled by the front door.

"Okay... do you have clothes / sleeping bag / insect repellent?" she asks me.

"No."

So everything is unpacked, clothes added to the soup, and the repacking begins in earnest. We needed to hurry - we had planned an early start to ‘beat the holiday traffic', which meant getting up at 4am. It's 3:30am by the time we're packed. Golden. Half hour's kip atop the teetering mountain of gear, and there's a knock at the door.

Our lift has arrived, and with sheepish grins, they inform us that there's ‘not a lot of room in the car...' Lugging the first armload of gear downstairs, we find that they weren't kidding - there is precisely one cubic foot of space in the car that isn't already occupied by an obscene amount of gear.

Time for a rethink. After several minutes of thinking, the decision is reached to simply stuff everything into the car, including people, and take off. End result: four people crammed into enough space for two and a half people - and I'm faced with the prospect of a three hour drive with a large tent in my lap.

Seeking comfort on the long drive, I began to wriggle around in my seat. Lacking the requisite number of pre-trip sleeping hours, I slipped into a doze. By the time we arrived at the "Driver Reviver" caravan near Newcastle, I was semi-conscious, and in the shape of a swastika. Three Hasidic men in a van next to us spat at me when I fell out of the car, unable to move my limbs properly. Pricks. Need refreshment and "Driver Reviving".

The coffee was lukewarm, pissweak, but free - so I had four cups. The next hour of the trip was spent sandwiched in between a slumbering Renee and four fold-up chairs, desperate to pee as we raced through the countryside. The campsites where we'd chosen to stay were divvied up on a first-come, first-served basis. At this rate, we'd be camping on the highway unless we hurried.

One bladder-busting hour later, we pulled up at the office, and the guy who runs the campsite lumbered out of his house, looked us up and down and suggested we try to find a site ‘on the other side of the river' - a concept I immediately thought quaint, until it became apparent that all the stuff we might need - showers, toilets, firewood, a road home, etc etc - would be remaining on this side of the river. Need something? Wade through the river to get it. Gotta crap? Either shit in the bush, or wade over the river. Wanna get covered in leeches and get your last dry pair of pants wet from the knees down? Wade The River, Fool!

Joy.

It wasn't until we'd unpacked the campsite that it started to rain. Not heavily, of course, but just enough to make everything about an inch the wrong side of moist, verging on damp. And I discover that the two-man tent we've borrowed for the weekend was designed for two men approximately the size and shape of cigarettes. And that I left my sleeping bag at home. And that we don't have anything to actually cook on, other than a single (very expensive) saucepan.

However, we do have booze. Everything will be okay...

[Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 pseudonym    April 19th, 2007 - 7:20 PM Good work!  That sounds so much like my own 'Easter Camping Experience', you poor thing.  (Except we didn't have leeches.  Ew.  But we did have sand.  Sooooo much sand.  I discovered that, while perhaps an invaluable woodworking tool, sandpaper is not your friend in a sleeping bag.) Nice to see another column from you! Nym PS - you still owe me a beer.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Biscuit    April 19th, 2007 - 10:17 PM   Quote By the time we arrived at the "Driver Reviver" caravan near Newcastle, I was semi-conscious, and in the shape of a swastika. I somehow understand that bit

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 20th, 2007 - 2:23 AM Heh. nym's still trying to crack onto Gregor, it seems  Not a bad spiel so far. I'm looking forward to reading the descriptions of the communal toilet/shower block (did you wear rubber thongs or did you play tinea roulette?). I can't believe you forgot your sleeping bag. As for tent size...my pares invested in a huge mother of a tent for our family holidays up the coast...it really was a Griswald-style tent. And even *that* was too close for comfort. Can't imagine those pokey triangular two man ones.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 pseudonym    April 20th, 2007 - 2:54 AM Quote from: yakaroni on April 20, 2007, 06:23:46 PM my pares invested in a huge mother of a tent for our family holidays up the coast...it really was a Griswald-style tent. And even *that* was too close for comfort. Yeah - my parents used to buy me "camping clothes" as well.  Sucks when they buy them too small, huh?

[Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 gregor    April 20th, 2007 - 3:12 AM Return to article Quote Easter is a traditional time in the Stronach house. Easters past have usually involved the collection and consumption of large quantities of this and that, invariably turning the holiday into an ordeal the likes of which hasn't been seen in, oh... let's say, 2000 years or so. (I've read the Bible, and it would appear that even Jesus had a snooze while he was up on the cross - whereas my Easters were done on no sleep at all. So Jesus... soft. Totally soft.) . . .

[Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 gregor    April 20th, 2007 - 3:13 AM Return to article Quote Easter is a traditional time in the Stronach house. Easters past have usually involved the collection and consumption of large quantities of this and that, invariably turning the holiday into an ordeal the likes of which hasn't been seen in, oh... let's say, 2000 years or so. (I've read the Bible, and it would appear that even Jesus had a snooze while he was up on the cross - whereas my Easters were done on no sleep at all. So Jesus... soft. Totally soft.) . . .

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 gregor    April 20th, 2007 - 3:14 AM well... it's been here all day and no one's commented. so... fuck you all. I thought it was brilliant* *okay** ** shit.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Pinball Neil    April 20th, 2007 - 3:16 AM That was my last unread post... nice article gregor... I was down by the Murray at Easter... man you get some ferals camping out there.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Pinball Neil    April 20th, 2007 - 3:19 AM Quote from: gregor on April 20, 2007, 07:14:17 PM well... it's been here all day and no one's commented. so... fuck you all. I thought it was brilliant* *okay** ** shit. Hehe - there's a bunch of comments over there - http://www.chaser.com.au/smf/public-boards/article-comments/article-gregor-goes-bush-150-part-1/0.html?Itemid,99999999 and also there is one... http://www.chaser.com.au/smf/public-boards/article-comments/article-gregor-goes-bush-part-1/0-8.html?Itemid,99999999 I think it's not linked proper like.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 20th, 2007 - 5:12 AM aww author insecurity. how cute

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    April 20th, 2007 - 10:19 AM Quote from: yakaroni on April 20, 2007, 09:12:02 PM aww author insecurity. how cute  Yeah, and he even went and changed his avatar recently to get people's attention, too.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 20th, 2007 - 10:36 AM Quote from: The White Witch on April 21, 2007, 02:19:45 AM Yeah, and he even went and changed his avatar recently to get people's attention, too. wow. he is SO this guy : http://youtube.com/watch?v=aFbEBVuVHZc

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 gregor    April 22nd, 2007 - 8:01 PM yeah - I get a bit insecure from time to time. so what? I'm allowed, you know. it's not easy being brilliant all the time. which is why I can't do it. you've made me cry. I hope you're happy.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 23rd, 2007 - 5:26 AM good. my work here is done. by the way... what are you doing to that monkey?

[Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 unomomento    April 23rd, 2007 - 9:16 PM Nice article ole Gregor! Dont cry, it will be OK. Waiting for part 2...

[Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 hammerondaridiculous    April 24th, 2007 - 5:54 AM Now do you understand why I want a winnebago? Fuck the 'pack the house, getting there, and unpack the house' game! Just DRIVE THE BLOODY HOUSE THERE! Noice arrrrticle! But I'm surprised you were able to find a river with water in it

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Mez    April 24th, 2007 - 8:56 AM I think I've been to that camp site, Gregor.  My kids called it "Leech Land".

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Fritz    April 26th, 2007 - 11:42 PM Well you have not lost your touch gregor. Great work.  I have always packed something like this. It is probably the best way to go: Beer Wine Bouchie Set Sleeping bag Pillow Someone else's tent Someone else's bacon & eggs. Someone else's reppelant Someone else's Butane Burner Someone else's steaks & Salads. Someone else's ice & esky Someone else's chair. Someone els's etc etc

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 27th, 2007 - 2:19 AM "bouchie" set

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 dorme    April 27th, 2007 - 3:17 AM Quote from: pseudonym on April 20, 2007, 06:54:40 PM Yeah - my parents used to buy me "camping clothes" as well.  Sucks when they buy them too small, huh?

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Fritz    April 27th, 2007 - 11:43 AM Quote from: yakaroni on April 27, 2007, 06:19:09 PM "bouchie" set    You laugh. You will play one day.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 27th, 2007 - 6:22 PM Quote from: Fritz on April 28, 2007, 03:43:35 AM You laugh. You will play one day. I was laughing more at the spelling/sound  "Bouchie" (I'd pronounce that "bow-chee") kinda reminded me of porno music...(bow-chicka-bow-bow). And the mind boggled at what a "Bouchie set" could consist of  I assume you meant "bocce", yeah? Are the bocce balls as hard to control as lawn bowls balls?

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Fritz    April 27th, 2007 - 11:31 PM   It all comes back to porn with you squiggles  Yes, I did mean bocce. They are a little different as you are throwing them up in the air as opposed to rolling them on a flat surface. Also, when playing bocce, it usually means that you are half-cut, so the game becomes more difficult.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 28th, 2007 - 2:08 AM Quote from: Fritz on April 28, 2007, 03:31:01 PM They are a little different as you are throwing them up in the air as opposed to rolling them on a flat surface. Also, when playing bocce, it usually means that you are half-cut, so the game becomes more difficult. Well that's how I normally play lawn bowls as well...and pool...and well...most 'sporting' endeavours. Funnily enough, I've found that grog helps me at pool, but screws me in lawnbowls. Weird.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Fritz    April 28th, 2007 - 5:14 AM Quote from: yakaroni on April 28, 2007, 06:08:14 PM Well that's how I normally play lawn bowls as well...and pool...and well...most 'sporting' endeavours. Funnily enough, I've found that grog helps me at pool, but screws me in lawnbowls. Weird. Might have something to do with the fact that pool is with smaller balls and a stick. Alot of women have trouble playing with these things.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 squiggleyak    April 28th, 2007 - 5:42 AM Funnily enough, I've found that grog helps me at pool, but screws me with smaller balls and a stick  Though, admittedly, it's pretty much a vital ingredient to help me to score them in the first place...

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Mr Pants    April 28th, 2007 - 7:22 AM I hope you die in the second part of this article.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Alarm Duck of Awesomeness    April 29th, 2007 - 4:54 AM Maybe he has...and is thus unable to write about it.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 gregor    April 29th, 2007 - 6:41 PM Quote from: Andy Pants on April 28, 2007, 11:22:35 PM I hope you die in the second part of this article. sadly for you, no I don't. but I hope you die in your sleep tonight.

Re: [Article]Gregor goes bush – part 1 Mr Pants    April 29th, 2007 - 9:09 PM Quote from: gregor on April 30, 2007, 10:41:31 AM sadly for you, no I don't. but I hope you die in your sleep tonight. HA! Too bad for you I'm an insomniac and can't get any sleep!